Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on April 22, 2007

And by this, I mean a whole lot of craptastic things going on that I am going to blog about. Because, really? So nothing else going on. Me = no job, remember?

It was finally spring here in Chicago this weekend. FINALLY. I mean, I’m all for delaying the 95-degree temperatures with the clothes-soaking humidity and the I-didn’t-even-realize-I-could-sweat-there sweat. But snow in April? Seriously. Fuck you Al Gore! Global warming my ass. You just wanted an Oscar for your little picture.

I am the epitome of laziness. (News flash!) I mean, when you get a person tooting her own horn about running five God damned minutes on the treadmill, it’s not much of a shock that I like to be inactive. Luuurrvvve it actually. (Which was solidified last night when we were playing that DVD game Scene It, the TV edition. And I knew a lot of answers. A LOT.) (And have had the Charles in Charge theme song in my head ever since.) (Yes, there’s a theme song.)

So when the weather gets nice normal people get excited. Walks outside! Fresh air! Outdoor activities! Exercise! Me? Windows open! Ass on couch! Full House marathon on TV! ABC Family Made for TV movies! Prince & Me 2! (Julia Stiles is apparently too good for the sequel. With good reason. And I’d like that 2 hours of my life back.)

Well, actually, I was a little productive today. Windows open! And I cleaned the house a little. Which was more of straightening up. And putting things away that have been sitting out since December. No, really. They were things from my cube from the mulch job. Better than nothing, right?

(Charles in charge of our days and our nights. Charles in charge of our wrongs and our riiiiiiiights.)

And then I walked down a few blocks. To get a mani pedi. Again with the sitting! And the not moving! And who fucking goes to get their nails done when they are UNEMPLOYED? I do. So callate su grande yapper. And they? Had the door open! Fresh air! (Did I mention the walk? Cause, hello? Activity!) (And the sitting!)

And then I went to dinner and sat outside. With 80 mile an hour winds and I’m still picking out the gravel that is embedded in my skin. And under my contacts. Scraping my cornea. It’s like free Lasik surgery. I see better already. Yep. I see the dust on the table a whole lot clearer. Let me cover that up with a magazine. Or the cat.

But you know what I love about spring? And random 80-degree days in April? You get to drag out all those summer clothes and realize just how much “winter” weight you put on. Of which I put a lot on. I’m here to tell you that I’m part bear. I was preparing my ass for hibernation, bitches.

I can be like that dude on the National Geographic channel that lived with bears. Or wolves. Whatever. Some sort of raging beast of an animal. That no single person in their right mind (or even a kind of wrong mind) would ever want to cohabitate with. And let’s face it. I like my meat cooked for Christ’s sake.

So thankfullyfor us crash dieters that need to lose the blubber and the badonkadonk butt because it’s getting warm and fo reals, yo, we don’t need to be that insulated in July. It’s going to be back down in the 50s on Wednesday. Whew.

I want. I want. I want Charles in charge of me!

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me, General | 5 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on April 20, 2007

Hey you! Yeah you there. Sitting at your computer reading me when you should be working. Hey! Pay attention or I’ll make a scary monster randomly flash on the screen and make you wet your pants just a little.

Want to know a secret? I kinda enjoyed my little “vacation” from the blog. Because then I didn’t have those days where I just had nothing to say. But still felt like I should blog. Days where all I had to talk about were the Jerry Springer guests I saw in the parking garage. Seriously. They had Springer beads around their neck. And didn’t know how to use the very self-EXPLANATORY pay machine. Posts where I just went on and one about nothing. And running. Instead I could just come home and watch TV and go to bed. And eat. To kill the sadness, remember?

Kinda like today. Because yay! Woot! I’m back up and running! I got fired for my blog! And? That’s about all I have. I mean, I’m unemployed. I haven’t even changed out of my PJs. I am now disgusting on top of being horribly boring.

I’m not ready to go into all the juicy details about what happened just yet. No, I’m not going soft. I just feel like I need to let it all cool down a little bit until I rip into them. I mean, the body isn’t even cold yet. And by body, I mean I haven’t gotten my last paycheck yet. And I need the cash.

So yeah. That’s about all I have.

Oh, I have some interviews next week. One is a second interview for a job I really want! The first interview last week went well and I’d be a perfect fit, naturally. The other interview on Tuesday seems good too. It’s an Executive Assistant position, but it’s for the VP of  Communications, which would be cool. And it’s right by the EL downtown. So things are looking good.

I was seriously scared that I’d start sending out resumes and applying for jobs and hear nothing. Granted, this could still happen. But in my last job searches, I haven’t had quality interviews this early in the search. So this is promising.

And? And! My cat just yawned. And the other one? Just looked at me! Unemployment blows.

Maybe I should go for a run. And I bet that some hilarity will ensue. I could go take a jog down by Wrigley. The Cubs are playing the Cards. At least there would be drunk people. And cute boys.

Or I could just take a cab down there and go drink beers.

Hmmm, which sounds like a better option Internet? Hellooooo! I’m still talking to you!

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, General | 3 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on April 19, 2007

Oh sweet merciless glowing white screen of WordPress.com! Oh how I’ve missed you so. I feel like I’m in one of those scenes you see when planes make safe landings and everyone is so excited to be on land (Land. LAND!) that they kiss the ground.

(I may have just hugged my monitor and gave the screen a little kiss. But since I’m a lazy whore, I just got a mouthful of dust. And now I have a lip print on the screen. Guess I’ll have to dust now.)

So I’m sure a lot of you are wondering where I have been. And why for almost the last three weeks you have missed your daily Kristabella fix. (Actually, pretty much most of you know.) And I think my temporary blog that I set up and never ever wrote on pretty much sums it up. The internet can be a crazy, crazy place bitches.

A lot has gone on in the last few weeks. A LOT. I’ve talked about it endlessly. Probably too much. And I’m not yet sure I want to go into all the details just yet on here. Basic story line is what you know – the blog was “discovered”, it was locked for almost three weeks, I did a little bit of editing and now I’m unemployed.

But as with most things in life, I’ve learned a lot.

• I’ve learned that everything happens for a reason and I know that this happened because bigger and better things are around the corner for me.
• I’ve learned, as I learned when I got the boot from the Niners (Must. Stop. Getting. Fired.) that you really learn who your true friends are when you go through this. I learned that there are certain people, one in particular, who couldn’t even take a second out of their day to drop an email or a text or make a phone call, people you’ve known for a majority of your life.
• And that hurts. And I don’t think I want to be friends with a person like that anymore.
• I learned that I have a really positive outlook on life. Despite all my profanity-laden posts and rants. And that’s a good thing. Because dwelling on all this crap would have done me no good.
• But I also think being positive hasn’t really given me time to cope with this big old life-changing event that took place. Which is why I probably teared up watching The Princess Diaries on Saturday.
• Sometimes you can overshare.
• I’ve learned that when I’m super stressed, I think about blog posts as I’m trying to fall asleep. And I’m seriously at my most most creative at that time.
• I also learned that if I don’t write down this creative genius, I wake up thinking things like “dusty lipstick?”
• I missed blogging and probably should have written posts to publish at a later date. But I just didn’t have the energy.
• And I may have been a bit fearful.
• OK, a lot.
• And maybe still am just a little. But what can they do to me?
• I’ve learned there are people in this world that need to get a thicker skin and just get the fuck over themselves.
• I still hate Changepoint.
• I’ve learned (and how I did not know this before, I have no clue) that Haagen Dazs ice cream is a little piece of heaven in a pint.
• And that eating it all in one sitting turns that little piece of heaven into one fucking huge piece of hell rolling around in my tummy. And oh my God too much heaven and cream in my belly makes me want to vomit on the cats.
• Oh, and I might eat out of stress.
• And to kill the little piece of sadness inside.
• Which is why my pants don’t fit.
• Stoopid sadness.
• I learned that I’m a lot stronger than I thought.
• I learned that it is completely believable when you tell people that you want to leave your job you’ve been at for three months because IT Consulting? Seriously? I’m PR/Marketing gal. What the fuck is EQAC? And SQL?
• Which? Whew. Because if I had to go into all of THIS? I would be working at Starbucks.
• Not that there is anything wrong with that. They even give benefits.
• I’m just a desk-job-loving-don’t-want-to-stand-on-my-feet-sit-in-my-chair-as-I-feel-my-ass-getting-bigger-throughout-the-day kind of gal.
• I’ve never had an HR exit interview. I have mine tomorrow. Stay tuned.

I should stop now. I had all these grand ideas that this would be like THE. BEST. POST. EVER!!! And it is not. I should have been all “I’m back. I’m unemployed. Please keep reading. And tell your friends. Slalom sucks.”

The end.

Oh, and today is my blog’s six month anniversary. Very fitting, I think. Happy Blogiversary to me!

Category: General | 17 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on March 28, 2007

First off, for all you concerned readers, I got my replacement cell phone in the mail today. 36 hours without a phone kinda sucks. Especially when Sanjaya has a mohawk on American Idol and you have NO ONE to text! (That was the second time this season where I had my head down when he started singing and when I finally looked at the screen I almost spit my water wine out.)

Second, I’m sick. And I’ve been going to work every day this week. And I probably shouldn’t because a day of sleeping in and doing nothing would probably get me over this stupid virus. Or at least not infect every passenger on my train with SARS.

Anyway. The real point of this post. So my company is changing their name. We’re having a HUGE party on Saturday night to announce the new brand. It’s a big secret. They don’t want anyone to know. They really want this party to be the big unveiling. Seattle, San Francisco and Portland are having their party on Friday night. We have ours with the Denver and Atlanta offices on Saturday. A LOT of work is going into this party.

A little bit of info, our company has a consulting side and a financial staffing side (like accountants, CPAs, etc.) So they want to re-brand to get us separate, once and for all, from the financial side. As is with most things the company does, it works for Seattle. They are established. People actually confuse the two. For the rest of us, we don’t have that problem. I’ll even take it a step further and say that it really doesn’t work for Chicago because we’ve already semi-established our consulting brand here. Now we’re going to be the consultants formerly known as Prince for months and months. (The other markets are super new, so they aren’t even known, consulting or otherwise yet. So no effect there either.)

Our CEO is really trying to hype this re-branding effort. He wants it to be secret so that everyone finds out all at once. He wants the surprise. And he’s spending a LOT of money on this whole thing. Let me give you a little rundown:

• First, we launched a new site that got us interested in guessing the new name. It has a new video every day with supposed clues. In one video you have to play rock, paper, scissors with some dude to try and get entered into a drawing for some cash.
• Also on this site, are hidden messages. Like when you click the banner, things pop up. Like a video from Denver at Coors Field. Or some weird voice mail from some dude I don’t know and a photo of The Lusty Lady (Rich’s favorite Seattle hang out.) And then there is a spreadsheet with “sample” names.
• And the CEO is tracking who logs on to this site. And if you haven’t logged in, he’s personally calling you to ask why.
• Last Friday in the mail I received a letter from Iceland. From a company called Global Consulting. From a dude named Snorri, who was the head of Global. Telling me about how I should work there. Because they make you work 80-hour weeks for no money and travel a lot and you can be easily replaced. (Hmmm, sounds a lot like the 49ers.) It wasn’t until the end of the letter when it talked about the re-branding party that I knew it was fake. I swear I sat here yelling “who the fuck are these people and how did they get my name and address? I’m not even a consultant???”
• On Monday, we got an email from Jess Fulon, which told us our new name was SuperConnect. And Jess knew from his cousin Paul Inyerleg, who ran some sort of IP search. Just Foolin’ and Pullin Your Leg.
• Yesterday, the CEO sent out an email with the press release announcing the name as SuperConnect and that this press release was going to hit the wires on Sunday. (The big glaring thing about this was that they already told us the party was a “soft” launch and they weren’t announcing it to the media until the end of April.)
• And then about 10 minutes later the CEO recalled the email. Well after most everyone had read it. Seriously? How dumb does he think we are?

So I’m fine with just finding out on Saturday. From everything I’ve heard, no one really likes it. (Although two people in the office that are planning the party know it and they say it has grown on them. But they won’t tell us.) I was fine waiting for the “clues” on the videos on the site. Some of them were entertaining. But other than that, not that into it.

But, the one girl in my office has been really into it. It KILLS her that she doesn’t know. Especially since other people know. It’s eating her up inside. So we’ve spent hours (seriously. Hours.) trying to figure the damn thing out. Supposedly it starts with S. It’s a real word. And it has two syllables. Today in our morning meeting, another person mentioned that there was a patent or copyright applied for by my company for the name Slalom. Slalom, seriously?

So we’re convinced that is it. Except it doesn’t really fit with any of the messages we want to send with the new brand. We even threw the name around in the office today to see if we could get a reaction out of the two that know. I swore I saw a little look of fear in the one person’s eyes when we said it. Like an “aw, shit!” kind of look. But they are adamant that we are wrong. And they’ve “said” they’ll tell us if we’re right.

(Please don’t let it be Slalom. Please.)

And then today all the ex-Accenture folks were reliving their name change back in the day from Anderson to Accenture. And they had the same bag of tricks. Trying to lead you in one direction to totally throw you off the scent of the real name. And now we’re all “have we just been completely sent on a wild goose chase?”

And then I get mad for even playing into it. And even being sucked in to whatever they want to me believe. I could have been blogging! Or something equally as useful! Just tell me the damn name already. And also? There has GOT to be something better you could be doing with your time, people.

I must go now. Before I cough up a lung.

Category: General | 2 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on March 27, 2007

Well, have you?

Because I lost it. Sometime yesterday between the hours of 6 PM and 8 PM. And I have abso-fucking-lutely no idea where it is.

Seriously, I have a cold and have been really worn out lately (and running the 5 miles on Sunday probably didn’t help matters) so I’ve been a little absent-minded.

So I remember putting it in my bag last night when I left work. And then I did a little shopping. Because the weather is nice and I work SO close to all the fun shops downtown. So I must have dropped it sometime when I pulled out my wallet to pay? Or when I got my book out to read on the EL ride home? But usually when that happens, I feel it. Or hear it.

I thought I left it at the office, so I wasn’t too concerned until I got in this morning and it wasn’t here. And really, it’s a phone, so I’m just STOKED it wasn’t my wallet. Yeah, it’s a little creepy that some homeless guy could call almost each and every one of you. But at least it’s deactivated and there’s no identity theft threat. (I hope.) So, WHEW!

But all is fine because I actually signed up for the insurance this time. So I’ll have a new phone in a matter of days. So don’t call me until then.

And, just for shits and giggles (and because I’m just a bitch like that), I would like to point out the fact that I think (as I’m sure all of you would agree) that losing a cell phone, way worse than losing a coat. Right? I mean, there’s a lot more information in there. And a lot of people have their cell phone as their only phone.

And yet, I didn’t freak out one bit. No tears were shed. All in all, just mad at myself since I’m such an IDIOT!

(Yes, I know I’m a horrible bitch for drawing comparisons. But I couldn’t resist.)

Category: General | 11 Comments »
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