Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on July 1, 2007

I know, I know. My lack of blogging lately is shameful. I have no great excuse. When I get busy and get mopey, it’s the first thing I stop doing. When it really should be the first thing I keep doing. Or at least write shit ahead of time to publish at a later date. Geez woman! Get with the technology out there on the information superhighway.

But right now I’m tired and lazy, so it’s time for another installment of “Kristin Claims a Bunch of Inane Thoughts in Bullet-Point-Form as a Blog Post!” Enjoy!

• First off, Senor Beavis was under the impression that I got paid to write that last post about Twitter. Ha! I wish! No one has approached me about ads or pay-per-posts kinds of things. And I don’t think I’d ever do it. Because I’ve seen some of those and seriously? Do you guys want to read about ways to refinance your home loan? Because I think that’s the only people that pay you. And that shit ain’t funny.
• Instead, I just like Twitter. And I don’t know why! I just enjoy sending texts to no one. And people all over the globe could read about it. I still don’t get it.
• Maybe sending texts to no one would be a much better idea for me in certain cases. When I’ve had some of the hooch and get a little tipsy and think texting certain people is a good idea..
• Evan Almighty is a funny movie. I know Swishy wishes more people would go see A Mighty Heart, but sometimes you just need a good laugh. And the combination of Steve Carell and Wanda Sykes is HIGH-larious!
• Sometimes I hate summer. Besides the heat. (I mean, I think I am capable of talking about something else. Besides how hot is fucking it is all the damn time. But then again it’s like a little chilly right now. And I may or may not be sitting inside typing with a hoodie on.) But I don’t like summer sometimes because at this time of year, the sun stays out forever. (I mean, if you’re not in AZ, of course. They don’t change time and boycott daylight savings and pay for it by having the sun go down at like 6 PM in the summer. Which is probably a good things since it’s melt-your-skin hot there this time of year.) I was out at dinner and it was like freaking 8 PM and the sun’s all shining brightly, making me think the weekend isn’t anywhere close to being over. You, sun. You are a LIAR! In all your brightly, shining, sunny goodness. FRAUD!
• Oh, and yes, I’ll be complaining when it is dark at 4 PM and it feels like night before I even leave work.
• I complain. Durr. You should realize this. I’ve been complaining on this site for like 8 months.
• The other night I hit my knee on my closet. Or something. I think it was the door frame. And no, I wasn’t drunk. But then I went ahead and hit it 2 days later on the fucking corner of the coffee table. (I had been drinking then.) And now I’ve done and messed it up bad. Schwerer said it’s a hemoglobin or something. And I was totally going to post a photo of it, but every single photo was so damn unflattering. It looked like my knee ate a small cat or something. So you’ll just have to believe me. That my knee is fat. And that it’s a nasty bruise. (And it actually doesn’t look as bad as Friday. So really? Shock value went out the window anyway.)
• Friday was one of my early release days. I had a meeting in the suburbs and then had the rest of the afternoon off. (I love this summer hours thingy.) I had all sorts of plans. I was going to get an oil change! And get my car washed! For the first time in like a year!
• What did I do instead? I actually had a nice afternoon visiting with my mom, my sister and my nephew. (His birthday was Tuesday.) And we went to the Wal-Mart in town. And bought some of them new fandangled light bulb thing-a-ma-bobs.
• No, actually. But I did get a new rug for my living room. Ain’t it pretty? Much more pretty than a stupid oil change. Take that, Jiffy Lube!

• And the cats haven’t even puked on it yet. But it’s still early.
• Someone told me on Thursday that maybe I should swear less. That’s a fucking bullshit unrealistic goal for me to even goddamn think about doing. I’m sure I’d just fuck that damn shit up, bitches.
• Oh, and I got my hair did last Saturday. So in keeping with the tradition of endless photos of my fugly hair, here you go.

Yep, that about sums it up. I can’t even keep the goddamned fucking swearing out of photos.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me, General | 11 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on June 27, 2007

People, do you know about Twitter? Are you on it? Do you understand it? Do you need yet another thing in your life to waste precious time with?

Well then get your ass on Twitter. Because I am. And I have no fucking clue what the point is. All I know is that everyone else was doing it, so I needed to jump off that proverbial bridge. Because, really? Am follower. Not leader.

Except I finally joined while at the conference. When NOT on company network. That blocks things. Like video. And espn.com. And Twitter apparently. Because it’s a dating/personals site. Um, OK. I bet if I check tomorrow it doesn’t block MySpace. Because that would be so damn fitting. Feel free to waste your time fucking around on MySpace, but God forbid you want to know the score from the Cubs game last night. Because that would be a waste of my time.

Thank God they still allow blogs. Once that stops I will have to spend 8 hours working. And what person actually has 8 hours of work to do in a day? And 8 more hours for the subsequent days that week?

Anyway, Twitter. You all need to sign up. Or something. I need more friends. Although, Jen is my friend. Which, really? Is all a psycho stalker like myself needs. (And don’t even doubt for a second that when I got the “Jen Lancaster is your newest friend” email from the Twitter peeps, I didn’t forward it to people. Just to say SQUEEEEEE!)

I think I’m kind of getting what it is all about. Although, since I can’t actually access it at work, I can only send texts messages to it (which I just figured out how to do. Which means, this could be FUN come the next time I’m drunk! All the more reason to join. And follow me. Or make me a friend. Again, I don’t get it. I bet the 12-year olds do, though.)

But as I was walking to my car in these shoes, while it was raining, and thought “hmmm, I bet these shoes would really conduct electricity. And holding keys in my hand probably won’t help matters either” I figured “this is what Twitter is for.” I can’t write a whole post about it (well I could) but it needs to be shared. Needs. To be. Shared!

Or “The water at work has a funny taste to it. I need to hire Erin Brokovich now.”

So yeah. You. Go sign up. Now. And share your whatevers with the world. And waste more of your day on the internet! And add me as a friend. Or something.

Or not. It’s not like I really get it anyway. But I like it. I like it a lot.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me, General | 7 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on June 26, 2007

I know. I haven’t written in like a week. And I have no good excuse. Except that I find being utterly lazy and sloth-like is a damn good excuse.

Don’t worry, I didn’t eat too much bacon and have a heart attack. No, I didn’t melt into a puddle like the Wicked Witch in Wizard of Oz because of the damn heat. And no, I didn’t get a DUI and end up in jail in a cell next to Paris Hilton. (Although out of all these fake situations, that one is the most realistic.)

Work sucks. Yeah, I said it. I don’t much care for my job. I think a lot of it is because I’m new and still figuring out when I can tell someone to shove a steel bar up their ass and when I can’t.  And I was hating it so much towards the end of last week I was about to cry or quit. And figured that you probably didn’t want to hear all about my ranting and whinyness and overall bitter attitude. Because really, I need to shut the fuck up and just do the work and pay the damn bills. Because maybe I should keep a job this time around. Ya think?

But actually I was super busy last week with that conference. Busy not being able to type in the meeting room. Because you? TYPE LOUD! And I think they caught me checking out MamaPop. Which, roll your eyes at someone else person who is checking Yahoo mail and a BAKERY WEBSITE! Those in glass houses and all that shit. Because I got a fucking trunk full of rocks! (I have no idea what that means.)

And yesterday I went to my brother’s graduation at Navy Pier and then we went on a boat cruise on the Lake. And I was so damn tired from the walking and the sitting that I went to bed at 7 PM. Like when the sun was STILL OUT. But mostly it was because I didn’t get home from Jenn’s birthday party until 2:30 AM. Which meant that being at Navy Pier at 10 AM was going to be rough. But I made it. Am rockstar. Hand over medal.

And now I’m a fucking sloth because I ate too much for dinner. From the Mexican dive-y place down the street. That I am convinced should start giving me free burritos because I think I’m part of the reason why they are still in business. I’m like a walking advertisement. What with the jiggly belly. And the flabby arms. And the round jovial face. Jammed with carne asada. And the fact that I’m usually walking in and out of that place at least once a week. (I was there last Thursday too.)

And I’m even more mad about the full belly because I have Oreos in the house. And milk! And I want to eat them! But then will vomit on the cat. And I just took him to the vet and damn the vet is expensive and I need to keep him around a little longer to justify the cost. And by the way, he has cat acne. Hey kids, become a vet. That’s where the money is. I paid $32 for Kitty Oxy 10. Am world’s biggest fucktard. Zits never killed any one. And he fucking licks most of the medicine off every time I put it on anyway.

And now I must go to bed. (Did you notice I started like every fucking paragraph with AND? Because laziness = small words and/or the same word.) Because am still tired from stupid conference. And all the liquor. And apparently boats are exhausting.

And because when I asked Bacon, he said “Boycott Tofu.” Where Tofu must mean writing inane bullshit on your blog. But tonight! I defy you Bacon! Don’t spit grease on me. It hurts.

And Tuesday night I’m going to the Cubs game. So don’t ask why I didn’t post. Because clearly I will be drunk. Unless my stomach explodes from the mass of tortilla and steak in my belly.

In which case I’ll stick to less than 12 beers.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me, General | 3 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on June 19, 2007

I’m at the conference again. The same conference. In the same place. With the same food. It’s like effing Groundhog’s Day.

Oh, and the bartender at the bar downstairs knows my name. And remembers my room number. From the LAST time I was here. Wayne is my boy. I now might become a regular at a hotel bar. In the suburbs. Thirty miles from my house.

So that’s all I have. I haven’t even felt like blogging. Because this is the limit of what I can talk about. Booze and food. Which isn’t that off from what I usually talk about on here. (See: Bacon, What Would You Do.)

This is a different group of sales managers in this week. It’s the same exact presentations. On the same exact days. But at least this time I’m allowed to pull out the laptop and check blogs email. But I have to be quiet when I type. Which is hard. Because I have a personal vendetta with the fucking space bar that requires me to beat it into oblivion.

This is extent of what I have to talk about:

• The power went out yesterday afternoon. For about 4 hours. And it was 900 degrees outside yesterday. And hotels don’t have windows that open. Just really big windows that look out at the golf course and fucking mock us all day while we sit inside. Not enjoying the sun or nice weather.
• We had about 1/2 of our evening without power last night. And it got really hot in the room we were eating in. (Have you heard how I feel about the heat? Because me? I’m not a fan. At. All.) So warm I wasn’t even interested in drinking. Anything but water.
• Until it came back on. And Wayne was pouring me Jack and Coke. Minus a lot of the Coke.
• The pants I wore yesterday were a little on the lower rise side. And every time I sat down I was like one of those skanks showing my thong. Except not on purpose. And just my luck, I had to bend over a lot to move boxes.
• I’m a classy broad.
• I sat and drank with a bunch of Southerners last night. I’ve never felt more like a Yankee in my entire life.
• But it was damn entertaining.
• And apparently they all know each other. Seriously.
• And I was close to puking this morning during one of the presentations. By the Executive VP.
• But I’m not sure it was because of the Jack.
• New York & Company is having a conference here. And their employees wear the clothes. I know because I’ve seen the entire contents of my suitcase on someone here this week. I could totally crash their meeting.

Tonight we are going off-site for dinner. And drinks. And I’m sure I’ll be getting some more drinks poured by Wayne downstairs until the wee hours of the morning. Even though I like to kid myself and say I’m only going to have one. It always turns into one plus 17. And then all of a sudden the bar is closed and the next thing I remember is waking up on the 14th green naked getting smacked in the face by a divot.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, General, Hooch Hilarity | 7 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on June 15, 2007

If I was a smart blogger, I would have saved those lolcats photos with Simba and the bacon for it’s own post. Today. So I could just be done with it and on to bed.

I haven’t much felt like writing this week. But that’s when I feel like I should. Especially after the conference last week and not writing every day. Because once I get into a habit of not writing every day, I’ll get used to it. And I do enjoy writing, which is why I make myself do it. It cheers me up. It gives me an opportunity to spin the bacon wheel. Which? Will always be awesome.

(Bacon says? Eat the cat. No. BAD Bacon. You’re going to get bacon-slapped. Bacon says “Beckon!”) (I’m not sure if that’s supposed to be beckon or lolcat speak for bacon. Or like that annoying dog on those commericals. It’s BECKON!!) (And yes, that’s what the raw piece of pork landed on when I spun it. It’s live-action here at Kristabella.)

Part of the reason I haven’t felt like writing is work. Because I’m busy (Yay!) so I’m beat down by the time I get home. And also because of the heat (will you just shut the fuck up about the heat already? Jesus Christ, woman! It’s fucking summer. It’s going to be HOT.) (You know what else cheers me up? When I pretend yell at myself on my blog.)

No but seriously, heat tires you out. And sadly, with the office being warm, I go from hot house to hot car to hot work to hot outside to go get lunch in cafeteria that used to be cold, but now is also hot, back to hot office to eat to hot car to hot house. (Did you get all that?)

I seriously think it’s why I’ve started yelling obscenities. At strangers. From inside my car. With the windows WIDE OPEN. On the SOUTH SIDE OF CHICAGO. Not far from THE PRISON!! And also why if someone came up to my car window whilst I was sitting at a traffic light and bitch-slapped my ass, I’d be okay with it. Because damn, I’m deserving. Except when I was downtown on Michigan Avenue the other night and some fuckers couldn’t figure out to turn at a green light so I yelled (loudly) “Stay off the roads, tourists!” And it made a jogger smile. I’m here to entertain people.

Anyway, right, I’m busy at work. No more heat talk. I lurve being busy. It makes the day go by so fast. And I love being busy with the stuff I’m doing. I lurve my job! (I know I said that about the consulting place, but I think I was talking myself into it. And I loved the people (still do). Hated the work. And you know, hindsight and all that.)

Today I went on a tour of a plant we have. It was great. I’m a very visual person (and visually pleasing as well) so if I’m working for a company that makes stuff or does stuff, I need to see it in action. I can read propaganda brochures and literature until the cows come home, but I’m not going to get it until I see it. In action.

Well, now? I get it. I think that’s why I had such a hard time at Stick Up Their Asses Consulting. I don’t get it. I know I tried to tell you all about how we ruled and everyone needs consultants. And we’re not the Office Space consultants, yada, yada, yada. I don’t argue that consultants are needed in certain situations. But I never got what we were consulting for. I couldn’t go on a plant tour to see it in action. And if I did, it would be all “systems nvdiovnidoa and we like initials for everything mfdopwavmdopaw and computers ndiwaovnidoas worky worky fndiwaovnmdaios charge a lot per hour vndiavjdiosa fix things gobbeldy gook EQAC!”

(EQAC (ee-quack) stands for Enterprise Quality and Compliance. The one time I think that all the words together make less sense than the abbreviation. What the fuck does that mean?)

I mean I was dealing with invoices. And how much money is left on this PO? And can you forecast when this PO is going to run out? Dude. I am writer/PR person/Marketing/Communications. So, no. We don’t forecast. And Excel can do that? What??? It does more than add? Wha???

Again with the hindsight. Because I was perfectly happy there until all this shit went down (and no, I haven’t decided to tell my story yet. Still scared. Someday my gut will give me the green light. When I’m 73 and still blogging. And my cats are still alive. And my memory will remember it as “I went skiing and the company didn’t like that I wrote a letter about it to my mom and they fired me after 18 days.”) I loved the people and the job kept me busy enough. But I wasn’t going to be there long. Not with the way the corporate office in Seattle runs things. And because when it came down to it, I was always going to miss writing and editing and using my God-given abilities. None of which include accounting and invoicing and forecasting and complex quadratic equations in Excel.

So everything does happen for a reason. I’m with a great company. With a TON of history. And I’m enjoying what I do. And I’m really confident in my abilities. Because I’m doing what I know. And I am not afraid to share my opinions because I know when it comes to things like proofreading, publications, design, editing, marketing, etc., I know what the fuck I’m talking about. And I’m back at a company where teaching someone how to put a note in a PDF makes me a techy-nerd-genius type. And EQAC won’t be uttered. Unless an excited duck walks through the office. Eeeee! Quack!

The best part is that we have summer hours, so tomorrow? I have a half day! And I’m taking the train up to the racetrack to drink beer. And bet on the horsies. And hopefully win some money! Party in the Park Fridays, bitches! Giddy up!

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, General, Worky Work | 8 Comments »
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