Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on July 24, 2007

I’m sure not. I’m sure he’d tell me I’m a stupid whore or something like that. Why again is he Match.com’s spokesperson? Was every other sane person taken? Dr. Ruth? The Loveline dude? Anyone???

Anyway, I am not feeling at all creative this week. I’ve been in a funk (which I’ve said here before) for some time. I don’t know what it is. But I’m hoping to get out of it soon. But me in a funk leads to posts about beans and George Wendt. Which, really, let’s be honest, NO post would have been better. (Seemed so good in my head.) (That was your first mistake.) (Shut up head!)

So I figured I’d give y’all an update on the saga that is Kristabella Tackles Online Dating.

Which would be wrong. Since I’ve been on for a week and a half and haven’t gone on any dates. Actually, before tonight, I hadn’t logged on since I signed up. Which, even I know to make this work, you have to be active. If Prince Charmings were just going to fall out of the sky and land in my vestibule and push my buzzer and climb up three flights of stairs, on their horses, with roses for me, it would have already happened for the love of Christ.

As I mentioned before, I have done this song and dance before. I tried Yahoo personals. Which is a little better from the standpoint that you can IM. And sending an IM like “want to chat?” is a lot easier than sending a damn email. Because besides “what’s up?” what the hell else do I say? That isn’t already in my profile? And are these supposed to be creative subject lines? The PRESSURE!

After logging in I noticed that nothing changed. One guy “winked” at me. So I winked back. And I’m feeling really good because the girl is stacked. What? Oh, sorry. So I don’t just stand there, I bust a move. And email this fellow. Dressed in yellow. (Not really. But that’s how Young MC spits it, yo. Word.) Who seems nice enough. We’ll see what happens.

And then I notice that I have stipulations to my membership. Because of this whole guarantee. (If you don’t find love in 6 months, they’ll pay for your next 6 months of service. I can deal with that.) But you didn’t tell me I’d have to do anything.

So I have to send 5 emails a month. Which isn’t a big deal. Unless you freak out because, OHMYGOD! it’s almost the end of the month. But I just signed up! Must send emails? Now? Aarrgggh! Although, had you just looked at the words right above, it says you are only on day 9 of 30. Dumbass. Whew.

I also had another wink. From a big, short, fat man. Now, I’m no Skinny Minny. But this dude had to be like 375 pounds, if he weighed a pound. And he had the audacity to say his body type was “a few extra pounds.” Yeah. A few extra pounds. Plus a 7-year old child. Needless to say, I didn’t wink back. Because he was stacked.

But I did spend some time searching profiles, for people who “match” me based on what I like (tall) and want (tall), and sent some emails to a few decent candidates. So, we’ll see how that goes.

I know it may be a little hard to believe, but I can be a little shy. I’ll tell a stranger to go fuck themselves, but sending emails to random strangers? Looking for love? As I am? Holy shit that scares the beejezus out of me!

Not to mention the fact that I really don’t know what the hell to say. I mean it’s like a yearbook. “KIT! Have a kick ass summer! Loved your profile!” Although, what I really want to say is “You’re cute. Don’t look like a serial killer. And you’re not a midget. And you seem to want more than a booty call. Woot! Email me back, holmes.” All with the subject line of either “Insert Witty Title Here” or “So, Do You Come Here Often?” I kid. You. Not. Those were my email subject lines. And I wonder why I’m single.

The other part of it is the whole putting yourself out there thing. Again, may be hard to believe since I’m telling the entire Information Superhighway (why don’t we say that anymore? We should bring it back. Out with Sexy Back. In with Information Superhighway Back.) (Oh. Right. It’s too fucking long to type.) Anyway, again, hard to believe as I’m telling teh interweb (much better) about my online dating experience, but I’m not so much into the putting myself out there. I do NOT like rejection. I mean, for fuck’s sake people, I got mad and upset when you didn’t like my shoes! Am far too insecure!

But I’m growing. I’m almost 30. Must start doing things I don’t like. Or that are uncomfortable. Except eating raw clams. Because it’s like eating boogers.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me, General, Online Dating | 7 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on July 23, 2007

(On a side note, I’d like to point out that when I logged on to write this, the blog of the minute was a money blog with some dude asking whether he could pass a fake engagement ring off on his girlfriend. Um, you don’t need to be the blog of the minute to know that the answer to that stupid question is a resounding NO. Good luck with that proposal, chief.)

Anyway, so I’m pretty sure that headline is only funny to me. And my brother, who doesn’t read. And possibly Senor Beavis, since he too is an Animaniacs fan. And maybe my mom. Because I think we used to annoy her with the questions from this episode. Because it’s HIGH-larious.

Anyway, that line is from an episode of Animaniacs. And it’s about these really annoying survey ladies who keep bothering the Warner Brothers (and their sister, Dot) about taking a survey. They pop up everywhere “Would you like to take a survey?”

And all their survey questions have to do with beans and Ge0rge Wendt. And they are EVERYWHERE! And it’s really funny for some reason. That show is just classic.

(Check it out. Because I can’t embed non-You Tube videos into WordPress.)

Anyway, why do I mention this? Because I met George Wendt! But not the George Wendt. (That would be a hell of a Christmas card, though.) I met George Wendt’s first cousin. Whose name is also George Wendt. And looks nothing like Norm from Cheers. And apparently the Wendt family isn’t so creative when it comes to names. (This is my brother Darrell and my other brother Darrell.)

The Wendt’s are all Chicago natives. South Siiiiide! (And you just thought he really liked Da Bears and sausages on SNL.) And apparently the George Wendt I met, his family has owned this company on the South side for quite some time.

The best part? That’s how he introduces himself. As George Wendt’s first cousin. And even says he’s nothing like Norm. He’s more like George Costanza. (Um, huh?!?!?)

Who cares that this George Wendt can bend metal. With his mind.

Must be all the beans.

And this is officially the stupidest thing I’ve ever written.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me, General | 6 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on July 22, 2007

I’m finished with the Harry Potter book! I know! Like one whole day later!

(The sad thing is that some people were done before I even got the book in the mail. Sleep is more important to me.)

I’m not gong to go into the book or anything. I know there are a lot of people who haven’t finished yet. And a lot of people who will actually probably never read it. (You people are missing out. These are great books!)

Anyway, I would like to point out that in my day and a half of reading, I have neglected everything else in my life. Which is why there is laundry “drying” in the living room. From the laundry I did last Sunday. Also:

• There are two suitcases, in the hall, RIGHT by the front door so I trip over them. Every time! They are still pretty much packed. Except for the two pairs of pants strewn about. For God knows what reason.
• There’s probably some cat puke somewhere I’ve neglected. (Maybe under the pants?) Because must. Not. Stop. Reading.
• I’m still in my pajamas.
• I went to the Cubs game yesterday with my Mom, just a mere hour after the book landed in my vestibule (I’m in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre.) I came home from the game, took a nap to sleep off the beer and I then read for four hours.
• In between reading today, I got hit with a bad case of SOADES and had to take a little nap. In which I dreamed about spells and wands and shit. That was when I just figured I’d finish the damn book.
• I actually turned down going to a street fest, on a beautiful day, to finish this 759-page monster. Because I was afraid I’d go to work tomorrow and someone would tell me what had happened.
• I’m not like crazy fanatical or anything, like I don’t get dressed up for Harry Potter releases, but I was really, really fearful of teh interweb spoiling it for me.
• And that’s what I’m telling myself when people ask why I have no clean clothes for work this week.
• And why I smell a little like cat puke.
• I just saw a cat-hair-tumbleweed that knocked me out of my chair.
• Even Bacon is embarrassed by me.
• But it was really good.
• And I’m sad there will be no more.
• Although, after this display, maybe it is a good thing. And a good thing that all I have are cats. That can take care of their damn selves.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me, General | 8 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on July 19, 2007

I wrote this on Wednesday night. When Friday seemed so, so far away.

I don’t really have anything to write about. I mean, besides getting my ass up early and sitting in product training all day long, there’s not a whole hell of a lot going on with me.

The worst is the lack of computer time. I mean, the product training can be really informative, but I’m pretty damn sure that I have some sort of disorder. Because when it comes to meetings or conferences or anything, I cannot keep my damn eyes open. I’m not kidding. They get all glazed over, almost like I’m crossing my eyes. (Apparently that’s what my eyes do when I’m tired. I’ve actually wondered what it looks like. I should try and take a photo.) So yeah, they are open, probably just only slits, and I pretend I’m reading the notes. But I’m not. I’m willing myself to stay awake. And then usually what happens is I doze off for one quick second, because I always get a head bob that knocks me back awake. And then the cycle starts all over again, about 30 seconds later.

It’s really bad. I start fidgeting. Moving around in my seat. I try doodling. But since I can’t draw or anything, I usually color in the letters and numbers. But that, really, only can get me through so much.

Then I get up to go to the bathroom. Or get a drink. Or to take a cat nap in the bathroom. (I usually blame it on the food.) (No, not really. I get all guilty that people know I’m sleeping in the bathroom. Because, ewwwww.)

And it’s not just sales conferences where people drone on and on. And it’s not just because I’m usually out drinking late and haven’t gotten any sleep. There is this one part of my brain that just knows. It knows that it’s going to be hours of endless boring stuff. It’s happened in meetings with just me and my boss before. Or just 2-3 people in the room. I think the ADD kicks in bad because NO STIMULATION! For the love of Christ, I need animation or sound or a damn drink.

Or maybe, computers give me energy. Maybe I’m some sort of robot. And all the electromagnetic whoosey dingys and what not flow through my veins and immediately recharge me. Or just maybe there are enough things to occupy your time with on the internet. Most days.

I even asked my doctor about it. Because maybe I have like low iron or something. Like only when I’m sitting in meetings. Away from my computer. But she tested me out. I’m fine. I’m just an idiot. That has a hard time staying awake.

I have a new condition – Sudden Onset Adult Droopy Eyelid Syndrome (SOADES). They just won’t stay OPEN! I’m going to submit it to the American Journal of Medicine or whatever researchy journaly thing is out there. Because this is serious, people.

I’m afraid of an epidemic. I’m saving you. All of you.

And there is only one known cure. Let me fucking waste my time on the computer checking email and reading blogs.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me, General, Worky Work | 5 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on July 15, 2007

Sometimes I’m not a smart person. I do really stupid things, things I know that I shouldn’t do, but yep. I do them anyway. These things usually pertain to yucky boys and my heart overruling my head. (Which I always told myself would NEVER happen. Am smart intelligent woman. How can this happen to sane people? Well, it does. All. The. Effing. Time.)

And usually in these instances, I need a 2 by 4 to the damn face to make me realize “Hey YOU! You are being STUPID!” Unfortunately, 2 by 4s to the face really fucking suck. But, DAMN, they really get the job done.

My love life has been non-existent lately. I mean, I can’t tell you the last time I was on a proper date. (Or when I turned British. Wankers.) A lot of it was that I wasn’t ready. It took me a long time to get over my ex-boyfriend. A LOT of time, probably according to most people. But everyone is different.

But now I’m ready again. After a few blips of utter stupidity. I need to get back out there. Because you know what? I just don’t meet people in bars. I need something else.

I’ve done the online dating thing before. It works well. I never met “the one” but I met some cool people. Also some toads. And apparently short, heavy-set men are REALLY attracted to me. (People, I hate to be all shallow and shit, but I’m almost 6-feet tall. If you’re 5-4, I’m sorry. I will not be attracted to you. I will not suffer from a lifetime of back problems from bending over to kiss you. And talk to you. Since you’ll be so low to the ground.) (But you would come in handy when I drop shit.)

Last time I did Yahoo Personals. I didn’t have much luck. I met a lot of perverts. Just wanting a hook up. Which, jeebus, people, I’m almost 30. I don’t need more random hook-ups. Those I can do just fine on my own. That’s what bars are for. And I don’t have to pay $15 a month for that.

So tonight? I signed up for Match.com. I’m taking the plunge and doing the online dating thing again. To be honest, I don’t have a lot of confidence in it. But I know people who have met their “one” on there. Specifically I know one person who just recently had her second baby with her guy she met on Match. And they are all kinds of happy. So I know it works. I do believe in it.

But sometimes I feel things get lost in translation. I never know what to write. I mean, you don’t want to be too funny because then you’re like batshit crazy. Too serious and you’re like that chick who will end up stalking you. Maybe my profile should just read “I’m funny! I like sports! Go read kristabella.wordpress.com! And you’ll see! I’m batshit crazy AND funny!”

But yeah. I’m at a good place for this. And I’m all set on really putting the effort into it. Because it’s a lot with the email and the winks and the searching and all. You have to have time to devote to this. This I know. And I’m ready to put in the time. Because I’m ready to move on from ex-boyfriends. And from the one-night stands. And into real adult relationships.

But I will not be taking any assvice from Dr. Phil. Because you sir, are a fucking moron.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me, General, Online Dating | 6 Comments »
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