Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on January 1, 2008

Bacon wanted to start 2008 off with wishing all of you a Happy New Year. And Bacon really hopes all of you have a great 2008. And eat a lot of Bacon. Because it is good. And Bacon paid a lot of money to that Dr. Atkins guy to include a lot of Bacon in that diet of his.

So for those of you who might be new to Kristabella, you might want to go back and read this post. And this one. And probably this one too.

Basically, Bacon is a folder that gives you advice about what Bacon would do when life hands you a problem. And a frying pan. And I in turn ask Bacon to answer my Google search terms. Because I don’t understand why people search for “drunk cats” period, let alone search “drunk cats” to find my site. Because I am far too selfish. My cats don’t get any alcohol. Unless they lick the empty wine bottles in the recycling bin. Which, let’s face it people, happens quite often since they are my cats.

Bacon is actually reluctantly doing this since Kristabella failed to mention Bacon as one of the bright spots of 2007. And Kristabella has apologized profusely. Because she figured it was understood that Bacon is always the highlight. Of every second of the day.

And now on to the search terms.

Are candy wrappers recyclable?
Bacon appreciates that some person out there is really concerned about the environment and making sure we have a planet left to live on for the kids and future Bacon eaters of the world. Bacon also says “Tempt a Vegan” because he thinks that a Vegan asked this question. Because they had low blood sugar and then felt guilty about eating candy that may have been made with milk or pig grease and in that moment when their blood sugar dropped, figured that to put the world back in balance, Vegan should do something good for the planet. And this is why Bacon hates Vegans. Eat some Bacon. Then you won’t be so damn crazy.

1977 cell phone
Bacon wonders if there really were cell phones in 1977. Or if some nerd typed in cell phone with some arbitrary year. Albeit a great year, since that is the year of our Lord’s Kristabella’s birth. Upon some research on Wikipedia, Bacon read a lot of words and got bored and thinks maybe there were cell phones in 1977, but they were large bricks and something like Zack Morris’. To which Bacon says “Raise Cholesterol” because Bacon had a big crush on Kelly Kapowski and she could really get his blood flowing. As long as he was still uncooked.

Girl glasses nice feet “bad eyes”
Bacon isn’t really sure about this one. Because Bacon, in all his genius, doesn’t understand what a girl’s feet has to with her being a four-eyed freak with glasses. Bacon thinks that maybe since the “girl” in question has glasses, the asker of this was wondering if it is OK to avoid looking this four-eyed freak in the eye and instead just stare at her feet. Which happen to be “nice feet.” To which Bacon says “Sizzle.” Fo Sizzle.

Stories little preteen daughter wants
Bacon must have missed something. Because he sits up in this apartment every damn day, on the edge of the coffee table, never getting out of the house for an adventure, and he’s never seen a kid. Let alone a preteen daughter. So Bacon is starting to question the intelligence of people who use Google. Since Bacon spends his time alternating between daydreaming about Kelly Kapowski and fighting off the stupid cats in this apartment, he has no advice about stories. Especially stories for preteens. So Bacon says “Hang Out With Hashbrowns” because clearly Hashbrowns know better what a preteen girl wants.

Deer in headlights bobblehead
Bacon never understood the whole bobblehead craze. I mean, have you seen most of these bobbleheads? They very rarely end up looking like the person they are modeled after. So in turn, you usually end up with a bobblehead that looks like your old boss and well, that’s just kind of creepy. But Bacon wonders what this deer in headlights bobblehead would look like. Bacon wonders, would it be an actual deer with an actual car coming towards it? Or would it be some person supposed to look like someone that isn’t your old boss with their eyes open really wide? Because either would be pretty stupid. Bacon wonders if people would keep this on their desk at work. And instead of an easy button when life blindsides them, they’ll just hold up the bobblehead. To show all just how they are feeling at that particular moment. Like instead of running away. So what would Bacon do? Bacon would “Smoke” because then Bacon could get the fuck out of that situation, since you can’t smoke inside. Or he might just “Spit Hot Grease” because nothing makes Bacon happier than spitting hot grease at stupid people. Bacon says it is fun and we should all try it.

Bitches with brackets
Bacon isn’t sure if this person was wondering about bitches who get all into the NCAA Tournament in March, a kind of March Madness if you will, or if this person really wanted to search [bitches] but didn’t know which one was brackets. Because it also could have been {bitches} or (bitches) and really to stop all the confusion, it is just easier to ask about “bitches with brackets.” Bacon, for one, hates the bitches with winning brackets in March. But Bacon would “Put the ‘B’ in BLT” because everyone, including Bacon, knows that if someone is a bitch, it usually means girl just needs to eat something and give the bitch a damn sammich.

So there we have it. Looks like Bacon is going to have a good year.

Category: All Things Blogging, Bacon | 9 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on December 31, 2007

It’s the end of the year. So it is time to wax poetically about the year we just completed and the excitement of the upcoming year and all the goodness it will contain. Goodness and cookies. Because a year is no good without cookies.

I, for one, am happy for 2007 to be coming to an end. I am sure I’m not the only one. For me, 2007 was not the best year.

There were obviously some good things. But there were some not so good things. And overall it wasn’t a horrible year. I am healthy. My family is healthy. I have a job and a roof over my head. But it is a year I am glad to put behind me. I am looking forward to 2008. Because I feel like I will start it off on the right foot and I can only go from there.

2007 a year in review:

• I never felt settled in 2007. I just skimmed through my blog posts for the entire year and to me it seemed for a majority of the year I just couldn’t get into a routine. Which, to an anal Virgo like myself, is like death on a platter.
• I got fired. For my blog. Yes, I know technically I was laid off, but the fact remains that a job I was at for less than FOUR MONTHS fired me because I had a blog. And because I said that Slalom Consulting was a stupid name.
• It still is a stupid name. It always will be.
• I was unemployed. It was only a month or so, but still. On a pittance like I earn for a salary, it is hard to really recover from putting all your bills on a credit card.
• This was for the best. Everything happens for a reason and I’m better off. But during this time, it still sucked monkey balls.
• I made some late-night mistakes with my ex-boyfriend. Which still make me sick to my stomach. Mostly my thinking that I thought it would be different this time.
• I got a new job. A job that, for the most part, I really do enjoy. It is something I enjoy doing on a daily basis. And the anal, Virgo part of my brain is satisfied with organizing and the lists and the planning.
• I dyed my hair brown. Pretty close to my natural color. While looking through the archives, I felt a little longing?for my days as a blonde. And then I saw the original photos when I revealed my new do. And realized it just works better.
• But I’ll probably still end up as a blonde one day. I like changing my hair too much.
• I turned 30. And I think this is a good thing.
• Drank a lot of wine.
• I ran an 8k. This from?someone who has never run more than a hot second in her entire life.
• I met an author. And she thinks I’m funny. And mentioned me in her upcoming book. Due out in May 2008. Which should make 2008 awesome based on this fact alone.
• Even though I tend to say really stupid things to her every time I see her. Things like “I can’t believe you want to be my friend.” How is that for self-confidence?
• I got really passionate about my blog. And I was able to tell people I love how much they mean to me through the medium?that is easiest for me to?best express myself.
• And in turn, found a lot of bloggers and am impressed daily by the people I “know” through the blog world and how talented each and every one of you are. And how lucky I am to be connected to a network of such awesome people.
• I even met a few bloggers in person. And managed, I’m sure, to make a complete ass of myself every time. But crazy enough, they all still talk to me and read my blog.
• Discovered the awesomeness that is Gossip Girl. By watching all 12 episodes in a row on a Friday night. So. Worth it.
• Fed my cats. Mostly every day. And sometimes I did pet them.
• Made out with quite a few bad kissers.
• Drank more wine.

Overall, it wasn’t a horrible year. Every year is going to have its ups and downs. But overall, 2007 and I never really meshed. We both went through the motions, but it wasn’t right and we never gelled.

I’m hoping 2008 and I are a lot closer. Because US Weekly says it will be a good year. And who am I to doubt the knowlege that is US Weekly?

Happy New Year to each and every one of you! Thanks for reading! May 2008 be the best year yet!

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, All Things Blogging | 23 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on December 27, 2007

I have absolutely nothing to write about. How did I make it through 30 whole days of November with something to write every day?

Oh, right. Most of it was crap.

Last night, I sat down, turned on the laptop and logged on, ready to write a blog post. And my mind was as blank as the page as I was supposed to write on. I turned to the Writing Fix website. The one that gave me the infamous post where I wrote a conversation between two people that was all questions. Candy loved it. Just ask her.

I thought it could give me a spark. Something to write about. Christmas was over. I am going to marry Nintendo Wii. You can start calling me Mrs. Nintendo Wii any day now. I’m thinking of selling my gift cards and turning?them into cold hard cash to buy said Wii. Or forgoing food altogether. Because you know, I definitely need more excuses NOT to leave the house. My couch would be lonely. And that shred of social life that I have? There’s no need to desperately hang on to it.

The site gave me nothing. I think one of them was about a spice rack. And writing about someone I knew with a spice rack. Yeah. That would be about as interesting as this.

“I once knew a girl named Cindy. She got married. And registered for a spice rack. She doesn’t know what to use mustard seed for. And neither do I. And that’s why I don’t have a spice rack. Because I’m not married. And have a mustard seed prejudice. The end.”

And then there was one about writing about what my cats think. And I thought “I can’t sink any lower than conversations transcribed between my two cats. Who don’t TALK.”

Simba: Where is the human?

Kitty Kitty: What? Who?

Simba: The human. That tall thing that doesn’t have fur. The one that feeds us.

Kitty Kitty: Oh. She doesn’t like it when I eat her papers.

Simba: Why the hell do you do it?then?

KK: It tastes like heaven. And then I puke in her shoes.

S: You’re stupid.

KK: Whatever. She likes me best. See how pretty I am?

S: Anyway, Tangent Kitty, where is she?

KK: Who? Oooh! Look! Something shiny! I’m going to chase it.

WHAM!

S: You’d think you’d learn one of these days. That is your reflection in the mirror. How many times do you have to slam into it head first to realize this? We’ve lived here for almost three years.

KK: (Rubs head with non-opposable thumbs in paw) Ouch! When do we eat? Ooh, what’s that shiny thing?

Wow. That was even worse than I thought. I thought at least part of it would be funny.

Or there was the prompt about the word rabies and what memories that word stirs up. And all I could think of was rabid raccoons. And The Office and Michael’s race to cure rabies because Meredith got bitten by a bat. And when will the writers stop striking? Oh and Lost premieres January 31. But that seems like forever and a day away. And?I don’t want them rescued if Jack’s all crazy. Crazy like man with rabies that he got from a rabid raccoon! Or polar bear.

So yeah, I still have nothing to write about. My tooth feels a lot better. Still sore sometimes after I eat. Like when I forget the PAIN from last week and try to chew croutons and almonds on said sore tooth. (I know you were all wondering how I was doing.)

Work is booooring. No one is there. And sadly, it is a preview of what it is going to be like in a few weeks when there really isn’t anyone working there. Because they’ve all moved away or have been fired. And also, ASU is getting their asses handed to them tonight. We put the S-U in SUCK.

But since I’ve touched on spice racks, rabies and fake cat conversations, I’m going to go ahead and stop the bleeding. Before I write about what my invisible friends would look like and you start to feel the burning in your retinas. Because I care about the health of your eyes. So that you can come back to read. You know, when I decide to write something worth reading.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, All Things Blogging | 17 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on December 26, 2007

So what did y’all do on Christmas? Because this girl (points to self) became an Olympic medalist five times over. Oh, and I also am the new Olympic record holder in rowing. Boo. Yeah.

Overall, pretty good Christmas, if I do say so myself.

My nephew Tommy was lucky enough to get a Wii from Santa and was nice enough to bring it over on Christmas. And Mahnee got him the Mario and Sonic Go to the Olympics?game. And wow, today I learned I can get a little crazy, maybe, and will wrestle a Wii remote out of a damn six-year old’s wet, clammy hands. Because I rule! And won medals! And you can’t even try to touch my invincibility! Even if I followed up a bronze medal in the 110-meter hurdles by running into ever hurdle on the track in the next race. But that is besides the point.

I earned my next two medals in the Trampoline. And by the way, International Olympic Committee? This should SO be a sport. Because watching little cartoon Sonic spin around and jump really high is fan-flipping-tastic. My sister will tell tall tales out of school that I wasn’t so proficient in the trampoline in first trying it. And I may have made quite a few large gestures with my arms and plenty of weird faces. Because sometimes if you twirl the little do-hickey remotey thing enough, Sonic will DO WHAT I SAY.

I did so good in the Trampoline. I even kicked Mario’s ass a few times. And he got really unsportsmanlike and kept yelling out things like “suck my linguini!” and “stick in in your pizza pie hole!” Which really is uncalled for. And very un-Olympic like. And against the spirit of the Games and all that.

But after my first gold medal in the Trampoline, I earned my nephew some more additions to his game. And now, we were able to compete in rowing. (And seriously, Nintendo? My mom paid good money for that game. For that money, I should get the whole kit and kaboodle. I’m just saying. Do not withhold the magic that is Wii rowing.)

I was quite nervous going into my first rowing competition of my life. Because the time to start something new is NOT at the Olympics. It was the longest race ever. And I’m sure I’m going to be sore as hell tomorrow. When I wake up and wonder why it feels like I spent hours on a rowing machine. Because when I play Wii, I’m not sure how to actually do these things without very exaggerated,?over-the-top movements. Which leads to much laughing. And medals. Have I mentioned the medals?

The race was long. And tough. Quite an arduous course. And there were buttons to push to make me go faster. And boy howdy did they work. It pushed me to my second gold medal of the night and a NEW OLYMPIC RECORD! Take that Russians! Who I would assume are good at rowing!

Final medal count for the evening? Two golds, two silver and a bronze. It was a good showing for Kristabellikstan. Especially since this was our first Olympics. We finally raised enough funds. To make the 10-mile drive over to my mother’s house. And matching warm-up suits. For the one member of the team.

Oh, and I got some gift certificates and a few sweaters from Santa. But they won’t ever live up to gold medals. In Mahnee’s Living Room Olympics 2007.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me, Holidaze | 14 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on December 25, 2007

I send Christmas cards. It started after college when we got free Christmas cards at the 49ers. And I figured “man, my family would LOVE to have a card full of football players! And it will cost me nothing!”

Then, back in 2003, while working a game late in the year, Dusty Baker showed up on the sidelines. Not really a weird thing, since Dusty was the manager for the Giants for many years. But after the 2002 season, months after the Giants won the world series, Dusty was hired by the Chicago Cubs to lead them to the promised land.

Enter KJ. Crazed Cubs fan. Enter 49ers team photographer. Who has known Dusty for many years. The end result?

This photo, with a shit-eating grin to end all shit-eating grins, led to maybe the dumbest idea I’ve ever had. “I should make this my Christmas card!”

And so it was.

Next year, in 2004, while out at Cubs game with my co-workers, drinking as many beers as I could get Kirk to buy me at Momo’s, I happened to look over across the bar and saw my most favorite Chicago Cub of all time, Mark Grace. And I flipped out. And thankfully Teri had ONE photo left on her disposable camera. And my second “KJ and sports celebrity” Christmas card was born.

(This was taken after I spilled beer ALL over my hand before I shook his. And before I passed out because I have NEVER been so nervous to meet someone and spontaneously make out with someone all at the same time. And believe me, the fact that his hand is AROUND MY NECK did not go unnoticed. I’m getting all fluttery just thinking about it.)

So then I was screwed in 2005. One, because about a month after I sent this card I got fired. And two, I didn’t run into any celebrities in 2005. So people were stuck with just a photo of me. In front of my new Chicago digs. I think this year I got the worst Christmas card reviews known to man.

In 2006, I was worried. Because people expected things from my cards. They sure as hell didn’t want another picture of me in front of the jungle that is the courtyard of my apartment.

Enter my friend Roger who used to work for the Bears. He asked me to work the Bears final preseason game of the 2006 season. (The one in which they went to the Super Bowl. Don’t for a second think that the two were unrelated.) I agreed because, well, they were playing the Cardinals so I could hang out with some of my buddies in the press box. And then it hit me. Bears preseason games are televised on the local NBC station. And none other than MIKE DITKA does the quite colorful commentary for Bears preseason games.

So my Christmas card was taken care of. And also, I almost passed out again. Because, dudes. It’s MIKE DITKA!

And then this is when it got out of hand. This is when my Christmas card list jumped over 100 people. And people were sending in requests to be added and NEVER TAKEN OFF my list. I felt a bit like Santa. And I have to judge who had been naughty and nice. Because for fuck’s sake, I am not made of money, and this gets expensive. Especially if the USPS keeps raising stamp prices.

I was ready to admit defeat in 2007. But then later in the year, my friend Sasha was coming to town for work. With the guy she works with quite frequently. And his name happens to be Jerry Rice. And right there I KNEW I had my card.

It was a good thing for two reasons. One, Jerry Rice got even more famous when he finished second on Dancing with the Stars. So not only sports people knew who he was. Two, since I knew him from our days with the Niners, it would be completely acceptable to ask him to “pose” in my Christmas card photo.

And of course, since he’s one of the nicest men ever (and quite handsome), he obliged. And so we have this year’s card.

I went overboard with the cheesy text this year.

I would have loved to send one to each and every one of you that read this blog. Because so many of you have been such great friends to me this year, even though most of us have never met in person. But I had to draw the limit at 140 cards. Because obviously you would have wanted to be included on future mailings as well. And this is why my list has gotten out of hand. And I of course love every minute of it. But there is always next year.

So Merry Christmas everyone! From Jerry Rice and yours truly!

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me, Holidaze | 26 Comments »
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