Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on January 16, 2008

Thanks to everyone for heading on over to Le Petit Chicand checking out my guest post. It was fun to do, although I became quite anal because I didn’t get the comments in my inbox like I do here, so I had to constantly refresh the site to see all the hundreds and hundreds of comments. OK, fine, it was like 15. But I’m sure Katie got about 30 hits on her blog today from me. So when she looks at her stats when she gets back from her vacation, she’s going to be all “daaayyum! Kristabella had 575 hits on her guest post!” And she’ll be none the wiser. That they were all from me. And my mom.

So now there is a bit of a letdown because I was focusing all my energy on entertaining other readers and not being overly offensive that I feel like I should just post a bunch of fucking curse words and get some shit accomplished and asshole douchebag bitch shitfuckcraphelldamn.

There. Much better.

I actually have a very busy week starting today. I have dinner plans with a vendor that is coming into town. And on Thursday evening is our work holiday party. Because I think you can get good deals and your choice of dates in January. And this makes the holidays last even longer! And then Saturday night I have a party to go to. With work people.

So my normal nights of sitting on my ass and eating Skinny Cow ice cream sammiches are going to be derailed for the next few days. And so is my diet because these dinners will involve free booze. As will the sales conference next week. So if I don’t put back on all the measly weight I’ve lost recently in the next two weeks, it will be worth celebrating. With a glass of water and a carrot.

In other pressing news, I have to thank Schwerer for her suggestion of the Word document for the blog comments. It seems to have worked out a tad better. It is still a little more work, all that cutting and pasting, but at least I can rest easy knowing that my witty thought at lunch time will not be forgotten. So maybe now this girl can get some sleep. Or maybe not, because I haven’t been working out this week, so I don’t know how this will work when I start back up at the gymnasium and I get home later in the evening. Stay tuned. Because I can tell you are all on pins and needles.

Also, I would like to say that I have reached a new low. I sat and giggled myself into a fit this evening while watching my cat try and clean herself. And no, not her lady bits. She had just eaten some apparently great tasting mush and was cleaning her mouth. Like her tongue was so long she was like licking her entire face over and over. Ear to ear. In a big, wet circle. Very Marmaduke-esque. And I giggled and giggled. And then she moved on to the hair right below her chiny chin chin. Which isn’t easy to get to, even with a tongue the length of a jump rope. And can be quite amusing to watch.

And then I was giggling so hard I passed out. And when I woke up, I really hoped it was a bad dream and that I didn’t waste precious minutes of my life laughing at a cat tongue. Because the only thing worse than that is telling the entire internet about it.

Wow. That wasn’t even remotely funny. I’m going to go ahead and blame it on the fact that they cleaned my vestibule today. With Pine Sol. And apparently nothing else. Not even diluted. Because three floors up, all I can smell is Pine Sol.

And you know what sucks? When you are an out of shape asshole and have to climb three flights of stairs, you get winded. So you want take a deep breath of AIR. Only to be suffocated by the smell of Pine Sol. I think it is a high like no other. I’ve been craving Cheetos since I got home. And I think I just saw a white rabbit jump through a hole in my ceiling.

Finally, is anyone planning on going to BlogHer in San Francisco in July? Because I might need a roommate. And who would NOT want to room with this? Think of your blogging stories about your crazy, drunk roommate from BlogHer 08.

You know you want to.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, All Things Blogging | 25 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on January 15, 2008

Hey, guess what? I got to be a guest blogger. On someone else’s site but my own!

The lovely Katie, over at Le Petit Chic, is on vacation this week. And entrusted five of her fellow bloggers to post while she’s away. I’m already betting I win the award for the most swearing. Although, as it stands, I didn’t crash her site. Which is impressive since I am not TypePad literate. And I already published the post at the wrong time, hitting publish NOW on Monday, when I meant to publish it TUESDAY. Because I couldn’t figure out how to post in the future. Because it is not WordPress. And I don’t much like change. Or adapt well to it.

So go over and read it. I wrote about my experience getting a fake ID in college at the DMV. Because I do nothing if I don’t do it up right.

And then feel free to tell Katie and me how awesome I am. So as she doesn’t regret her decision of letting me post on her site. It’s one thing to offend your own readers. It is a whole other thing to offend other people’s readers.

Go. Read. Comment.

Category: All Things Blogging | 11 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on January 13, 2008

I would like to just say one thing up front. This whole writer’s strike needs to end NOW! You can take away my scripted TV. I can manage. There are plenty of reality shows out there. My DVR is full of them. Which makes makes me fat, full and happy. But when this strike effects award shows? THEN, my friends, you have gone too far. I live for award shows. Especially the Golden Globes. It’s TV and movies! They serve alcohol to celebrities! And expect them to get on stage and give speeches! It is TV gold people. This strike needs to end now. Before I lose the Oscars too.

Ahem. So did you all have a good weekend? I am happy to report that no parties were thrown this weekend. My sisters are quite boring and enjoy a good book, TV and watching movies. It’s a wonder we are related.

It was actually quite a perfect weekend. It was exactly what I needed. For those of you who didn’t get a frantic email from me on Friday, I had a little freak out at work. And it was good to get away from the weekend with NO computer access. It was good to just hang out, do my laundry, get some errands done and have a damn milkshake. Because everything is right in the world when you can spend an afternoon looking through books in three different bookstores and end it with the world’s best vanilla milkshake from Oberweis. All was right.

I was actually glad I agreed to help my stepmom out this weekend. I don’t hang out with my three half-sisters enough. And I lived away from here for so many years, I missed a lot. I enjoyed listening to their days and hearing about finals coming up and all things you think are so important when you’re a teenager. Talk about perspective.

Friday when I got there, we ordered some Chinese food and rented Superbad. Which is still as funny the second time you see it. We sat around and ate together. Which is weird to me since the only people I eat with are co-workers or my cats. And my dinner conversation from my couch with my cats isn’t nearly as entertaining.

Kelsey, the middle one, told us how she went to pick up milk and the gallon was leaking and some smartass kid watched her walk past twice with leaking milk, only to inform her that her “milk jug was leaking” as she walked past them in a low-cut top.

Which she totally didn’t get the shear awesomeness of, until I explained it to her after I got up after falling out of my chair from laughing so hard. Because I am a child. And would have liked to high-fived those kids. Pure. Genius.

Overall it was a nice, relaxing weekend. And I only had to call the cops on them once. Just to show I meant business. But apparently the cops don’t like those kind of calls. And now I have to use a fake name next time I’m in their neighborhood.

And now I’m off to bed. Because I spent too much time with a hungover 19-year old this afternoon. I helped Hungover McWhineyPants go grocery shopping and helped carry her groceries in for her. And I taught her very essential life lessons – greasy food and a fountain Coke will cure any hangover.

Clearly, she’s only half-related to me or she would have already known that. And she would have known how to handle her liquor like a Johnson.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, All in the Family | 18 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on January 10, 2008

I have not gone to bed this week before midnight. I’m not horribly tired, as I’ve been working out and the rumors you have heard are true – exercising does give you a bit of energy. So while I may be getting less sleep, I’m sleeping better and I have more energy throughout the day.

That could be from the six cups of coffee. But I’m sticking with the working out.

Part of the reason I am up so late is that I am spending loads of time on the computer. While it is true that I get home later because of my additional stop at the gymnasium on the way home, it doesn’t completely account for the late bed time.

What is accounting for the late bed time is that I spend more time reading and commenting on blogs because for a majority of your blogs, I am blocked from commenting on them during business hours. I know why they do it. I think. Viruses and what not. I’m paid to work, not surf the internet. I just think it is weird that I can read the blog, I just can’t comment on them. What is it about the comments that pose such a threat? And this all mysteriously happened right around our Black Friday. (And apparently I was bitching about it back then too. I need some new material.)

But because I read like 945 blogs, there is a lot to read throughout the day. And I can read most of them in Google Reader. But then I want to comment. Hello? I always have something to say. So I’ve starting starring the ones I want to go back to, so I remember. Although, odds are my comment isn’t the same as what it would have been at 9 AM. Depending on how much wine I’ve had that evening, it probably went from being something quite poignant to something more like the authentication word on Blogger posts (i.e. cnkodvndsk). 

But even going back to re-read and comment takes a good chunk of time. Between writing my blog post at night and then reading and commenting, it is hard for me to get to bed at a decent hour. I’ve thought about blowing off commenting altogether, but I don’t want to do that. I like to comment. I mean, have you heard? I have a lot to say! And must share my opinion with all. I have assvice coming out my pores!

I’ve tried to come up with some alternatives. I’ve thought about composing my blog at work in Word. But to be quite honest, I feel my most creative in the later afternoon/evening. So late afternoon doesn’t leave much time to write at work. Between the bathroom breaks from the three gallons of water I drank throughout the day, and the mad dash to the door at 5:00:01. And people like expecting me to do actual work. Like during regular business hours. The nerve!

I have another computer at work. It isn’t hooked up to the network. I can access blogs and what not and comment my little heart out on that computer. Problem is, there are only few occasions when I should ever be on that machine. It has Quark, so unless I’m doing some sort of design or layout project, I have no real need to be on that computer. Unless I’m doing something that isn’t work related. And since the monitor is about 27 inches, the blind janitor can see from clear across the office that I’m obviously not doing actual work.

I’m also debating maybe writing a few posts on the weekends. I mean, most weekends I can’t even be bothered to shower, but would it kill me to put a few things down? I don’t have to write a whole post, but getting ideas down and a little direction might help matters. It might help those evenings when I spend 45 minutes staring at a blank, white screen, expecting it to either magically write something for me, or at least do party tricks so I can be entertained. And clap like a trained seal.

So I reach out to you, dear readers. Do any of you have these issues with commenting? Or just lack of time to get it all done in a day?

Please, for the sake of all that is good and holy, give me some ideas. Besides get the fuck over yourself woman! Or work out in the morning. Because I can tell you, that WILL NOT happen. You will have to do better, my friends.

Category: All Things Blogging | 24 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on January 9, 2008

So I was driving home this evening. Actually I was driving to the gym, but I figured you GOT IT that I’m working out again and didn’t want to drive that point home again. Although, I like to keep it real, yo, and really, I was driving to the gymnasium.

Anyway, I was listening to one of the local radio stations. One station in Chicago, B96, has this kick ass DJ on from 5-6 PM during the week and it is pretty much commercial free. I am not a huge fan of this station, but I love me some DJ Flipside and The Flipside at 5 Mix. I prefer music on my drive home. I don’t like to hear whiney people calling into the radio station in the evenings. I deal with enough whiney people at work.

So they announce that the have this BREAKING news story that involves some local media person in the Chicago area. And we have to stay tuned to hear it. Well, that sounds good to me. Since I’ll be in the car ANYWAY.

After 20 minutes of dragging this shit out, they announce that Radio Boy, a local radio personality at B96’s main rival, KISS FM, was arrested for allegedly soliciting a 13-year old boy.

My mouth hit the floor. I was shocked. I couldn’t believe that a local media person would be stupid enough to allegedly do something like this and even stupider to get caught. And he got caught a la Chris Hansen To-Catch-A-Predator style to boot.

Now before I go on, I want to set one thing straight. I think there are very few things in this world that are worse than pedophilia. People who engage in it are sick, sick human beings and deserve every single ass raping they get while in prison. It disgusts me. Preying on unsuspecting, INNOCENT CHILDREN. It is beyond me how someone can do that.

Clearly the people who do engage in this behavior have some very serious mental issues. Very, very serious. And they all should get some mental help in addition to the ass rapings. Because only seriously disturbed human beings can engage in this kind of stomach-churning behavior.

To me, what is just as disgusting as that, is how this radio station, B96, handled this story. I understand that it is evening drive time, the second largest audience for a radio station next to morning drive. I was a broadcasting major. I know all about ratings and ads and how it all works and what stations do to pull listeners in for ratings.

I understand why they reported it. It was a fellow radio personality that was busted. And busted for a very lewd act. It’s sensationalism at its best. People like to hear these kinds of stories, whether they admit it or if they deny it. And you have a very captive audience of radio listeners stuck in rush hour traffic. It couldn’t have been a more opportune time.

These two rival stations play the exact same music. Exact same. They both claim to have played the current new releases first, way before the other. They are catering to the exact same demographics. They need hooks, gimmicks and/or radio personalities to pull a listener from one station to the other. Because it isn’t going to be about the music. I can’t tell you how many times these two stations are playing the exact same crappy song at the exact same time.

I would have been fine if they announced this story and even opened a discussion on the whole topic of pedophilia and how sick and disgusting it is. Shit like that sells ad revenue.

Where I got disgusted was when they started assuming that this sick radio personality and the station he works worked for are one in the same. That everyone at KISS FM is pedophiles. And that KISS FM encourages pedophilia and seeks out hiring pedophiles.

This is where I got livid. This horrible thing that this young man allegedly did in NO way goes to speak about an entire radio station. And I was sick to my stomach to think that here these two idiot DJs* were, talking about how they were the better station because they didn’t have any pedophiles on staff. Basically starting a smear campaign against KISS FM to lure listeners over because of an unrelated incident that had nothing to do with the station and their employees. Period. And not only was it unrelated, it was accusatory of something really heinous to a whole hell of a lot of people that work at KISS FM.

And because I was in the car, sitting at a light, about ready to shove my had through a window at these horrible tactics to get ratings, I sent a text to the station. I told them that I thought it was sad that they were using a story like this to promote their station. And I said it was pathetic.

If any of you are losers like me and have texted a radio station before, whether to try to win something or to state an opinion when phone lines are full or you are just too lazy to call and waste your minutes, you know that they usually send back some automated text. Either about what number texter you are and you haven’t won or to thank you for the message.

If there was ever one second when I regretted sending that silly text to two idiot DJs at a crappy radio station, it was gone in a hot second when I received their reply back:

“Thanks 4 listening to B96…the NON-PEDOPHILE radio station in Chicago (unlike KISS) WOW…some people are SOOOO sick!!!!! B96 4ever!!!”

I about threw my damn phone out the window. To sit there and say how sick this is and “how could someone do something like that?” and to turn around and use something as horrible as this for your own good? It sickens me to think that ratings are that important.

I realize it is the society we live in. That we are drawn to the train wrecks and can’t turn away. Because that stuff sells magazines and ads. And money makes the world go round.

I also realize that this is no different than gluing myself to the TV and computer when Britney has her latest meltdown. But in that case, I’m just using her missteps as innocent entertainment. Because my life is so boring. I don’t turn around and use her wrongdoings as accusatory claims against all young women. Or all women that live in Malibu. Or all mothers.

There is a line, and to me, these morons crossed it.

I’m going to try and not listen to listen to those DJs in the evenings, and try to boycott the station altogether. I can’t promise anything since I have the attention span of a gnat and hate commercials, so I like to flip.

But I live in the third largest media market in the country. There are plenty of other stations I can listen to. That I would hope would not stoop this low.

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*The DJs are Stylz and Roman. I went to high school with Justin Roman. He even came to our 10-year reunion and was treated like a nobody, which was totally awesome to witness. He’s as douchey now as he was then. And apparently was an unsuccessful recording “artist” or something

Category: Rants & Rants | 19 Comments »
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