Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on April 16, 2008

First off, I would like to say that I have moved over to Gmail. And if you’ve commented here recently, you know that. And I have to say that I can be amused ALL DAY with the ads that come up on the side of messages. I’ve now got a complex that I have very sweaty palms, excessive underarm sweat and stubborn belly fat.

But it can be helpful, like recommending free WordPress themes to me, or letting me know there is a WHOLE website dedicated to the chick with the hiccups on this season of The Bachelor. Did you know there was a Team Meeps? Thank you Google-san. For searching into the recesses of my brain to find appropriate ads. Minus all the sweating. That ISN’T a problem.

So speaking of blogging. What? We weren’t talking about blogging? Well, it is late and I’m tired and not able to segue from underarm sweat to blogging. OK? OK then.

People, what is up with some of the crazy politics and insane site traffic whoring that is going on in the blogging world? Now maybe I am naive because I started this site because I do honestly love to write and make people laugh. And yes, I do appreciate that more people read it now than in the beginning when it was my mom and a friend or two. I am an attention-seeking famewhore, so I love for people to find my blog and tell me that I’m SO funny and HOW DID THEY LIVE THEIR LIVES WITHOUT MY DAILY POSTS? You know how they lived it? Sheltered. And bored. And without laughter. That’s how.

But I don’t really go fucking crazy about trying to get traffic. Yes, I comment on my fair share of blogs. But my blog list is big enough that I really only read the blogs that I enjoy. I have no time or patience to find EVERY BLOG EVER CREATED and leave a comment on it. It’s not worth it. And let me tell you, there are A LOT of poorly written blogs out there.

And I do know that to get traffic, you need to comment. Plenty of my blogging friends found me through other sites and vice versa. But I never comment just to comment and be all “nice post!” I try and leave something witty and thought-provoking. Something more along the lines of “that was fucking awesome! ZOMG! Cute photos!” I’m deep. Don’t hate.

Then there is the whole blogroll issue. I bring this up because I read something today where there was some sort of battle about getting added or not and not being on someone’s blogroll or some high school bullshit. And then my new BFF Jodifur, we of the Carly Is A Plant group, or CIAP (see-app) as it is known among its two members (just right now since I just made it up), sent me an email yesterday telling me she added me to her blogroll. And I was all SWEET! And then she mentioned she would have done it sooner had she know I linked to her.

I’m stoked to be on the blogroll of an honest-to-goodness MamaPop Betch. But I don’t comment or link to her because I want to be on her blogroll. I like her blog. So I link because I read. Therefore I think you should too.

I know people look to blogrolls as a place to start for blogs to read. I found a lot of my first blogs that way through Jen’s and Amalah’s blogs. (And now I’m on Jen’s. The head. It explodes.) But I just updated my blogroll when I moved over to the new site. Prior to that it probably hadn’t been updated in a good eight months. It is a pain in the ass! So it wasn’t a good measure of the blogs I read. And I comment and email with people so I figure that it is good enough. Why are people living to be linked on a blogroll? Why does it matter?

So am I just in the minority here? Is all this over-the-top blog attention seeking a little out of control? Is it really worth it to Stumble everything so that you get thousands of readers? Because really, odds are it isn’t really going to affect your stats for more than a day. Because unless you leave them with a great impression and a reason to come back, i.e. good writing, funny stories, great photos, etc., then they’re just going to blow right by it and move on to the next thing.

There are millions of blogs out there. And one person is going to like something different than the next person. So yeah, stats and comments are great, but you can’t reach everyone. Because if we all liked the same things, we’d all be a bunch of robots reading about Dooce and her dogs and all her free shit every day and wanting to shoot ourselves in the face.

Shouldn’t it be more about the writing and the sharing and the community than who gets the most traffic and comments? Because really, wouldn’t your email blow up after comment 250? Now think of THOSE Google ads.

***Editor’s Note***

I’m not judging anyone who may do any of these things. To each his own. It’s a free country and all that. This is just my opinion. And a general wondering on my part.

Category: All Things Blogging | 31 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on April 15, 2008

I’ve hit that point where I have nothing to write about it. And not only is there nothing in my brain to write about, my brain has rebelled and completely checked out and just wants to go to bed at a decent hour and not spend two hours looking at a blank white computer screen trying to think of some witty story to share with the interweb.

And in addition, things have gotten busier at work and I haven’t had the time to formulate posts in my head or jot down notes.

On top of that, I’m fucking tired. Like I wake up feeling like someone slipped me something in my milk and it hasn’t worn off. It’s like a chore to pry my eyelids open in the morning to physically get out of bed. It’s way different than the “I would prefer a job that paid me to sleep all day” feeling that I have on normal mornings when I roll out of bed. And I’m worried I might be getting sick. Or maybe I’m just sick and tired of working and the weather and life in general.

And then there is the issue of Crunch Fitness and their fucking stupid cancellation policy. I had to pay an extra month because I cancelled the day AFTER my billing day and they have a 30-day cancellation policy and when they bill you they can only bill you for an ENTIRE MONTH. So now I’m paying for a gym that I can’t use because it is cancelled, yet I still paid. What the hell? I mean, I don’t go to the gym anyway, but at least I was thinking I was going and NOT paying. And don’t you worry, I gave them hell in my emails to them, dropping such eloquent words like insane and BS and asinine. The classy, I has it.

Or there’s my dentist who charged me a late fee on some charges that were 90 days past due. But guess what? I never got a bill! How am I supposed to just pay you when you don’t tell me I owe anything? I can’t wait to throw out another asinine on those bitches. It’s like swearing, but not.

Or my blog theme, which apparently doesn’t play nice in the sandbox with Internet Explorer’s older versions (my theory), bringing up a big white space and making people scroll down to see the most current post. Or not scroll down at all because they think that my posts lately all seem to be a big white box. Hello blog readers! I’m down here!

That plus I really wanted to actually lose some weight before I go to Vegas next weekend. Because warm weather means I can’t hide the fat under bulky sweaters anymore. And don’t get me started on the whole “pool” thing and the idea of putting my pastey, fat, dimpled ass into a bathing suit. And yet, while I’ve tried to eat better in the last few weeks, I have not gone to work out AT ALL. So I have no one to blame but myself, but I try to find others. Like Hilary Clinton or Charles Barkley or Chuck E. Cheese.

But at least I have a date with a Cubs rooftop on Saturday afternoon, which includes all I can drink and eat and DRINK for a few hours. Which I realize isn’t on the diet. But should bring me out of my funk. Because nothing makes me happier than baseball, brats and beer. Well, mostly the beer.

Until then, I’m going to cook up some turkey bacon and taunt Bacon with it.

Yeah. It’s definitely the fucking mouse’s fault.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, All Things Blogging, Rants & Rants | 18 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on April 14, 2008

In true Jen Lancaster style:

Scene: My living room couch on Friday night, hanging out with my mother. She was over because we had to get up at zero-dark-thirty to go straight to Hell Chuck E. Cheese Saturday morning. We were watching The Wedding Singer on ABC Family, enjoying some pizza and beer/wine. On comes a commercial for Father of the Bride II, which was airing this weekend.

Me: Oh, hahaha, I need to remember to tell that story on my blog…hahahaha. You know which one I’m talking about? (insert incessant cackling from the mere thought of the story)

Mom: Yeah. I know the one. With the shirt?

Me: Hahahahaha. YES! Hahahaha! It is so funny! I HAVE to tell my blog readers.

Mom: It’s not that funny.

Me: Shut up woman. Drink you beer and sit there quietly. It IS funny.

~~~~~~~~~~~

So I love free things. Especially if they fill a need. For instance, one time during my freshman year in college during an ASU basketball game, I won free wings and a large Coke. It was the Cluck U “Scream For Your Wings” contest.

I actually only wanted the Coke and had no money on me because I had just finished working part of the game for my job as an usher. I saw the Coke, saw what I had to do it, and went about “screaming for my wings.” I won. Got the Coke and gave the wings to my friends and enjoyed the rest of the game properly hydrated.

In addition to loving free things, I also love drawing attention to myself. I am an attention-seeking famewhore most days, particularly when I was younger when I was without a care in the world.

On campus at Arizona State, we were constantly bombarded with free passes to movie screenings. Because apparently movie makers like to hear what drunk students on college campuses have to think.

So one year we were offered tickets to Father of the Bride II. You know, the one about the pregnancies. So we got to the theatre, found our seats and listened to the little spiel from Movie Guy. And then he asks if there are any pregnant women in the audience. A few noticeably pregnant women stand up. And Movie Guy is giving them free T-shirts!

Me: Shit! I want a free shirt!

Amber and her sister Amy: *crouching in seats pretending not to know me* No. Please don’t.

Well, there was no talking me out of it. I stood up, took my free shirt and sat my ass down. I have no shame. And as a bigger girl, I had more of a claim to being pregnant than the stick figure of a woman who decided to stand up and get a free shirt too. I told this fact to EVERYONE around me. “I look more pregnant than that anorexic chick! Take her shirt away! I could be pregnant!”

Anyway, the movie was good and I held on to that shirt for years.

Nowadays I usually only tend to make an ass out of myself like that when free alcohol is involved.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me | 22 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on April 13, 2008

This weekend was the big celebration of my nephew’s sixth birthday. Which means it was a typical kid’s party and was held at none other than Chuck E. Cheese.

I was actually looking forward to it earlier in the week. I figured I could brush up on my Skee-Ball skills and hope to fulfill my lifelong dream of joining the National Skee-Ball League and touring all over the country at carnivals, amusement parks and Chuck E. Cheeses everywhere. In addition, for my efforts, I figured I could get enough tickets for a kazoo or a nice bouncy ball.

What I forgot is that I hate Chuck E. Cheese. It is loud and flashy and I don’t really enjoy being in the same room with 1700 kids hopped on sugar and GAMES! Plus, it was like an hour and a half from my house and the party started at 10 AM. So by the time I arrived at Chuck’s place, my enthusiasm was GONE. I think it landed in one of the potholes on the expressway.

My mom, who was being the good grandma, was not excited ever. And laughed and taunted my unbridled enthusiasm. Because she KNEW, one foot in the door, I was going to be hating life and wishing I would have come down with the Death Flu. She was right.

Here is what I learned from my outing at Chuck E. Cheese that went on an hour PAST what the invite said and three hours TOO LONG ALTOGETHER:

• Nothing will make you want kids less than an outing at Chuck E. Cheese on a Saturday.
• My uterus actually grew legs and escaped the confinement of my pants and ran screaming for the door because it was all “you want me to grow and house one of those? Oh hell to the no!”
• 12 and 13 year olds think I’m awesome. I’m like the cool, young Auntie that lives a fabulous life in the city! Little do they know my fabulous life involves drinking wine out of a box and sometimes showering.
• But still! They think I’m cool!
• I really have been hanging out with the wrong people.
• Part of the reason that I was Krabby Kristabella on Saturday was because I SUCK at Skee-Ball and because when I get my ass up before 10 on the weekends to drive 60 miles ONE WAY, I expect to spend some quality time with my brother, sister-in-law and my niece and nephew. I don’t really care to spend my Saturday with my sister-in-law’s parents, the neighbors and a lot of LOUD CHILDREN.
• ESPECIALLY when I’m not drinking and/or drunk.
• I also think I might be getting a little used to my little internet world and spending all this time on the computer because all I kept thinking while I was stabbing a fork in my eye because I was at Chuck’s place too long was that I’d rather be catching up on blogs.
• And I’m not sure I actually feel like there is anything wrong with that.
• Although there is cake at Chuck E. Cheese.

But it was worth it to see one of my favorite people in the world. Who didn’t tell me to “GO AWAY!” this time when I wanted to play with her. And by play, I mean tease and chase and tickle.

Hey Auntie! Do you like see-food? Bwahahahaha!

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, All in the Family | 20 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on April 10, 2008

So this morning was the second and FINAL part of The Great Root Canal Adventure of 2008. And I’m happy to tell you that I’m doing fine. And I am glad that it seems to be all over. And that I hope to never see that Dentist McDouchebag ever again IN MY LIFE.

I went in this morning and he finished it up. And in typical Douchey fashion, he pissed me off about a second after my ass was in the seat.

Dentist (Comes in all fat and surly and accenty): How’s the tooth?

Me: Fine. I’m still having sensitivity though.

Dentist: Well it’s not on THAT tooth. It must be on another tooth that I DIDN’T FIX.

ME: *rolls eyes so far back into head that I think I saw my cerebellum*

What I wanted to say was “Right. Because you know how MY MOUTH feels. And clearly I’m full of shit and it isn’t sensitive. I just like attention. AND PAIN. You figured me out asshole!”

And then, to top it all off in Land of Bizarro, the jackass starts shooting the shit with me about the weather like WE’RE BEST FRIENDS!

It took everything I had in me to not mouth off to him. But he hadn’t given me Novocaine yet and I was panicked that he would decide that the root canal was being done Novocaine-free today! At no extra charge!

He finally got to work and got it all finished. He said that had he not done that whole solutiony/medicationey thing two weeks ago, that it would have taken him hours today (HOURS) to finish. And then I cackled like a crazy person because I couldn’t even fathom the thought of having to deal with that asshat for HOURS more than were needed. And the cackling was all I could do from keeping my head from EXPLODING from the thought.

So yeah. All done. But the sensitivity is still there so maybe, just maybe, he was right and it wasn’t the root canal tooth that was sensitive last week. But I will never tell him this. EVER.

~~~~~~~~~~

In other news, I think I might be divorcing Yahoo. Their email system has been acting up. And maybe it is just for me, but regardless, I need my emails in a timely manner. Like the day they are sent to me. This afternoon I had a flood of emails in my inbox. Some were timestamped from this morning, others were stamped from MONDAY. That is unacceptable. What if they had been crucial? I mean, more crucial than blog comments? (If there is such a thing.) What if my livelihood depended on these emails? What then Yahoo!? WHAT THEN?

So I think I’m going to finally make the full switch to Gmail. We’ll see how it goes. I’d like to blame it on work and them wanting me to do ACTUAL work and not email my blog friends all day, but it happens when I’m at home too. So that shoots my theory to hell.

~~~~~~~~~~

In other comedic news, AlcoholRehab is now following me on Twitter. I don’t even know what to say to that besides NO, NO, NO!

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, All Things Blogging, Dental DAMN | 18 Comments »
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