Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on September 19, 2008

Because I’m always willing to whore myself out, clearly. This is two in one week!

Go read here. Melissa at Hope Floats asked me to help her out, since she’s enjoying the sand and sun in Cancun and I am JEALOUS.

I’m cross-posting it here because I know how lazy you all are about clicking over.

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I always feel the need to go into a long introduction when I’m writing a guest blog post. Because I can’t be totally self-involved and assume that everyone knows who I am. I mean, everyone should know who I am, but I’m still working on that. Plus, people reading here, not on my site, want to know who the hell this person is who is guest posting. 

Well, I’m Kristabella and I write here. And I live in Chicago, am single, have two cats and like to drink copious amounts of booze. And then make myself feel smart by using words like copious in a guest blog. 

Anyway, when Melissa asked me to write up a guest post, I went though a lot of topics to blog about. That list consisted of ZERO options. Because I never know what to write about and all I’m talking about on my site these days is all about how I’m unemployed and I cry a lot. (It’s good stuff! Come check it out!) 

So I figured what could be better than sharing a very embarrassing story with all you lovely readers? Nothing, I say. NOTHING! 

Did you guys used to read YM when you were younger? I did. I didn’t have a subscription because I was poor, but sometimes my mom would buy us a copy at the grocery store if we annoyed her enough and if we promised to help her put the groceries away. 

I’m not sure why I ever read that magazine. I was a total tomboy. I never wore makeup or blow dried my hair or went to prom or homecoming. (Yes, I was a loser.) 

Wait, actually I do know why I read it. For that one page in the front of the magazine, just a few pages after the Table of Contents. Say Anything. The page that was full of embarrassing stories from other teens. Things that are only embarrassing to teens and tweens. You know, the ones where girls talk about getting caught making out with their boyfriends or their tampon string hanging out of their bathing suits at the beach in front of her crush? Oh, how embarrassing! 

My favorites were the ones that you knew could happen. The ones where it was some girl’s time of the month and she had a leak! Oh, the humanity! Don’t every wear white pants during your time! Always have back-up protection, like a sweater to tie around your waist! I mean, that was (and is) a very real possibility for chicks! I could feel their embarrassment through the page! 

I’m here to tell you I had my own “Say Anything” moment. A year ago. Note, I’m in my 30s. 

I was at work last August during a sales conference. Aunt Flow was in town and I knew it and was prepared. But it was a busy day and I was in charge of all the logistics. We had a morning session at the office, lunch and then tours all afternoon. I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get everything in order. On top of it, I was hungover, didn’t drink enough water during the morning so I was dehydrated. (Do you see where this is going?) 

So after lunch, we leave for the tours. The whole time I’m thinking it is about time to shove some more cotton up my cooch. But there isn’t a bathroom close and we are on a strict schedule. I figure I’m OK since I’ve already got a tampon in and it hasn’t been that long. Oh boy, was I mistaken. 

After the tours, we head back to the office. I head to the bathroom to take care of business and I see that not only did I bleed right though the tampon, I went right through MY PANTS! And not like a little drop, I’m talking a “spot” the size of Lake Superior! Thankfully it all stayed in the crotch area and didn’t leak to my ass otherwise I would have been HORRIFIED! (Who am I kidding, I AM STILL HORRIFIED!) 

At this point the sales reps had headed back to the hotel. And thankfully, I had a jacket that I promptly tied around my waist and high-tailed it out of there to go THROW MY PANTS AWAY! 

I’m still not sure if anyone noticed. And if they did, they didn’t tell me. They just pointed and laughed at me behind my back. And I lost all credibility. Maybe it is a good thing I don’t work there anymore. 

So 15 years after reading, and laughing, at all those idiot teenagers in YM’s Say Anything, karma bitch-slapped me in the face and showed me exactly what embarrassing is.

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