Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on January 30, 2007

This title has nothing to do with anything. I just watched this Eddie Izzard clip over on MamaPop and it made me think of that skit. If you haven’t seen Eddie Izzard, go out and rent his DVDs. Or look for his specials on BBC America. You have to watch a few times or put the subtitles on because he’s British and has marbles in his mouth. But he’s butt-ass funny. (That’s like saying butt-butt funny. Or I’m a tall-tall giant.) Some people don’t much care for him, but I laugh out loud. But then again, I laugh out loud when I type my posts. So don’t use me as a guide. Unless you think I’m funny, then be sure to tell all your friends and, most importantly, ME!

So a friend today e-mailed me and was asking me if I was itchin’ to get home to blog my fingers off. And I thought “Fuck! What the hell am I going to blog about tonight?” So I mentally went through my day. Which consisted of:

• Stupidly going to a new Dunkin Donuts because it’s closer and ending up with bitter-ass coffee. Not a way to start off a morning when you’ve just walked to work in MINUS 17 GAZILLION wind chill. For those of you who have never experienced wind chill, you’re lucky. Notice I didn’t say “winter.” You people who have been in “snow” don’t know what it is like until the wind rips your face RIGHT OFF!
• Not doing a lot today because I was the only one in the office for part of the day. And apparently part of my job is sitting around waiting for my client to push a little button online so we could get some damn money to our consultants.
• (I swear, I’m in a good mood. And was all day. I don’t know where this is coming from.)
• Oh, yeah I do. Gilmore Girls sucks ass! And I hear there is talk of another season? Why? Whyyyyyyyy?
• Chipotle for lunch. Bar-Ba-Co-Ah.
• Looking for a new cell phone. Trying to decide between Chocolate or MotoKrzr. And then going to the Verizon store to just push buttons. To see how easy it is to text. Krzr it is! (Plus, it’s free and Chocolate is $29.99.) (And it sounds like Krazy. Which I am.)
• Commenting on my own post three times. Three times! That’s a little insane. And reeks of boredom.

So after I thought about how boring of a day I had and how fucking stupid I’d be to actually write about it, I thought I’d take a page from Scarlet’s book and write about horoscopes. Or as my dad used to say, the horror-scopes. Obviously, I get my sense of humor from my mother. (Insert me rolling eyes.)

Here are a few samplings for today. (I’m a Virgo. My birthday’s September 14. Buy me presents.)

You’ll start the day with a lot of energy, but you’ll get even more from your friends.

Translation? Well, since my coffee sucked, my friends didn’t really have to work for it, did they?

Here’s my daily single’s forecast:

You may want to be alone, but chances are you’ll just mope or stew. (Who’s mope? I know a Stew.) Take a book and go to a cafe, or meet up with friends – the stars say getting out and about and being around people energizes you now.

Translation? Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck fuck! FUUUUCK! Should read horoscope at BEGINNING of day. This does me no good now. Since I’m in my PJs. And have rubbed my eyes, which means I now look like a raccoon. Oh and this morning I started the day jammed into a red line train with 9,154 other people. And I felt no energy. Fuck you horoscope. And who wants energy? I want love. And money. And booze. In no particular order.

And finally:

Focus on love and beauty in your personal relationships. Now’s a great time to achieve emotional balance and lay the foundations of long-lasting harmony. You can do it easily with the current celestial influence’s help.

Translation? Um, no idea how to even relate this to my day today. Except I love Schwerer for giving me her advice on her phone. And emotional balance and long-lasting harmony? I’m so on it. Later.

And by the way, I read tomorrow’s and it said I’m going to get run over by a hot, tall guy driving a Miller Lite truck, which will severely injure me, for which I’ll sue for millions.

(That’s one of those times I laughed out loud at myself.)

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Posted By Kristabella on January 29, 2007

A few side notes before we begin, children. My Dunkin Donuts ladies have been transferred! No more knowing my order when I walk in. (insert sad, pouty face.) I now have to forge new coffee-related friendships with the new people. Who offered me coupons today. Coupons AND coffee? Bestill my heart. MCP Bitches! (It totally isn’t related, but totally makes me laugh now!)

Two, I am not to be selling anything. Anything! I cleared it up with the people in my office. They weren’t sure why I went to the sales training either. (Yet let me go and waste time.) But I will not be selling.

On with the show!

I’ve always been an independent person. To be honest, I think a lot of it stems from having my parents divorced at a very young age. And mom going back to work. And becoming a latch-key kid. With pretty needy siblings. And basically having to learn to essentially fend for myself a lot of the times. It’s a reality that a lot of people face. And as the saying goes, what doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger. I really believe that. And I believe that growing up like I did really made me who I am today. Which, if I do say so myself, is that I’m freakin’ awesome! Bitches.

But part of my independence and my growing up a huge tomboy is that I’ve always thought that chivalry is lame. And should be dead. Chivalry, schmivalry.

Let me preface. I thought like this when I was younger. Back before I knew better. Back when my stubbornness ruled over ALL! Like when I was in college. I think this was about the time guys got the whole chivalry thing and how it could totally help them get laid. (Hmmm…maybe that explains my resistance.)

Back in college, my friend Paul (who I heard just became a dad, so a big congrats to him.) (Even though he doesn’t read this. And I haven’t talked to him in years. But I need more readers if this is ever going to support my crack Starburst habit. Whorin’ myself out. For the greater good. Of candy.) He used to get so mad because every time we went somewhere, I wouldn’t let anyone open doors for me. To be honest, most of the time, I didn’t even notice that I was doing it. It was just part of my tough facade that I refused to let anyone do anything for me. I am woman hear me roar and all that blippity blap. (No idea. Blippity blap? Seriously?)

As I got older, I changed my stance. I think it was when I started working in the real world. It might have been around the time I started at the Niners. Right around the time I started hanging out with adults. Like around the time I went to a work event and Jerry Rice (yes, Dancing With the Stars Jerry Rice) kissed me on the cheek when he said hello. I think, think that it was around this time. I can’t really pin it down to a specific moment, or any shit like that. But I realized AT THAT MOMENT that it made me feel like such a lady to have a guy do that. Or open the door for you. It might have been because he was famous, though.

(So for all of you who don’t agree with chivalry, just go out and have Jerry Rice kiss you on the cheek. That’d be a better infomercial than the one he does for Tiger Balm.)

I finally realized, at that point, when I was all growed up (OK, not totally growed up. I still watch cartoons. And like candy. And bunnies.) (Which I didn’t realize until Ben-Henry-Gale-Pick-a-Fucking-Name-Dude pretended to kill one on Lost.) I realized that it’s not losing your independence to let a man, or a woman for that matter, open a door for you. Or any other “chivalrous” act. It’s letting someone do something nice for you. And there ain’t nothing wrong with that. We should all be more nice. There will be fewer murders. And more bunnies. (Take that, Ben Gay-le.) (HA!)

On the flipside of my new-found acceptance to chivalry, I have begun to accept it. And expect it. Especially around people older than me. Because, seriously? I’m almost 30. People older than me should know better.

So last week in Seattle, I was really noticing it. Probably because again, in work, I’m always around dudes. (I swear, I don’t always plan it that way. But it’s not always a bad thing.) There were guys of all ages – older, younger. (Why I felt the need to expand on what I meant by all ages, I have no idea. Apparently I’m not sure you all are smart. And that you would realize that all ages would be older and younger. Jesus, I’m an asshole.) I would have to say that pretty much 99% of the time, all the guys were very nice. I even tried once to open a door for a guy from SF and he got mad. (See, part of me still can’t totally accept it.) But we had car trips, plane rides, doors to go in, elevators to board. So it was easy to notice. And really, it was easy to notice because one person always stood out as to the only non-chivalrous guy in the bunch. (I mean, even the smelly guy who drove the van held his hand out to the ladies when they got out.)

There was this one guy in Seattle. We spent all week around him, including two straight 9-hour days, where we went from room to room, floor to floor, building to building and even in his car. (Anyone else think that could possibly be read as kinda dirty?) He never opened a door for anyone, let alone the only female in the group. When we went to go into elevators, he went in first. Every time. I was with four other men besides him, one four years younger than me, and they all always waited until I got in to then board the elevator. And I have a huge ass. And not in a good way. No one’s letting me board first to glimpse that.

It really doesn’t matter to me that much. (Which is obviously why I’m writing a post about it.) Like I said, I try and open doors for other people, including dudes. It’s just a nice thing to do. But I found his behavior odd. Maybe it was the few times he full-on hip checked me to get into the elevator first. Or maybe he should be a tad more considerate. Especially when the client he’s trying to schmooze may be a woman.

I know this is a topic that people have their own specific feelings on. I think everyone knows where they stand on this whole chivalry thing. So what’s your stance? Give me your opinions. Leave comments. Comments = Starburst. For me. Not you.

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Posted By Kristabella on January 28, 2007

Sorry for the absence of posts. But like I’ve mentioned before, no one reads on the weekends. Seriously. I have stats and crap to back me up on that. Or maybe it’s because my blog sucks. Either way, I make less of an effort on the weekends.

So I had a post started on Thursday, after my last day of training and meetings in Seattle. I started writing it, but then left for dinner with a co-worker. And I didn’t make it back up to the room until after 2. So, no posting. (And looking back on what I wrote, you’re really not missing much. It’s all “blah, blah, hate sales. Blah, blah, Tom Brokaw. Blah, blah, NO MORE ROLE PLAYING!”)

I think Thursday night was the best night in Seattle. Yes, the karoke was awesome. And the plane trip. But Thursday I got to see Rich again and hang out with Amber, who I haven’t seen for awhile. (And who is an avid reader of my blog. Which means, I like her even more, if possible.) Amber is my former roommate from freshman year at ASU. (Oh, and sophomore year in the Sun River days.) So it’s crazy to think we’ve been friends for over 10 years. And we were just randomly thrown together by some sort of scientific system (I’m sure) that ASU uses to pick roommates. So kudos to you, Arizona State! We were way better off than others on our floor.

Thursday, we just sat around and drank in the hotel “lounge” and then headed off to Belltown. Very low-key evening. Which is all good on your fifth straight night of drinking. FIFTH! For the beginning of the evening, it was just me and Co-Worker. We were having some expensive wine (which we didn’t know at the time) chit-chatting about the week, Tom Brokaw, etc. We happened on the subject of blogs (mostly because we were talking about Rex Grossman, The Sex Cannon, from this blog, which likes Sexy Rexy less than I do. If possible.) And I just sat there, talking about having friends with blogs, yada, yada, yada. About 45 minutes into our wine experience in the lounge with the kick ass fireplace, Amber came in. I introduced her to my co-worker. Then I mentioned something about my Seattle visit. And she was all “yeah, I read it on your blog.” Cat. Outta. The bag.

I don’t want my co-workers to know about it. Not that I diss them or anything, but I want a place where I know I can say anything I want, if need be. Like Tom Brokaw’s kind of a pompous ass. I want to have my life away from work. Which is necessary to a happy existence.

I told co-worker that he didn’t hear that. And that what happens in Seattle, stays in Seattle. I’m hoping it doesn’t come up. Because I can’t lie. But it’s a good thing I have such a common name. Because you can’t find it searching on Google. So kudos to me for being so clairvoyant and knowing that it might be an issue when people search. (No. I didn’t even think of that when I came up with it.)

I’m really happy to be back home. I missed my bed. And my shower. And maybe even the cats. Although, Simba decided to get pissed at me and scratch up a pair of work pants that I had hanging. Damn cat. I now don’t feel as bad that I cut his nail too short last night and it bled. (By the way, I’ve never done that before. Not the nail cutting. I do that all the time because I don’t believe in de-clawing. (Mostly because I’m poor. But also because it’s amputation. Hindsight, maybe a good idea to save my pants and my couch.) But I’ve never cut too short to hit flesh. And blood. And I’m cringing right now thinking about it. I was a wreck. Another good reason to practice on cats before kids. That’s my new motto “Cats before kids!”)

I left the house this afternoon for the first time since I got home Friday night. I love those kinds of weekends. I just sat around and watched TV. Lots and lots of TV. I caught up on all my TiVoed crap that I missed from the week. And. And! I am all caught up on Lost! Just in time for the second-time-this-season season premiere next Wed. I’m still thoroughly confused, but now am right where everyone else is.

So, as you can see, there is a reason as to why I haven’t blogged. Trips to Seattle (or anywhere for that matter) create blog material. Sitting around your house in your PJs? Not good material.

Thankfully, for your sake, I’m leaving for San Francisco on Thursday morning. With lap top in tow.

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Posted By Kristabella on January 24, 2007

I am not a sales person. Can I sell you on why beer is good or why I think Grey’s Anatomy is a good show? Of course. Because everyone pretty much likes these things.

Can I sell you on consulting at your place of business? Or why you should go with my company? Maybe at a bar over a few beers, but definitely not if my income depended on it. And no fucking way would I do it every day. I do not like sales. Do. NOT!

So guess what this new hire training bullshit is these two extra days I’m staying out here? Yep. You guessed it. Sales training. And it is very informative. But there is role playing. Role! Fucking! Playing! (Thankfully I got out of mine because I was all “I’m not in sales.”) So two full on days of strategy and selling techniques. It’s been a long ass day. And let me just point out that I had two grande lattes today. TWO! I never have more than one. And I added a Diet Coke in there to stay awake. And am now jittery as all hell.

So seriouly, I’m starting to wonder about this job. I really like it. There is a great path to move on. There are tons of opportunities to grow into. I knew that going in. They all fucking mentioned sales when I was in interviews. As an option. I knew full well “Not Gonna Do It!” But, I don’t want to do it. I want to be in my little world where all I think about is the one client I work with. One. Granted, maybe not the best thing in the world because what if they stop hiring consultants? Not good for me. But I would hope that I would have enough skills to help on another account. Or just move on. I’m totally OK with that. Getting fired once in your life really changes your perspective.

These people are all sales people. And I found myself today really missing sports people. I mean, hell, my last job was all sales people too. But I guess dirt and mulch and erosion control is a little more salt of the Earth people than freaking consultants. Especially IT consultants.

Don’t get me wrong. I really like everyone. I just want to stay in my little niche and only help on that one account. I have no desires to really move up or gain all that much more responsibility. I like where I am. And am happy and content to stay in this for years. Do I know this for sure? No. But I do know one thing. I do not want to move into sales.

Sales VP is leading the meeting. He sounds like Tom Brokaw. Actually, we have some guys with really awesome voices. But Brokaw is a great sales guy. He started here almost when the whole consulting side of the business started. He’s a great wealth of knowledge. And he is really successful. So for the other people, they are eating it up with ginormous spoons. But I bring nothing to the table. I felt like I should contribute something, so I shared a story. It was about how, as a small consulting company and not one of the huge firms, we have better client relations and we’re there whenever you need us. So I say:

ME: “It’s like that scene from the show The Office. I don’t know if any of you watch The Office…”

(Dead. Fucking. Silence.)

Now Brokaw is a funny man. Maybe it was a wrong analogy. I know I looked like an ass. He pretty much looked at me. Paused. And then completely changed the subject. It was at that point I either wanted to A) cry, B) run from the room. Crying, or C) get out of there and on the next plane. Because you know what? I don’t care. I am not ever going to do sales.

(You know, I am totally going to end up as a salesperson in three years and have to come back and delete this post.)

A lot of it is because I’m so tired. I feel like I’ve been here for weeks. And it’s only Wednesday. And I don’t leave until Friday. But an even bigger majority is because I just like our office in Chicago. And I really like the people there (not that I don’t like the others). But all I’ve wanted to do while here is sleep, drink, blog or hang out with my non-work friends in Seattle. Which I’m off to do now. Rich and I are going out for drinks.

It’s just a new world for me because I’ve never felt out of place at a job. I know sports. I learned dirt. And I am a people person and can along with most people. But this is uncharted territory for me. And I’m not like it. Good thing I won’t be doing this again any time soon. Get me back to my desk in Chicago! Stat!

P.S. I also have homework. Um, yeah, okay.

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Posted By Kristabella on January 23, 2007

This trip so far has been awesome. Sunday night was pretty good. We ended up at the reception in the hotel, and there was about 8 people there. We left the hotel and went to a bar close by and were home by 10:30 that night. It made me miss my NFL PR meeting days. You wouldn’t be caught dead calling it a night at 10:30. Especially on the first night.

But Monday morning, I totally was so, so happy that I got some sleep. We packed a lot into our session yesterday. We went hard from 8-6. (Although, the last half hour was sitting around drinking beer with the National GM. Have I mentioned how much I love my new company?) I wasn’t feeling all personable in the meeting yesterday. Which was bad. Because I didn’t know anyone. And they’re all sales people so they were all happy and talky. I stopped introducing myself to people because I wasn’t in the mood and I just started to feel really out of place. I was having some doubts.

But that all changed last night. We had dinner and drinks at a new rooftop of a new bar right near Qwest Field. It was a nice place. The restaurant and bar downstairs have been open a few months, but the rooftop room isn’t open to the public yet. And they opened it special for us. After that place, we went to some place for karaoke. The one VP wanted to go here. Which we all saw why when after walking in he was singing Ice, Ice Baby within about 10 minutes.

The drinks were flowing and we were all getting really comfortable. Almost everyone got up to sing. I was deciding on a song. I finally decided on Baby Got Back. Our other VP said “that might be the best moment in (company name’s) history.” Turns out? It probably was.

I got up there and was singing and dancing. It was awesome. All the other ladies were up there shaking their asses. It was awesome. (Have I mentioned that it was awesome?) Everyone was still talking about it today. Said I had the best performance by far. I also sang some other songs, but not as well as good old Sir Mix-A-Lot.

This morning in the meeting, the one VP, Mr. Big, (it’s his nickname. He kinda looks like the character on Sex in the City. I’m sure he wishes it was for something else.) he leans over and says “do you remember yelling M-C-P Bitches! last night?” And I didn’t. Until he reminded me. (It stands for Meetings, Client Interviews and Proposals. Some new thing he introduced at the meeting.) (I’d also like to point out that he was egging me on to do it at the end of the night.)

Also, other VP apparently said to one of people I work with in Chicago “she’s not shy, is she?” That is one thing I don’t think I’ve ever been called.

Today, we had like a few hours to have some discussions and then we were going on a Team Building Activity. We were told to wear casual clothes and dress warm. None of us had any idea what the hell we were doing.

Turns out, we flew on one of those small floater planes, you know the ones that take off and land on water? And we flew up to San Juan Island. And had lunch. It was the most awesome thing ever. And it was a beautiful day today. Only bad thing was the motion sickness from the puddle jumper. The way up was really bad. And I was really nervous on the way back. But I took Dramamine on the way back, which should be kicking in here soon. So I may start drooling on the keyboard.

Really, I’ve had a great time! And really am excited about this company and what they stand for and how awesome all the people are.

I know this looks so fake, but this was the view from out my window in the plane.

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