Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on March 7, 2007

Nope, still nothing poignant to say. But bonus points for me for using poingnant. And correctly.

A few random things:

1. I had 69 views of my site today. Heh. Heh.

2. I like ran for 25 minutes on the treadmill. Not all in a row (because that would be impressive. On top of being impossible right now. And I’d probably be dead.) But with minute-long walking breaks in between. Still, equally impressive. Because I don’t think I’ve even run 25 minutes collectively ever. In 29-plus years. Unless you add up all the times I run to the fridge during commercial breaks. (Thank God for TiVo. Now I can just pause and walk.) (And I wonder why I’m out of shape?) (I’m really going to try and stop with all the running talk. Geesh.)

3. But! More importantly! Check out the shirt I bought for St. Patty’s Day.

Now, I can use my mouth for drinkin’ and not for yellin’. Because the shirt says it all, bitches. It will be a multi-tasking celebration!

I might wear it every day. (Where might = WILL)

(Thanks Chundley! Even though I think this is the kind of shit the ADL might frown upon.)

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Posted By Kristabella on March 6, 2007

Because for once, I have nothing to say.

And yet I’m attempting to write a post anyway. Silly dumb blonde girl. Trix are for kids. And writing is for smrt people. I mean smArt.

Actually, for some reason I feel the need (the need? For speed? No.) to write every day. And I’ve been slacking. Because work. And the running. And work. Seriously. I have too much work to do.

We launched this new system. It’s the one I went out to Seattle for training on two weeks ago. And they told me all this stuff. And I soaked most of it in. (Like a sponge.) What I didn’t realize, though, was the sheer volume of work it is creating for me. And this is on top of all my other work. That keeps me pretty damn busy.

I am point person (hear me roar) for this new system in Chicago. And in like 6 months, it will make my life much easier. But right now, it’s creating headaches. So bad that I want to cry. Because it feels like they rushed the launch. Like by a good few months. And I think the one who told me to IM him with any questions seriously wants to change his IM address and move to Bora Bora. (That’s a real place right?) (He’d actually be better off moving to a fake place anyway. I’m easily sidetracked.) (Oooh….shiny thing.)

Oh, and my cat just curled up in the bathroom sink. (News. Flash.)

(Wow, see how far we’ve sunk?) (Get it? Sunk, sink?) (Hey Funny! Meet Funny’s cousin. Not Funny.) (This is spinning. Out. Of. Control.)

Anywho, (my dad used to say that all the time.) (what was I saying about being easily distracted? Total bullshit.) so with the late working hours and working out at the gym every day after work (yay me!) I have less and less time to write. And that makes me sad. (Probably a little more on the pathetic sad side than weepy sad side.) Because I do so enjoy it on so many levels. (And now I’m British.) Even if it is so boring and about roller skating (of which I couldn’t even think of one funny thing to write. Not one!) (But it’s looking better and better by the second compared to this shit on a shingle.) (Now, that, made me laugh.)

But, I am doing pretty well with the whole running thing. After the whole not-moving-my-arms-for-days ordeal. (And am totally just writing a post to brag about how awesome I am. (Awesomely out of shape, that is.) So you’ll all just comment with all the “Atta boy!” and the “Way to go!” and “Pick it up, fat ass!”) I ran five minutes straight on the treadmill tonight. Five! Minutes! In a ROW! Like CONSECUTIVELY! And I know, that doesn’t sound like a big deal. But I’m telling you IT’S A BIG FUCKING DEAL! So there.

And I have like 17 more days to get my ass up to like an hour-plus straight of running, but I think I can get there. (Probably not.) Or close. (Probably not.) At least a hell of a lot closer than I thought I would ever be. (Which was on the couch eating potato chips.) And now I will go. Before I get even more whiny. Or give you a play-by-play of the cat stretching. Or licking his asshole.

(That sound you just heard? Was this blog hitting rock bottom. Only one way to go from here!)

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Posted By Kristabella on March 4, 2007

I had a big weekend planned this weekend. I was getting my hair did on Saturday. And had a birthday party to attend. And was going to go grocery shopping to actually have something edible in the house besides pretzels and microwave popcorn. And maybe clean my filthy-ass house.

But, as per usual, I didn’t do much. Friday night, I passed out on the couch at 8:30. Seriously. I was in bed before 11. Which, was kind of nice. I need sleep. I think I’m coming down with something.

Saturday, I did get up and go get my hair did. It looks nice. I just remembered (like this second) that I should take photos. Because I did that the last time. But I look like shit right now. I think I have mascara all down the side of my face. From not washing my face last night and sleeping in puddles of drool.

And last night, I did go to that birthday party. Which was at a roller rink! Like roller skating. Like I haven’t done in probably about 15 years!

I was kind of dreading it. I mean, it was way out in the burbs and I was pretty sure there wasn’t going to be booze. Because, really? No one needs drunk people on skates.

When I rolled up, two of my friends were just getting out of their car. And they weren’t all that excited either. A lot of it was because we had to stand in line! A line! Out the door! For ROLLER SKATING! (Although, as we kept pointing out, we were like the only people there who weren’t dropped off by the parental units.)

I was really concerned that I would totally fall on my ass. Numerous times. Because I can’t even remember the last time I was on roller blades, let alone roller skates. (You had the option to rent blades, but it was $2 more. And I’m cheap. And if I’m going to be renting skates of any kind, it has to be the brown-booted ones with the orange wheels.)

It took some getting used to. Because, again, on skates you have to “toe pick” to stop. Which, I just had visions of toe-picking my ass into a face plant in front of a gaggle of 12 year olds.

But it was really fun. I mean, once we all got out there, and got our groove back, it was fun. And who knew roller skating was such good exercise? (Probabaly all of yous did.)

The place was packed. And those obnoxious punk ass kids just weave in and out of the groups on the rink. Which tends to make one person fall. Which in turn makes a whole four-car-pileup of people fall too. I am quite proud I didn’t eat it. I came close once. And totally almost grabbed an unsuspecting friend along with me.

The music sucked though. I thought it was going to be awesome. They started with songs that were released before most of the people in there were born. But then it went to like covers of pop songs. (If you’re going to play Yeah by Usher, just play his version.) And then went right in to songs none of us have ever heard.

I was a little disappointed with no games. Their “special” skate was the glow stick skate. You could only be on the floor if you had a glow stick. Which you could only buy at the front desk. (Good move, roller rink people!) But there was no hokey pokey. Or we used to have a dice game. Which I don’t remember what the whole goal was all about, but remember a big ass dice. Although the best was the adults only skate. Because then the floor cleared. Which, for an old lady like me who didn’t like to have all those young whipper-snappers so close and moving so fast by me, was a good thing.

I might have to change my 30th celebration to a roller skating party.

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Posted By Kristabella on March 1, 2007

I have been wearing glasses and/or contacts for over 20 years. I come from a long line of people with really bad eyesight. (Gram has the corneas of dead people in her eyes. Brings new meaning to “I see dead people.”) So I know my way around an optometrist’s office.

But in those 20-plus years, I’ve had few good experiences with eye doctors. Seriously, I look forward to going to the dentist more. And we know how I feel about the dentist.

Eye doctors are all hoity toity and shit. I don’t know why. I think it’s from years and years of being picked on and getting called Four Eyes. And they feel they have power to inflict this on generations to come. I get it. You know best. But if I tell you the contact is sliding around in my eye every time I blink, the correct response is neither “is it that bad?” nor “you’ll just have to deal with it.”

Fuckers.

I have horrible vision. Like I’m legally blind without contacts or glasses. Which is always interesting when they make you take off the glasses to do the test. I could walk into walls. It’s that bad. (Seriously, eye tech assholes, how hard is it to help a sistah out?)

So today I had an appointment during my lunch hour. It doesn’t take long to take an eye exam. An hour is plenty o’ time. I mean, they have all those fancy, schmancy machines to give a starting point. I remember when they didn’t have those. And they would start at the bottom of the prescription curve.

Doctor: What letters can you read?

ME: Those are letters? I thought it was a Rorschach test. Pretty butterfly.

Doctor: No, that’s the big E. Moron.

Anyway, I arrived early for my appointment because I was a new patient and there’s always the token paperwork. My appointment was at 12:30. I got there about 12:24 or so. And then I proceeded to sit. And sit. Oh! And sit some more. Finally, at 12:45 a guy who heard me sighing heavily (yes, I was that obnoxious) offered his appointment to me. (How nice was he?) But it was all moot since I hadn’t done any of the pre-screening yet. I wasn’t allowed to see the doctor. I just SAT there for 15 fucking minutes. I can sit at my desk and get paid for it, douche bags.

Finally, bitch behind the desk (seriously. These were some bitchy-ass women. And a bitchy-ass gay dude.) was all “do you have an appointment?” And so help me it took all my fucking energy to NOT tell her “no. I just wanted to get in from the rain. And this seemed nice. So I thought I’d fill out some PAPERWORK!”

So I go through my pre-screening and whatever. The lady was pretty nice. Except for not getting the whole fact I’m blind as a bat.

HER: Do you see a red dot? That’s about the size of the head of a pin? That is sitting eleventeen hundred feet from you?

ME: Are you God damned kidding me? No, but can you see my middle finger I’m sticking up at you?

Needless to say, I will not be going there next year for an exam.

The eye doctor was really nice. But, too little, too late pal. I was already in a sour mood. Damage, done.

But then I saw Robert Jordan from WGN on the sidewalk, and all was right in the world.

And I may have eaten some lunch, since I’m pretty sure a lot of the grumpiness was because I hadn’t eaten.

And because I had to drink out of a straw all day. Because I couldn’t lift my arms. Because I had my workout with the personal trainer last night. And apparently I have the arm strength of an 18-month old child. Seriously. I’m embarrassed with myself and my spaghetti-noodle arms. This monkey would kick my ass.

Now I must go attempt to shower while somehow washing my hair WITHOUT the use of my arms.

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Posted By Kristabella on February 28, 2007

So I was going about my normal routine this morning in my attempt to get to work on time. Wednesdays are the only days I actually have to be to work at a certain time. We have 8 AM meetings every week. And when you usually roll in at 8:45, it makes quite a difference.

(Especially since I ran on the treadmill last night! Not to document every time I actually fucking work out, or anything. I was doing run two minutes/walk a minute intervals. I’m an out of shape fat arse, by the way.)

Anyway, I was standing on the platform at the Belmont station, waiting for the red line (which of course was taking an unusually long time to come today because I actually had to be somewhere ON TIME.) And I was perusing the Sun Times. (I really only skim, to feel like I know what’s going on in the world. And to see how much of an ass whooping my Alderman laid down.) (He had 80% of the vote, for those of you wondering. And I think all of those people are actually alive.) And all of a sudden there’s a feature for the new season of America’s Next Top Model, which starts tonight. And two of the girls are from Chicago. Including? A girl I know!

(I KNOW!)

I know a girl on TV! I’ve never known ANYONE on a reality show. I’m so excited. I haven’t watched ANTM in a few seasons because really, Tyra bugs the shit out of me. And if they say “fierce” one more time, I’ll throw my shoe at the TV. And seriously, for the love of Christ, eat a sammich skanks!

But I may tune in tonight. Or at least TiVo it. (Or not, because I have to go to the gym and won’t be home in time. I’m sure they’ll re-run it.)

Oh. You want to know who I know and I how I know her? Well, the girl is Sarah. And I know her through my ex-boyfriend. He owned (I say past tense because I went to their website today to see if there was any of this breaking news.) (There wasn’t.) a film company with his friend. And his friend was dating Sarah. And even after they broke up, Sarah still acted in their movies and was their official photographer. She’s actually a really talented photographer. And she does modeling on the side. And she was a super nice girl. (I’d link to her MySpace page, but I have banned all that crazy nonsense.)

And I’m just excited that I know someone on a reality TV show!

(I know. I really need to get out more.)

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