Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on March 4, 2013

Oh, hi. Yeah, I forgot about this site. But I haven’t really had much to write about. I finished Whole 30 and then put back on all the weight because I am back to drinking booze and eating Taco Bell when I’m hungover.

I’m also really busy at work. My boss is out on maternity leave and I’m the acting manager and it has been stressful, to say the least. None of which I can talk about here, but might turn me into an alcoholic by the time she gets back from her leave. So, yay?!?

But then this weekend something happened and it was the perfect thing to spark the blogging part of my brain. So I’m here to share! And pretend like it hasn’t been over a month since I’ve written.

In case you were unaware, my love life is non-existent. I’ve signed up for online dating in the past with no luck. In fact, the only luck I had was making a friend. Which is good, but not really why I paid money.

Towards the end of 2012 I actually had some decent luck. And by that, I mean I went out to this 4 AM bar a lot and well, it’s really easy to give out your number and/or take guys home at 4 AM. Trust me on this.

There was the one guy, who could have his own series of blog posts, who turned out to be a rage-filled douche to me over text on New Year’s Eve. There was the other guy who was a friend of a friend’s friend and he took my number and never called. And then I drunkenly asked him about that on NYE. Then there was the cute 40 year old who had a girlfriend.

So really, I’m much better off single than meeting guys in a bar any time after 2 AM. Or in the case of the 40 year old, 2 PM on a Sunday.

And while I know this, putting it into practice is a whole other ball of wax.

Take last Friday night, for example. Even though we said we wouldn’t end up at the 4 AM bar, that was where we ended up. I ended up talking to some dude and we hit it off. We ended up going back to my place. And that is where this became a story out of the plot of a romantic comedy.

So we get home, I play hostess and get him some water. We make out a bit. I get up to go to the bathroom and shut off the lights. I get back into my room and dude is passed the fuck out on my bed. Like right down the middle. So I wake him up and go to sleep myself. Mostly relieved because it is like 3 AM and I’m hammered.

Dude is a snorer. And I’m not talking like a snorer-when-you’re-drunk kind of snorer. I’m talking like shaking-the-rafters kind of snorer.

I do everything to make him stop – I nudge him, I shove him, I punch him, I plug his nose. Nothing works. Thankfully we got home in the middle of the night, so I shouldn’t have to deal with it too much because it will be morning before we know it and he will get up and go home.

Oh, hahahahaha! Dude slept until 1 PM! In my bed. I got up SEVERAL times to try and be all “OK, time to go!” But he didn’t budge. I tried talking to him to wake him up. He has the personality of a potato, so that didn’t go anywhere. I tried making out with him and he wasn’t even interested in that.

Finally he was like “oh wow, it’s late. I should go.” Yeah, no shit, Sherlock.

So he takes his sweet fucking time getting dressed. And he only has to put a shirt on! FINALLY, he leaves (without asking for my number, which was fine). I then get on my phone to text my friends because DUDE WOULD NOT LEAVE!

After about an hour or so, I realize I’m hungry and decide to head out to get some food. Driving down Lincoln Avenue, about 3-4 blocks from my house, I hit a red light. As I’m stopped, I see the dude crossing the street! I then proceed to freak the fuck out and then look down, around and every which way so that he DOESN’T see me! Because I’m trapped! At a red light! In my car! With no escape!

At this point he’s crossed to my side of the street. And he’s right near my passenger window. I see him reach his arm up to wave and I’m all “shiiiiiit. I’ve been seen. Now I have to be the decent person who acknowledges it.” So I lift my arm up and wave back.

And then I notice that he isn’t waving at me; he’s HAILING THE CAB that is behind me in traffic!

Then I died from embarrassment and turned at the next corner to get as far away from him as possible.

Categories: A Day in the Life of Me, Spinsterville Here I Come
Tags: