Cynical Or Just Smart?
Posted By Kristabella on December 1, 2010
Last Saturday night, I went out with my stepmom and my sisters to celebrate my youngest half-sister’s birthday. She turned 18. I cannot put into words how old that makes me feel. She’s legal! That little baby! How is that possible?
In honor of her birthday, we went to dinner on the street that shares her name:
(Actually, it was a total coincidence. But that didn’t stop us from making her climb a pole.)
After dinner we went downtown to look at the lights and the decorations in the windows on Michigan Avenue. I ended up driving, so I parked in a parking garage. I am too impatient to look for street parking downtown. And since I got a free meal, I was OK paying for parking.
After freezing our butts off outside, we decided to call it a night. My stepmom, sisters, et al headed back to their car (my stepmom’s boyfriend DOES look for street parking downtown) and I headed to mine in the garage. It was a very well-lit garage, one you had to pay before you went back to your car.
I went to the lobby to pay and as I got off the elevator, there was a guy standing by the pay machines. He seemed normal enough, had a cup of Starbucks coffee in his hand. As I approached, he asked for $4. The parking was $14 and I guess he was $4 short. I told him I had no cash and proceeded to pay my parking fee with a credit card.
He then proceeded to tell me he tried to pay with his card, but he was overdrawn because of some large car loan or something. I tried to hurry up and pay without seeming freaked out. I was like “oh man, I hear ya! Money troubles suck! Yuck!”
Then he kept asking if I had any other bills, because he could make change for me. I told him I didn’t have any cash on me. It was actually a lie because I had $40 in my wallet to pay for my cabs on Sunday to and from the bar. But I wasn’t going to give him that money. I just wanted to get to my car and get home.
We rode the elevator together. He was one floor below me and got off and went to his car. I wished him luck and headed up to my floor to my car.
As I was driving home, I was kind of mad at myself because here it is the holiday season and I couldn’t spare any money for this poor guy? I mean, I have $14. I could have paid his parking fee so he could have gotten his car out. Pay it forward and all that. Why am I such a cynic that I assume everyone is bad and going to attack me? Wouldn’t I have wanted someone to help me out if I was in the same situation? Where’s my good cheer and helping out the common man?
But I always trust my gut. And something about this situation seemed shady. I’m pretty sure the fact that I was VISIBLY carrying my pepper spray helped me avoid a bad situation. It was later in the evening. There was no one in that garage. He could have easily followed me to my car and done things I don’t even want to think about.
On top of it, who parks in a parking garage in the city of Chicago, DOWNTOWN, when you know you don’t have money? I mean, you had enough money for coffee at Starbucks. And why are you asking for $4, yet have change for bigger bills, if I had them? Were you waiting for me to put my guard down and open my wallet and then you would attack?
WHY IS THAT MY FIRST THOUGHT?
I am a generous person. I am generous with my time, my money, etc. I love giving, be it hugs or cupcakes. I have no issue with being generous. I give to charities. And I would rather do that, or give a dollar to a bum on the street, than have given this dude money in this situation. Yeah, it may come back to bite me in the ass karmically, but I would rather be a cynic than be beat up and thrown in a trunk of some random dude’s car.
So am I just way too cynical? Has years of city living jaded me? Or does my being jaded and cynical keep me safer?
:::
Edited to add: I would like to ease all your fears that getting in the elevator with him was not by choice. I tried stalling as long as I could. The longer I stalled, the longer he stalled. And rather than go into a creepy staircase with him following me, I thought going in the elevator CLEARLY armed with my pepper spray was better. Trust me, I have already told myself that if something similar happens again, I’ll claim I need to go outside to get something, ANYTHING.
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You totally have to listen your gut. Way better to do that than to convince yourself to be nice and give someone the benefit of the doubt and have it come back to bite you in the ass. Quite frankly it terrifies me that you got in the elevator with the dude. So I say yes, keep erring on the side of caution.
Just smart. Very, very smart. Your head is going, “La la la la I can’t hear you!” to your gut, but your gut is smarter and I’m glad you listened to it in the end. Like they told you when you took tests in grade school– your first instinct is nearly always right, so don’t second guess yourself and change your answer. I am a lot like you in these types of situations, where I want to save everyone. I think it’s called Messiah Complex. Except I work in the loop and have also seen the underside of some of the numbers these guys run, so now I try to be cynical first, give it the sniff test, and feel free to walk away. Good for you.
I am all for giving someone money if I have it in my pocket. But I would never, never, never take out my wallet – no matter what! You did the right thing. And I agree with Elizabeth above that it is scary that you even got in the elevator with him. I understand, but it’s still scary! You weren’t being rude; you were being safe. If you feel bad, then consider donating $10 to the Salvation Army or another charity.
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I would have done and felt the exact same way. Why–if he had bigger bills, did he not use one of them when he bought the Starbucks so that he could get smaller bills to pay? I think that, in situations like that it is better to err on the side of caution….and then go home and feel kind of like a heel but a SAFE AND ALIVE heel, which is always better than the alternative.
For the record I DON’T think you’re a heel at all, but I understand the re-thinking it later and feeling like one. It’s easy to feel like a heel when you are no longer scared or on your guard. 🙂
An oldie, but a goodie, my Dear…better safe, than sorry.
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Smart. Totally!
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YOU GOT IN THE ELEVATOR WITH HIM????????????
You’re grounded.
You definitely did the right thing. If the situation hadn’t made you feel uncomfortable you would have helped the guy out but you weren’t comfortable and you did the right thing. I don’t think your cynical, and you can lend my 4 bucks if it will make you feel better :o)
Smart. Any guy who isn’t shady would understand a woman alone being wary. Plus, why would he go back to his car if he didn’t have the money to get out? You did the right thing.
Totally the right thing. If he had bigger bills, he should have gone back to Starbucks and bought a cookie to make change. It feels hinky just hearing about it. I wouldn’t have even gotten in the elevator with the dude. So maybe cynical… but cynical and safe is definitely better than getting locked in some weirdo’s trunk.
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100% percent the smart thing to do. I’ve learned that if it even gives off the slightest smell of a rat, it’s probably a rat. I’m glad you trusted your instinct, it’s just not a chance you can take.
Um… I would’ve done the same thing!!! He could go make “change” at any freakin store- He had legs – right???? You are not Jaded- he sounds like a creep!
I agree that you are grounded for getting in the elevator with him!!! I would not have given him any money either. Don’t those pay machines give change if you have a bigger bill? And why didn’t he get change at Starbucks? Did he drink from his cup? Sorry I’m wondering if there was something in there you didn’t want to encounter. I’m all about helping people too but I’m also smart enough (like you, not cynical) to go with my gut. I agree with Melissa – if it smells like a rat, it’s probably a rat.
So glad you are safe!
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I had a similar incident about a year ago. A nice enough looking lady approached me as I was walking to the gym and asked for money. I told her I had no cash (a lie, but I didn’t want to whip out my wallet and flipping through to see if I had small bills to give her). She launched into this long, detailed story about how her nephew had been taken to the ER the night before (my gym is near a hospital) and she’d been there all night with her sister and now she needed to go back to their house in the suburbs and pick up a change of clothes but she was $4.50 short of the bus fare, etc. I told her sorry, I don’t have any cash, and kept walking. I would have happily given her $5, but I didn’t feel comfortable rooting through my purse on the sidewalk and them sorting through my wallet to see if I had anything smaller than a $20.
When I got to the gym I felt absolutely sick. Here I am, taking a freaking mental health day from work and I can’t help out a stranger in need? I felt awful that I didn’t give her money, even if I did have to part with $20. I can certainly afford $20. I could have offered to give her a ride, my car was one block away. I beat myself up for days over it.
And then about a month later, Joel and I were walking in a different area of the city and the same lady approached us. She launched into a different, but also very detailed, story about how she needed $6 for something or other. Joel politely told her sorry and we kept walking. As soon as we were out of earshot I hissed THAT’S HER! THAT’S THE LADY! SHE LIED TO ME! And then I spent the next few days feeling pissed off that I’d been so sorry about not helping her. Scammer!
Moral of the story: trust your gut. Rooting through your wallet in front of a stranger in a parking garage isn’t a good idea.
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I’m with your mom. You are SO grounded. I would have behaved the same way (minus getting in elevator – GROUNDED). My mom always told me to trust my intuition and that we get those thoughts/feelings for a reason. While it’s hard to not always help others in perceived times of need, (warning, here comes another mom-ism) if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks, it’s probably a damn duck. That’s right. That man was more than likely a quacking psychopath. Good thing you got in the elevator with him. GROUNDED.
…And i just looked up and saw the same sentiment in a comment above, but regarding a rat. Perhaps mom’s duck substitution is due to an underlying fear of ducks? Huh.
Definitely smart. It’s always good to go with your gut instinct, especially in hinky situations, ESPECIALLY when you’re by yourself, at night, and there’s no one around to help you if something goes wrong. Good call.
I demand you read The Gift of Fear (http://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0440226198). There’s a reason you have those gut feelings!
Do the parking machines expect exact change? If he was able to make change, then he was obviously able to pay for his own parking. And holy shit, $14 for parking? All hail the suburbs with our chain restaurants and large parking lots.
Smart, not cynical.
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I would have done exactly the same thing. And sure, I would probably also have felt a little bad about it, but honestly, what kind of guy approaches a woman at night, in a parking garage, and asks her for money? I don’t know, it just seems like most of the men I know would have the sense to realise that women don’t really like being approached in that kind of situation because it’s scary, so even if you need the money, you wait for someone else to come along, or you to a store somewhere and ask for change. Maybe I’m being unfair, I don’t know. I think you need to trust your gut, though.
Safe, without a doubt. It sucks that you can’t take anyone at their word these days, but it’s just the way things work. And in that situation? Alone, in a parking garage, at night? There’s no other way I would have handled it. I would have been freaked out about getting in the elevator with him, but I’ve heard it’s better to do that than take the stairs, so there’s that, I guess.
Glad you’re safe, though!
I KNOW that you are a great person and have a great heart. This was not a situation where you were not being compassionate – you were alone in a deserted parking garage.
I’m just glad everything worked out – visualizing you there dealing with that gives me the shivers.
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Or be brutally honest and say that you don’t ride alone in elevators with strangers. End of story. While holding pepper spray. And a mini bat that you pulled from your purse.
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I am all for charity and giving people the benefit of the doubt. that being said, I think it is best to trust your gut ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS.
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Dont even consider for a second being polite that is what these preditors rely on!! Girls are told to play nice and be nice and not make a fuss and that is our downfall. I say kick up a fuss a really big load fuss and maybe you wont end up being the one they find later in the park!!! If it turns out you were wrong about his intentions if he is an honorable man you know he has a mom or a sister etc and he wouldnt want anything to happen to them and he understands. If he is not an honorable man then poop on him anyway because you are safe and tough cookies for him.
Just smart. Period.
AGREE AGREE AGREE. smart, not cynical, not even mean even if he WAS short the $4. all remotely non-creepy men have VAST RESOURCES available to them to acquire $4 without resorting to cornering solo women at night in a deserted parking structure. GAH. most guys who aren’t up to something realize how shady that looks and would choose a different method.
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