You Can’t Do That On Television

Posted By on March 10, 2010

The other day I was having a conversation on Google Wave with my fellow Waverlies (we have a name for our online gang. We’re bad ass.) and Crist mentioned that she doesn’t like goats. (Don’t ask me how goats came up. We talk about the most random things ever.) Anyway, the goats made me remember the restaurant in Door County, Wisconsin that had goats on the roof in the summer. Which led me to recall that I did a guest post on that particular thing, over here. Which then led me to clicking links and finding one of the funniest things I’ve ever written, which was also a guest post over at Jodi’s blog.

So because I’ve had a shittastic week at work (IT IS ONLY WEDNESDAY, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!) and know that we can all use a laugh these days, I’m re-posting it here. Because even if you read it almost 2 years ago, it is still pretty funny. If I do say so myself. And if you don’t laugh, don’t tell me. Because as I mentioned – BAD WEEK!


(Reposted from July 2008)

Every time one of my fellow bloggers asks about guest posts, I am always one of the first people to be all “pick me, choose me, love me.” Oh wait, that was Meredith Grey.

But I always am totally eager to do it because….well, I’m not sure why. I would already be writing a post for that day on my own site and those people get enough of my inane drivel. Why would I subject others to it as well?

Basically, I’m a shameless famewhore, that’s why. So I decided since Jodi was nice enough to let me take over her site for a day, that I would write an ode to reality television. And how I am lured by its glowing television glow week in and week out.

But I’m not a poet. And I’m not even sure what an Ode entails. And I’m sure it has something to do with iambic pentameter or some poetry nonsense, but the fact is I don’t even remember how many syllables are in each line of a Haiku.

Instead, I figured I would talk about what it would be like to be on one of these reality programs. Because we all know we’ve thought about how we’d kick ass on Amazing Race, or would totally fall in love on The Bachelor or how we would like to make out with Simon on American Idol. What? Oh, just me then.

So I have picked three reality television shows that I would like to be on – The Bachelor, The Mole and Rock of Love with Bret Michaels. And I will tell you exactly how my experience would go if I were to be lucky enough to not have to work and could give up weeks at a time to pimp my famewhore self out on national television.

The Bachelor

Let’s face it, I’m 30 32 now (!), I’m single and I live alone with my two cats. Why shouldn’t I be on The Bachelor? I ask you, who wouldn’t want to date me? Clearly I’m quite a catch.

There are a few things that could go wrong. One, I do not own any dresses with sequins, and I’m sure that would deny me a rose. Two, those bitches are all size zero. I am not. Three, what happens if I make it to the final three and forgo my individual room and go to the fantasy suite with The Bachelor? How could you ever face your co-workers and your family? They will know you are a SLUT.

In reality, I wouldn’t make it past the first episode. Two words – free booze. I’d be a drunken, slurry mess by the time the first rose ceremony rolled around.

The Mole

I never watched this show until this current season and that was mostly because Jodi was all “watch The Mole! It is teh awesome! Even without Anderson Cooper!” And that was all it took for me to watch. Plus it is summer and there is not much else on.

The first time I watched it, I was unsure about the plot. Basically one person is the mole and is sabotaging everyone else. Or something. I still get confused when they reveal who the fake ghosts and mummies are on Scooby Doo. so I’m going to be blown away by whoever the mole is come the end of the show. I just hope there is a mask involved and Velma and Fred are there.

In reality if I was on this show, since I’m not the best secret keeper in the world, all it would take would be one drunken night with all of the contestants and I’d slurringly shout “I’m the MOLE, bitches!” And then giggle and pass out in my vat of wine.

Rock of Love

Who would NOT want to be on this show? And I’m not talking about going on to make out with Bret Michaels and his nasty thinning hair and collection of hideous bandanas. I vomited in my mouth a little just typing that. I’m talking about DRAMA. To the millionth degree!

Although, I’d be in trouble the first night when Bret takes sexy photos of you for your tour badge. Because I’d flash my granny panties and full-length Spanx sucking in all the fat rolls and the sexiness would be gone and I’d be booted before my first can of celebratory Bret’s Brew.

And I’d be OK with it because there’s no need to have to show up all those skanks with my pole sliding-down abilities. Straight from the playground to VH1. Wheee!

Oh wait, that’s not what they use that pole for?

And now you see why I’m a watcher. Not a doer.

About the author

Kristabella, who also answers to “Hey! Drunk Girl!”, is a reformed band geek with an amazing ability to drink most people under the table. You can read her inane ramblings here, where she talks about her exciting life as a spinster with two cats and a fascination for Bacon.


8 Responses to “You Can’t Do That On Television”

  1. Mahnee says:

    Bad case of mental-pause this AM…I don’t remember that post from the first time so I thank you for the rerun and allowing me to spit coffee at my computer and laughing so hard I couldn’t catch my breath!

    Good times.

  2. jcristg says:

    still freakin’ hilarious.

  3. jodifur says:

    I, for one, am glad you reposted it b/c it is freakin’ hysterical and I never, ever, read my archives.

    I can’t get into google wave. Too much social media.

  4. Angella says:

    Haaaaaa. Somehow I missed this the first time around.

    You know how to bring the funny, girl. I needed this today.

    (Also. I haven’t signed into Google Wave since that first day. Maybe I should?)
    .-= Angella´s last blog ..Write Like Nobody’s Reading =-.

  5. Maureen says:

    Here I thought you were about to wax poetic about the charms of my favorite 80s show, You Can’t Do That on Television.

  6. Alice says:

    i could SO NEVER be on the bachelor. i am very very very not good at sharing my dude. AT ALL. knowing he was making out w/all the other girls i was stuck in the same house with would prevent me from developing any kind of feelings for him. ICK ICK ICK.
    .-= Alice´s last blog ..i VERY MUCH hope that all searches for "baby oil slip n’ slide" now direct the internet to my blog =-.

  7. Well, I am brown so you know I wouldn’t make it past the 3rd episode of The Bachelor. Bret may keep me around long enough to take a shot of tequila off my butt but then boot me for not being “serious about finding love”.
    .-= thecoconutdiaries´s last blog ..The Music in Me =-.

  8. tracey says:

    Shit, you have me snorting my cherry jell-o over here…
    .-= tracey´s last blog ..Tell me a story… =-.