So all the snow we got over the weekend is going to freeze, which means my car is probably going to be stuck. So I’m not even going to try and get it out and just take public transportation to work every day this week. It gives me some exercise, but also makes me want to crawl into the carcass of a dead animal to keep warm.

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I never wrote about any resolutions this new year. I didn’t really make any. Mostly because whenever I do, it ends up being a big FAIL WHALE. So I figured if I didn’t make any and didn’t write them down, I couldn’t go back a year later and be all “oh, well, um yeah, I didn’t do any of those things.” And then I dwell on the failure, which hi! Not productive!

This year I made little goals. Nothing big. The main was that I need to get back into the habit of washing my face every night before bed. Some time, months ago, I got out of the habit because unless you’re new here, it’s not a fucking newsflash that I AM LAZY.

Thankfully, my skin hasn’t been really effected noticeably. I haven’t really broken out too bad or anything. But I battled acne REALLY bad when I graduated college, so bad I have the scars to prove it, and I don’t want to go through that again. So I need to wash my damn face. Plus, I’m old now and I am getting wrinkles and I think I read somewhere that not washing your face makes it all settle into fine lines or something and it is just bad. I don’t need reasons to wash my face. I need to just wash my damn face.

I didn’t start out 2009 on the best foot on the face-washing front. I mean I got drunk on NYE and wasn’t about to waste precious passing out time on washing my face. Especially since I was just going to drool all over it anyway. But I’ve gotten better. I’m at least doing it every weekday, so far. (It is only the 13th.) The weekends are my next step.

My other goal was to finally get healthy. I’m making a goal to get back to eating healthy and not inhaling burritos the size of my femur on a near daily basis. This isn’t a new thing. I was very successful at Weight Watchers back in 2003. So I know what it takes. I also want to get back in shape. Because now that I’m over 30, I’ve noticed that just eating right doesn’t make the pounds melt off. I actually have to be active and make my belly shake like a bowl full of jelly to help burn some calories.

So I’ve joined Weight Watchers again. I know the rules. I don’t need the program for the rules. I can do it on my own. I need it to make myself keep track of everything I eat during the day. It’s very easy to fudge when you aren’t writing it down or logging it online. I started last Thursday and I’m doing pretty well. But I’m not patting myself on the back yet, because it hasn’t even been 7 days.

I also am getting shredded with Jillian Michaels. I’m doing her 30 Day Shred DVD and hoping all her promises will come true and I’ll be dropping inches and pounds in 30 days. It’s a good time to start when my car will be stuck on the street until March, so I won’t be going anywhere anytime soon. What else to I have to be doing?

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My final goal of 2009 is to become a homeowner. (OK, this is a BIG goal.) Which translates to BECOMING AN ADULT! OMG! The world might stop spinning on its axis!

Obviously the buyer’s market is good right now. And I’m thankful for that. And with some of my extra severance left over, I paid down some of my debt, so financially, I think I’m in good place to buy. But overall, I’m freaking the fuck out.

This economy is scary. I mean, I don’t feel like anyone’s job is secure. Except Barack Obama. He’s pretty set. Unless he pulls a Blagojevich and sinks himself. WHICH HE WILL NOT. (How much do I love that Blago’s name is in the Wordpress dictionary. Because clearly no one is talking about him.) So I’m scared that I will make this ginormous purchase and then I’ll lose my job. And then how will I pay my mortgage? Where will I live? Where will the cats throw up at?

I know that you can really lose your job at any time. If anyone knows that, it’s the girl who has lost her job three times. But this whole economy situation we are in right now, it is scary. And since the cats don’t even pull their own damn weight, I’ve got no one to lean on if that does happen. Seriously cats, get a job.

But I’m going to take the plunge anyway. For no other reason than to get away from the pot heads who live below me that I would like to strangle with a hemp necklace. (Another reason I like doing the Shred? Jumping jacks. It has to annoy them.)

I want my own place. I want to own something. And I doubt we’ll have a market like this again for a long time. Not with our man Barack in office. I don’t want to have to climb three flights of stairs to do laundry. I don’t want to have to call the apartment office THREE TIMES to have something fixed. I don’t want to deal with waiting for someone to decide to turn on the heat when clearly it is cold because my lips are blue. I want to be an adult and own a condo in the city.

I don’t know much about any of this house stuff. Which means if you know me and you own a residence, I will be bombarding you with questions. But at least I have a realtor. That’s step one, right?

So back in August (Jesus, has it been that long?) I started up Weight Watchers again. For the eleventeenth time. Because I have put on way too much weight and the only time I want to be carrying around the weight of a toddler is when I’m actually the parent of a toddler. Or babysitting. Or wearing one of those fake pregnancy bellies. Because I always wondered what that would be like. Because then you can take it off.

So I told myself I was getting back on track. I had a friend I was going to meetings with! And we were going to LOSE! THAT! WEIGHT! (a la Ty Pennington. Because I’m as big as a bus. And minus the drunk driving.)?Now, a few months later, I’m right back where I started. I lose and then I gain and it’s a big damn yo-yo. But I thought, since I’m being forced to disciplined enough to write every day for this NaBloPoMo, I figured it would be a good time to be disciplined about this weight loss program that is sucking money out of my checking account every month. (We all know that isn’t motivation. See: the gym.)

So in addition to writing every day, I am going to really try and watch what I eat. No more nachos and pretzels with cheese for a snack at 2 PM. No more Entire Pizzas Alone Sundays. No more Burrito The Size Of Your Head Tuesdays. And I’m going to try (try) to cut down on the Magnum Bottle Of Wine Wednesdays. I may just have to take it down to a bottle. Per day.

And, yes, I know that I’m starting this right before the holidays. But I’ve done if before during the holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas are one day each. It’s the grazing on toffee or?chocolate covered anything starting at 10 AM every day for the entire month of December that packs on the cellulite. It’s not the extra helping of mashed potatoes on Thanksgiving. Plus, I plan to just drink myself through the holidays. Liquid weighs less. And tends to come right back up when you drink too much of it.

My goal, nay hope,?is that by getting back on track and really being strict about “The Program” in November,?and possibly losing the baby weight from the baby I don’t HAVE, will get me back in a good routine. The one I had for over three years. Back when I vowed like a silly little school girl that I would never put back on any of the weight I lost the first time around. Those people who gained weight back were such failures.

Now seating Failure, Party of One. And I’ll have the side salad. Dressing on the side.

And a bottle of Pinot. Let’s not get too crazy.

I think I mentioned it before that I need a support system and for something to make me feel liable for every damn thing I put in my mouth. When I first started, I did it online. But one of my friends at work was doing it at the same time. And I swear everyone who ate lunch with us just wanted us to shut the fuck up about how many damn points were in a banana!

And we didn’t just hang out at work, we hung out outside of work, which was quite helpful when you went out to eat and really, really wanted that 176th piece of bread.

There were others at work who had done it in the past, or were just so nice to sit and listen to me rambling on and on about shit I was putting in my mouth and the measuring! Holy hell the measuring!

I think I was on it consistently for about a year a half. After that time, I reached my goal and I knew enough that I didn’t need to pay $15 a month for it. Because damn! Eating healthy is expensive. This is why we’re an obese nation, people.

And then I got fired. When I moved home, I started to fall off the proverbial weight loss wagon. I was living with my brother and sister-in-law and a three year old kid. Who only likes grilled cheese and mac n’ cheese. Every day, I would finish off the mac n’ cheese leftovers from the pan. Damn near every day! So, so tasty. (I just accidentally spelled that T-A-S-T-E-Y. Damn you Fergie and your horseshit spelling abilities!)

I was sure it would get so much better when I finally got my own place. And it did, a little. But then I was dating someone and we ate out a lot. And then we broke up, and I kill the pain with food. And before I knew it, I got into a bad habit and what’s that saying? A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush?

And did you know bad habits are quite hard to break? Man, that would be such a great saying. Way better than birds and bushes. 

And then I was working at consulting place and we went out for lunch every day. And it was just more fun to eat out than pack a lunch. And new job has a cafeteria onsite. A cafeteria where I don’t eat soup and salad every day. A cafeteria where the healthiest thing I eat is Diet Coke.

And I’ve said I was back on the program many, many times before. And many, many times before, I fell off track. Because burritos? Are gooood.

But after going today to the meeting, I realized this is exactly what I needed. I feel that desire to SUCCEED like I did when I started WW the first time. There are people there that are all in the same boat as me. I have my friend that I’m going with that I can complain and bitch to. And! They weigh you every week! And give quite disapproving looks when you FAIL! If that doesn’t keep me on my toes, I don’t know what will.

And I’m writing down everything I eat. And I’m back to measuring things. Especially since no matter what way you slice it, drenching your salad in ranch is never only one tablespoon. But damn I got good with convincing myself that two servings equals the same amount. And that is why you have no pants that fit, Fatty McHugeArse.

So I went grocery shopping. And I made my lunch for tomorrow. And I’m going to do this. I don’t have nearly as much to lose as last time. I know it can be done. I will do it.

And if I don’t lose weight from WW, it will be from sweating off 17 pounds in this damn heat. I’m actually excited to go back to work tomorrow. Because air conditioning? Is not a luxury.