So remember how I’m going to the gym now? The gym that sucks and apparently doesn’t have locker rooms? Well, they do. As I figured the other day, they are upstairs. All 2,673 stairs. Or at least that’s what it feels like to climb them after working out.

Anyway, so there are signs all over not to leave personal items in your car in the parking lot because they’ve had some incidents or something. Well, since I didn’t see any lockers, I had been keeping all my shit in my trunk. I mean, steal my underwear and bra inside the gym if you’d like. But I kind of need my wallet and keys.

So tonight I ventured up the 18 flights of stairs to take a look-see at what exactly was upstairs. There are two studios for classes. And then there are two doors. Identical doors. With no markings on them. Nor any signs. Two black doors with the same silver circle on it. The exact same doors. Are your getting it? They are the SAME.

I felt like I was on a fucking game show. (Which normally? Good thing.) Which door to choose? Door number one and I win a new car! Door number two and I may just see a naked, sweaty man changing out of his jock strap. (Which, well let’s face it. I’ve been in an NFL locker room. I’ve seen it all.)

Well, I picked the WRONG door. WRONG! I wasn’t sure when I walked in. Because no one was in there. There was a hair dryer. But this is Lincoln Park. I’m sure there are plenty of men at that gym that might use a hair dryer.

My solution? Instead of asking? I decided to look in the lockers to see if things looked like guys or girls stuff. Seriously. Like I was expecting to see high heels and a dress, or a suit and tie. (I did see some Prada shoes, but they did not scream MEN’S SHOES!) This proved fruitless, obviously, and I finally had to leave.

When I walked out the door, I ran into a guy who works at the gym. Who just started laughing. (That was my first clue that I, indeed, had been in the wrong locker room.) When I went into the women’s locker room finally, I realized that the walls were painted pink in here. Blue in the other.

You can’t make this shit up.

Thankfully (or maybe not) there were no naked men or anything. I don’t need any more reasons to not go to the gym.

But hello, gym? SIGNS WOULD BE NICE!

Speaking of the gym, I am always amazed at people who pick up people at gyms. (No, I don’t know any of these people. I hear stories.) Who are these people? How does this happen? I admit, there are quite a few boys I’ve seen in my three days at this gym that I wouldn’t mind making out with, but what the fuck? I’m at the gym. And I don’t want to be there. At. All. And my red, sweaty face should be the first clue. That and the furrowed brow.

Although, I suppose if you do meet someone at the gym, your stock can only go up. Because if you think I’m cute after working out, it only gets better. I usually clean up good. And actually smile.

The funniest thing was one of the dudes dyed his hair over the weekend too. He’s about 20 years older, so he dyed it brown to cover the grey. We both laughed and pointed at one another when we both realized that this past weekend was The Weekend To Dye Your Hair Brown. Did anyone else partake?

And then I had some chick look at me and say something about strawberry blonde. And I must have looked at her with the most fucked up face evah because what?!? What part of this looks either red like a strawberry or blonde, like LIGHT? Like as in the opposite of brown? And this is why I will stand by my position that some people are just idiots.

In other news, guess what I did tonight? I dyed my hair blonde! No. I kid. I kid. But! I. Went. Running! (I thought that could use some dramatic pauses.)

Yep. And I kind of enjoyed it. For the first 12 minutes (a WHOLE mile). Until I got so damn winded I had to walk. (Not too shabby for the first actual aerobic activity in three damn months, you lazy whore.) I not only ran, I went to my damn gym for the first time since maybe April. And on top of it, this was my first time at the new gym that I moved to once I didn’t work downtown anymore. (I won’t point out that I moved to this gym in June. It’s now August.)

And let me tell you, this gym blows. It’s tiny. And it’s hot. And I’m pretty sure there are no locker rooms. (There is some stuff upstairs, but it was like 347 steps up to the top, and no one needs a locker room that bad.) In fact, I think there are no lockers at all. Which means, you just store your bag in a cubby like if you were a damn first grader. But at least it wasn’t too crowded and I didn’t have to wait for a machine. (Someone might steal my underwear, but hey! No waiting!) And there were like 3 cute boys running that I could stare at, which is always quite helpful. Because the only other option was damn Katie Couric on TV and I already have the urge to vomit from the running. I don’t need anything else contributing to that.

But the goal is to keep this up. One, because it helps with the weight loss. And the whole fitting-back-into-the-pants Plan. And two, oh, because I signed up to run a 5k on Labor Day. Not that I can’t walk it, but I kind of want to get back to running. If only because it burns more calories. And more calories burned = more beers I’m able to drink.

And then all will be right in the world.