So my Lensolution didn’t go as well as planned. But I did blog more than 20 days. And Lent is like 40 days, so that’s not half bad. I think it was better than what I had been doing before Lent started, so I consider it a big WIN! And had I not gotten the Death Plague, I would have posted even more.

Did everyone have a nice Easter holiday? Or Sunday, for those of the non-Christians out there?

Mine was very nice. I went to church with my mom and Grandma and then we went to my aunt’s house for the day. It was a nice day. I got to hang out with my sister, yelling into her belly to make the baby learn to love me. “HELLO BABY!” I wanted her to move or kick for me because I’ve never felt a baby kick. Baby did not oblige. She may not like me so much now for yelling, but as soon as she makes an appearance, she will be thankful that she has me as an Auntie because I’m going to spoil her rotten!

I went to church. You did read that right up above. I go on Christmas and Easter because it makes my grandma happy. She’s a strict Catholic and goes to church every week. She feels better when I’m there because at least she gets to show me off to her friends and try to find me a husband. (She wanted me to talk to an attractive young man because he was tall. She didn’t really get that he was like maybe 21, so that is almost illegal.)

Church and me, is not really a good mix. I know I should sit there and really listen and feel the power of Jesus sweeping over me or whatever it is that people feel when they are in church. But I’m so cynical. And also a people watcher. So I kind of tune everything out and just watch the people for an hour. For instance today I witnessed:

• A snotty church lady who takes her ushering duties very seriously. She was probably over 70 years old and wearing a short skirt and purple, suede, knee-high boots.
• She asked us to move to the middle of the pews and we just looked at her and didn’t move.
• A pony-tailed man who saw that his pew neighbors were Hispanic so he assumed he needed to speak to them in Spanish.
• A family of three in front of me, a mom, a daughter and a son. The daughter was very unfortunate looking. She was really, really skinny. Like she had to be anorexic. But she had the worst the haircut I’ve ever seen. Like it was really unattractive. So if the goal was to distract people from your skinny body with awful hair, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!
• (I should burn in hell for making fun of people in church but Easter mass is LONG!)
• When the priest was talking about the meaning of Easter, and how Jesus rose from the dead, the power went out for a second in the church. Not ONE person said anything! No one yelled out “HE IS RISEN!” or “HE IS WITH US!” or “PRAISE JESUS!” Not one person!
• Well, I may have whispered it to my mom.
• There was a guy wearing a hat in church. Apparently this is disrespectful. Because when he walked past us to get in line for Communion, both my mom and my grandma snickered and said “He’s wearing a HAT? IN CHURCH?” And then the woman in front of us turned around and looked at my mom and said “he has cancer.”
• So I said “it’s OK mom. You’re already in church. You can get instant forgiveness!”

I might have to start going regularly just for the people watching and blog material. I don’t think Jesus cares, right? Just as long as I go?

Since having Ali (and Metalia) come into my life, I am much more knowledgeable about the Jewish faith. In fact, sometimes I’m pretty sure I know more about Judaism than Catholicism. I have experienced the Sabbath and Rosh Hashanah. Last year I was in Atlanta for Yom Kippur, but decided to head out of town that day since that involves fasting and really, the best part about Jewish holidays is the food!

Up until a few weeks ago, all I knew about Passover was that you couldn’t eat bread or anything with grains. You’re only allowed to eat unleavened bread. Just the idea of no bread made me want to pass over celebrating this holiday. (Pass over, get it?) But then I realized I love Ali and her kids and I was like “I’m not going to let a crumby cracker stand in my way of hanging out with the Martells!”

So Passover is kind of  a big deal. (I know this because of Twitter, of course.) Knowing this and seeing so many people tweet and post about it, it got me a little nervous. I’m not good when it comes to religious things and I have this huge fear that I’m just going to do something like touch the sacred cup and give the entire house full of people bad luck for the year just because I had unleavened bread stuck in my throat and needed to wash it down! (Clearly I think too much and have insane worries.)

So I spent a better part of the last week on Wikipedia figuring out what exactly was going to go on. I learned after my first experience at Ali’s mom’s house, when I walked in loud and yelling in jeans and flip flops during the blessing during the Shabbat lunch, that it is best to come prepared, lest I make an ass out of myself and get shunned. Mostly I was researching on Wikipedia because this tweet from Ali’s husband kind of freaked me out.

But then I found out that Passover involves having to drink wine. YOU HAVE TO! And not just one glass, but FOUR GLASSES! This is a celebration I can get behind! Pass the Matzo!

Ali’s stepdad (who is the Mayor, BTW) was very good at explaining things. And the books they were reading from were in both English and Hebrew so I could follow along. Of course spending the whole time flipping to the pages that told me when the wine drinking was going to happen.

The one thing I like about Judaism, where it differs so greatly from Catholicism, is that questioning things is encouraged. As a Catholic, you’re supposed to take everything as it is said and obey it. No ifs, ands or buts. But in Judaism you’re not only allowed to question things, you’re encouraged to. In fact, a lot of the Passover “event” is doing just that. Which I only encourage to a certain point because LET’S EAT ALREADY!

Yeah, because we didn’t eat until about 10 PM. The fact that everything was SO good (minus the parsley that I ate before I was supposed to and the horseradish root) helped make up for my growling stomach. And the wine. The wine helped. (Yes, I ate the REAL horseradish and it cleared out my sinus. Because Ali and Gabe told me I had to and I didn’t want to get sent to Jewish jail/hell or something.) (Again, irrational fears.)

I really enjoyed myself. It was fun, as always, to hang out with Ali, Gabe and the kids. I got to play SPIT with Emily (and totally kicked her ass too), laughed at Josh when he got hit in the face multiple times with a ball and told him to learn how to catch better and had Bella show me how to decorate a cookie on the iPhone. And I’m planning to go up and bother them again on Saturday, whether they like it or not. Because I AM A MARTELL STALKER!

I’ll admit, I did not enjoy driving home at midnight. Because it is construction season in the Midwest, which means I had to take detours, including one through the streets of Milwaukee. Thank GOD the detour signs were well placed and I didn’t get lost. I also did not enjoy getting home at 2 AM and not getting enough sleep. But it was totally worth it!

So now I know for next year to take the day off afterward. Oh yes, I did just already invite myself to next year’s Seder!

Anyway, did you all have a nice Christmas holiday? Or for those of you who don’t celebrate, did you have a nice Friday? I had quite a busy weekend. On top of getting a nasty ice/sleet storm on Wednesday, I also spent the entire day on Christmas Eve baking. And I’m not talking about slice and bake cookies. I’m talking I made bread. HOME. MADE. BREAD. That you have to let rise and knead and roll and braid! And it was fantastic, if I do say so myself. (Even if braiding is one skill I NEVER GOT.)

CHALLAH!

Since most of you reading weren’t at our Christmas celebration, I’ll basically fill you in on the gist of it (and I’m sure my mom and aunt will back me up) – I got there early because my sister was only stopping by and I wanted to see her. So I started drinking way earlier than most people. I got wasted, told everyone how wasted I was, talked REALLY LOUD, patted myself on the back repeatedly for my awesome challah (HOLLA!) and then kept telling everyone how drunk I was. IT WAS THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!

Seriously, though, it was actually really nice. There was no drama, the food was awesome (CHALLAH!) and the booze was plentiful. So it was a really nice day. Even better since I didn’t have to drive my mom and grandma anywhere (it was at their house) so I could afford to get wasted and just stay over night. That doesn’t usually happen.

I spent the rest of the weekend with my brother and his family, helping Noah and Skyler break in all their new toys. Since Auntie was too drunk to play with them on Christmas. I got to see all their new toys, their stocking stuffers and have Skyler pretty me up by putting hair glitter gel in my hair. Which I promptly forgot about until I was going to bed and wondered why my hair was crusty.

And we played plenty of Band Hero. Check out the video below. I think my niece is going to be a star! She already knows so many of the words to songs and she’s only four! Takes after her Auntie!

Here is Skyler singing some of the words to Taylor Swift’s Love Story, with my brother rocking out on drums. (And the dog barking like a crazy person in the background. Because she probably saw a piece of fuzz on the carpet.)

So tell me, fair readers, what have you been up to? How was your long weekend? What have I missed in your exciting lives? Since clearly NOTHING has been going on in mine.

So yeah. That’s about it. The post wasn’t even that good. I wrote it more for something to write, since it had been nearly a week since my last new post. Honestly, the most blog-worthy part of it was meeting that girl who worked with Slapdick Consulting. And I already told you that.

Instead, I shall tell you something that may or may not make you sad. I have decided………(drum roll)………………I’m not sending out Christmas cards this year.

(Audible GASP from the audience)

So if you’ve been waiting to see what my card was going to be, looking for it in your mailbox, you can stop looking. I have ended a short-lived tradition.

The reason I’m doing it is mostly a cost and time thing. Also, I didn’t have anyone super, duper famous, just a bunch of ex-reality show contestants. My heart just wasn’t in it. Sending all those cards gets pricey. I know a lot of effing people! So I think it was a wise choice to not send them. Especially since I just had to pay my property taxes and that was A LOT of money. (Look at me being a responsible home owner!)

I am sad though. I loved sending cards. For some of the people that I sent cards to, it was a way to keep in touch, once a year, to let them know I still think of them and am happy to know them. But alas, this year they will think I don’t like them anymore and they got booted from the list. (Which would probably only be the case with some of the people.) (Not you reading this, of course.) (Well, maybe you.)

I made this decision a few weeks ago. I knew it was time to be ordering the cards and it just felt like a chore. It felt like the right decision. No typing up labels, and buying stamps and licking close to 200 envelopes! But now that I’ve started to get some cards in the mail from friends, I’m bummed that I didn’t do it. Well, not bummed enough to actually send out cards, mind you.

So there you go. No KJ with a Famous Person card this year. I’m hoping to pick up the tradition next year and just tell everyone that I was on sabbatical or something.

Maybe I’ll send an ecard. That’s free! And easier! Or just tell everyone to look at this post at the old cards to let them know I wish them a holiday season full of cheer.

Can I just pick it up again next year like nothing happened? Have you stopped crying from the SHOCK of it yet? Will you ever forgive me? How about you? Do you send cards?

My Thanksgiving was pretty uneventful. Pretty much the same as every Thanksgiving. This time there were new people there, and well, I don’t really care much for new people. I don’t like change. My Aunt is dating this guy, and has been for awhile, and he came with his family, and well, let’s just say, next year I might have to have my own private Thanksgiving with the cats. It will be invitation only.

See, because the other typical thing about Thanksgiving, for me, is that I complain (sometimes out loud, sometimes silently to the voices in my head) about the food. Because while I have never cooked a Thanksgiving meal, I’m pretty sure I could do it better. (Now my family is all “you think so? THEN YOU HAVE IT NEXT YEAR!” To which I say “BRING IT ON!”)

It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t awesome either. My corn was awesome. The turkey was kind of dry and the mashed potatoes were not the kind I like. The stuffing was OK, but only the stuff that cooked in the bird. The other stuff was very meh. This could all be because a few weeks ago at book club, we did a little Thanksgiving meal and it was SO GOOD! And man I wish we could bring some new dishes into our repertoire. I mean, it took me years to let them agree to me bringing my corn dish. And it was the ONLY dish that didn’t have leftovers! #CornWIN

Usually my mom hosts Thanksgiving and I berate her on the things she needs to improve on and then she does. My Aunt, she’s mean sometimes, so this was one of those times I complained silently to the voices in my head (and the whole internet) about the food. Those voices are ALWAYS on my side!

Other than that, the only other memorable thing from Thanksgiving is where the title of this post comes from.

Here’s the thing, I have been called Kristabella my whole life. I will answer to it and would have many moons before I even started this blog. My Dad started it and it stuck. My Grandma, Grandpa, Mom, Aunt – they all call me Kristabella. Still, to this day. So really, if you’ve spent any time with my family, you’ve heard me called that.

So my cousin Steve, his girlfriend’s name is Kristin. They’ve been dating awhile and she’s not going anywhere, so I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I will not be the only Kristin in this family. This has taken me years to come to grips with.

Anyway, Other Kristin is lovely. We all like her, she’s funny, cute and we’re happy to have her as part of the family. I hope one day my cousin gets off his ass and proposes to her because she’s put up with him long enough to get a ring on her finger.

So Other Kristin spent Thanksgiving with her family, but came by my Aunt’s house at the end of the evening on Thursday. As soon as she walks in, my other cousin, Jaime, Steve’s sister, says to Other Kristin “Hi Kristabella.”

I was sitting on the couch in the family room at the time, probably checking Twitter on my phone. I heard my mom audibly gasp. And then I was like “did she just call Other Kristin ‘Kristabella’?” And my cousin Jaime then proceeded to play dumb like she had NEVER, EVER heard me called that before and that she CAME UP WITH THE NAME. ALL BY HERSELF!

Look, I don’t say a lot of nice things about my father, but I have many memories of him calling me “Kristabella” in this weird accent, and like I say in my About Page, it brings a smile to my face. Still to this day. So no, you didn’t come up with that. My DAD did. And you’ve been hearing me being called that YOUR ENTIRE LIFE.

Of course, once she knew I was upset, she kept doing it. She can deny it that she wasn’t doing it on purpose, but I’m pretty sure she was.

And look, honey, I AM Kristabella. All you have to do is Google that shit.

Case closed.

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Don’t forget to enter my giveaway! I will keep it open until some time on Tuesday, when I decide to pick a winner. Once comments close, the giveaway is over. Good luck!

I know not many people will be reading posts today, but you know what? It isn’t Thanksgiving in Canada and I know plenty of Canadians that will be DYING to read something from me today! (Not really. I’ve had wine so I have an inflated ego.)

Anyway, I’m feeling really good. It could be the wine, it could also be that I just watched that Biggest Loser reunion special. Or it could be that I am really feeling good, better, loving life. So I wanted to just get all verklempt and remind myself that even when things seem down and horrible, I do have a lot to be thankful for.

Amy mentioned how growing up, Thanksgiving was her least favorite holiday. Mine too. I mean, no presents. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve really come to appreciate it. When I lived away from home for 10 years, I very rarely got to spend Thanksgiving with blood relatives. Instead I spent it with friends who were family, friends who I still consider family because through all those years we were all there for each other, transplanted orphans who made the holidays work, even though none of us were with relatives.

And for some reason, this year I’m feeling very thankful. I’m ENJOYING the holidays and this time of year. I’m happy. (Again, could be the wine.) (I haven’t had that much, I swear!)

Anyway, I wanted to list a few things I’m thankful this holiday season:

• I’m thankful for this blog and all of you. Seriously. Every single person who reads this blog, I am thankful that you do. You don’t really understand blogging and the community until you’re in it. It has been one of the best things I have ever done in my life. You’re there when I have to write something that is very hard for me and you give me nothing but support. Not only do I have an outlet, I have friends, some of the best friends a girl could ask for, people who are there when I need them and know exactly when to send an inappropriate ecard to brighten my day. I love you all!
• My mom. I don’t think my mom hears that enough. I hope she knows how much I appreciate her and am thankful I got handed her the day they were handing out moms. I couldn’t ask for a bigger champion. She will tell me I can do anything, ANYTHING, and be there every step of the way as I set out to do it. It’s amazing to have someone like that. I hope you all do.
• I am thankful for my condo. I know I don’t clean it enough and I still haven’t unpacked and still have furniture to buy, but I love every single thing about it – the washer and dryer, the dishwasher, that it is ALL NEW and ALL MINE. I can’t wait to decorate it for Christmas. (People, I’ve never been this person. EVER.)
• I am thankful for my cats. As annoying as they are (seriously, how can you puke THAT MUCH), they love me unconditionally and they provide good blog fodder. And they let me stick labels to them.
• I am thankful for Bacon. I think we all are. Even my Jewish friends. Challah!
• I am thankful for having a furnace. An honest to goodness furnace that I CAN CONTROL! After years of living either in California or with radiators controlled by someone else, I am so glad that when I’m cold, I can TURN ON THE HEAT! I swear, it is the little things.
• Wine. It is the font of wisdom.
• My friends. All of you. The ones inside the computer box and the ones I can reach out and touch and can clink glasses of wine with. I’m really feeling like I have a great group of people here in Chicago.
• My DVR. I’m always thankful for my DVR and it’s ability to record lots and lots or reality television.
• The Real Housewives series. Seriously, could all those bitches be any more crazy? And fabulous to watch?
• My family. Of course. Even though they can be crazy, I still love them because blood is thicker than water. And they’ll always pick you up at the airport.
• Wine. Did I mention I was thankful for wine?

That was sappier than I imagined it should be, but it’s heartfelt. (Again, blame the wine.) I just really am happy. Life isn’t perfect and it sucks balls sometimes, but you know what? My life is pretty great. And I hope you all take time out to remember what you’re thankful for today.

Except you Canadians. Because you just stole our holiday and made it earlier than ours so you could be smug about it. (I kid! I love Canadians!)

Have a wonderful and safe holiday everyone! May your plates be full of delicious food and your glass always be full of booze so your family is tolerable!

Gobble gobble!

Needless to say, my brain isn’t working much and I can’t form coherent sentences. So I’m just going to tell you all about the highlights from my long holiday weekend.

• My car is UNSTUCK! FINALLY!
• On Wednesday afternoon, after I got home from work a bit early, I went right to my car to get it out. It was warmer that day and the snow and ice were turning slushy. I figured it was my best shot of getting out. After struggling for a bit, a nice man, A SAINT, came out to help me. He literally pushed me out of my spot. It took us a half hour, but I got out. It was a Christmas miracle!
• I need to bake that man some cookies or something. He has no idea how grateful I was.
• We got a ton of rain this weekend and it was 60 degrees on Saturday. It melted all the snow (yay!) and also flooded all the frozen rivers (boo!). There is very little snow and ice left. I parked in a spot with a little bit of ice (I’m talking like not even that noticeable.) When I went to leave for the grocery store this afternoon, I GOT STUCK! ON THAT LITTLE PATCH OF ICE!
• Thankfully it wasn’t for too long.
• I’m pretty sure Mother Nature hates me.
• Either that, or she’s a dentist.
• My Christmas was good. I got money and gift cards mostly. I also got a new sweater and a cute scarf and some reusable grocery bags. Which I probably was the most excited about!
• It was really loud in my aunt’s house on Christmas. There was too much going on. I was way too overstimulated. And there was nowhere to escape to. Not surprisingly, I had a huge headache when I got home.
• My cousin got snippy with me when I explained to her that to show images back on a digital camera, you have to switch to the mode with the play button. She looked at me like I was speaking gibberish. I had no other way to explain a PLAY BUTTON than yelling PLAY BUTTON louder.
• She got mad because she said I didn’t need to make her feel stupid.
• But who doesn’t know what a play button looks like? It’s the same on a camera or a DVD player or an iPod. IT IS A UNIVERSAL SIGN.
• I went over to my brother’s on Friday to help Noah and Skyler break in all their new toys. Noah got the board game Life from Santa. So my brother, SIL and I played on Friday night.
• True to real life, I lost my job twice in the game of Life as well.
• I suck at Mario Kart. Which pleases my nephew greatly. He’s a really sore winner. Which pisses me off even more than sucking. Because HE’S SIX.
• I noticed this morning that my heat wasn’t working. And since it is radiators and I have four of them, I was thinking it was more of an issue of the apartment complex not turning the heat on, than the radiators being broken.
• Saturday was 60. Sunday was 30. The heat was needed. It’s like against the law or something.
• So I left a passive aggressive message on their machine (since they are on vacation) and said something about their vacation doesn’t mean I don’t get heat. And also, I might have said something about taking money off my rent next month because if I have to shower when it was 50 degrees in my house in WINTER, there was going to be hell to pay.
• I heard the radiators click on a little later. But not since, which means I’m debating wearing mittens inside my house.
• My landlord pays for our heat. Which is all fine and good until they decide not to turn it on. I’d rather be able to control it myself. And also, I pay far too much in rent to have to wear mittens inside.
• And finally, a photo of Skyler from Christmas of her holding up the empty cookie tray in front of her face. I will never stop finding this pee-your-pants funny.

Hope you all had a wonderful holiday!

See, back in 2003, I ran into Dusty Baker at a 49ers home game (and by run into, I mean stalked and stood nervously in his presence with crazy eyes, waiting for someone, anyone, to take a photo of us together.) After I got my photo with him, I stupidly decided I should make that photo my holiday card. And a tradition was born. (Oh 2003 self. BAD IDEA.)

Click here to see all the past cards. (No, really. They are quite awesome.)

The PRESSURE mounts every year. I feel the need to run into a famous person (or stalk one). I get super stressed starting in September. Because did I mention the PRESSURE? And that 140 people ask me, starting after Labor Day, who will be on my card? It causes some sleepless nights.

But thankfully, someone always comes through. Including this year. Without further ado, the 2008 edition of the KJ Holiday Card Extravaganza.

In case you were wondering, I went extra cheestastic on the text this year.

So to all of you who didn’t receive a hard copy of the card, Helio and I would like to wish you a wonderful holiday season! We hope enjoy celebrating with your friends and family, eat enough to be uncomfortably full and drink enough to embarrass an Irishman (or me).

Oh, and Bacon would like to wish you a Merry Chrismukkah as well! Click here to see his greeting to all of you. And he would like to remind all of you that at any point, if the holiday stress is just too much, remember to “Put the ‘B’ in BLT.” Where B stands for booze. Lots and lots of BOOZE.

Happy Holidays everyone!

It is Bacon here. I’m writing to all of you on the eve of this Thanksgiving holiday because our fair Kristabella is lying on the couch, wine glass in hand, enjoying her evening going into a holiday. You know, because it has been a long time since she had all the time in the world to DO NOTHING BUT SIT ON THE COUCH!

Ahem.

Also, Kristabella is complaining about breathing or something. I would know nothing about that because I am a folder. I am made of paper and a little bit if metal. The metal makes me spin. She’s got some issue where she’s having a hard time breathing, mostly because she’s lazy and doesn’t move a whole lot. But also maybe because she quite possibly might be sick. Or if she goes by Dr. Google’s diagnosis, SHE HAS CANCER AND IS DYING.

But who cares about her anyway? Bacon is here and is there anything better? The answer to that question is a resounding NO! Bacon would like to remind you that he does have some questions to answer and he will be doing that tomorrow, when his belly is fully of turkey and stuffing and wine and cat hair. (Bacon likes to just point that out so that maybe Kristabella will GET BACON OUT OF THE HOUSE TOMORROW.)

So Bacon would like to wish all of you a very happy Baconsgiving. Bacon doesn’t get a holiday, so this is it. And who wouldn’t want a holiday all about Bacon? Idiots, that’s who. And vegans.

Bacon (and Kristabella, I guess) are very thankful for all of you readers and friends. Bacon is also thankful our Kristabella has a job and is gainfully employed. And Bacon is also thankful for Jesus turning water into wine so that Kristabella would in turn love it and be tipsy enough to let Bacon take over this here blog tonight. Mwahahaha!

What are you all thankful for on this magical Baconsgiving holiday? (Besides Bacon, of course. That is a given.)

Bacon hopes you all have a wonderful holiday, or Thursday for those of you in Canada!

Saturday I went to a St. Patrick’s Day party that my friend Jenn and her boyfriend Jerry were throwing. And I went because there was beer there and it gave me an excuse to wear my favorite shirt.

I really need to find more occasions to bring this one out of the dresser. Like “It’s a Thursday!”

I stayed over at Jerry’s house because it is all the way up in Wisconsin. And my relationship with beer leads me to overconsume, which means driving 50-plus miles isn’t the best idea. Plus he lives close to my brother, so I got to hang out with my favorite niece today. And it was fun, even if she did try to kill me by standing on my NECK!

So I had to pack a bag with my PJs and a change of clothes. When I got out of the shower on Saturday afternoon, my cat Simba apparently wanted to come with me. He’s a very social cat, the life of the party.

The party was a lot of fun. I drank plenty of beer and my share of Irish car bombs, which are so tasty and fuck you up all at the same time. My friend Jenn tried to set me up with a deaf guy, which really is par for the course. And he not only had two hearing aids, he also had a speech impediment. And say what you want about what this says about my character, but I like to talk and am a bossy cow, so I need you to hear me.

But in true Kristabella fashion, I brought up my shallowness to a very nice lady we were chatting with. Who then went on to tell me that her son has Cerebral Palsy and that she really hates shallow people who aren’t kind to others with disabilities. I then crawled under the bar with the bottle of Jameson attached to me via IV. And talked really loud for all to hear.

The night just got weirder from there. One of the guys who lives in the house is an obnoxious 22-year old. And he was piss drunk, in and out of consciousness and passing out on the couch. We all laughed and pointed and prayed he didn’t puke on the carpet or on us. After about 10 seconds of this, this dude jumps to life and then begins talking. Non-stop. In a Polish accent. Until well after 4 AM.

I don’t remember a lot of what was discussed. I know I didn’t understand how this guy who speaks accent-free English when sober had a Polish accent when he was drunk and threw in Polish words every other sentence. And I know I laughed a lot. And I know he kept talking about his “chesticles.” Even showing them to us.

But it got better. Jenn went upstairs to bed about 4 AM. She gave me some blankets, shut off the lights and I went on into passing out mode on the comfy couch. Polish McChesticles had other ideas. He decided that me SLEEPING was not going to be allowed so he was going to continue to talk to me for about another 45 minutes. And not only was he talking to me, in my ear, whispering sweet nothings like “you’re kind of hot” and “turn around” and “can you hear the dog chewing his bone?,” he was also constantly tapping my shoulder. And poking me, trying to get me awake. Picture the most obnoxious child, constantly talking and tapping you, and this was what I had to deal with in the wee hours of the morning when all I wanted to do was sleep.

I tried to ignore him. Half the time I was shaking because I was laughing so hard because this was not really happening. The other times I was afraid that this batshit crazy Polak was going to try and have his way with me and end up vomiting in my hair. I finally faked sleep enough for him to head to bed.

But not before tapping me again and asking “hey, what was your name again?” 13 times.

I can’t make this shit up.