Back before I had my tooth pulled back in November, a molar on the other side of my mouth chipped. I didn’t even cry. I just looked at it, realized I was going to have another crown and made a note to quadruple the amount of money I put in my flexible spending account in 2012.

The giant gaping hole in my mouth is healing well. It takes up to six months before we can do the next steps, which is to take molds for the implant. In the meantime, I chew on only one side of my mouth and continue to go out in public every day with a gaping space in my mouth. I’m Cletus, the slack jawed yokel.

So let’s fast forward to last week at my regular check-up at the dentist. She tells me what I know, that I need a crown and all that. So I make the appointment for this evening. This is old hat for me. A shot of novacaine and some drilling? NOTHING! Not when you’ve previously had someone HAMMERING YOUR JAW BONE.

Then as I’m paying and getting ready to head home, they remind me that I shouldn’t eat anything on that side of my mouth until I get the permanent crown on. Which is in two weeks.

screeeeeeeecccchhhhh

Back up. What? The side of my mouth I’ve been chewing on exclusively since November is now off limits? And the side of my mouth that I CAN chew on is missing one of the important molar teeth? So you’re saying I basically should consist on smoothies for two weeks? Well, OK. What a weight loss plan!

Also a good weight loss plan? Going to the dentist and getting half your face numb! Just try and eat or drink anything!

Sadly there is no video. Only because I was too busy cleaning up Kool-Aid and soup from my face and floor.

*I would like to point out that I currently LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my dentist. I have no complaints at all. The fact that I do not get freaked out and cry about having to have work done is a testament to how much I love her and trust her.

I’ve always been tough. I didn’t have the easiest upbringing and I kind of figured out at an early age that it is just easier to do shit yourself than depend on other people.

I also have a high threshold for pain, so it is very easy to seem tough because a few Advil will solve most any problem. This is who I am. I am tough and strong. Rawr.

So when I get a chink in my armor, it is very upsetting to me. Like I have some fatal flaw. It’s just not allowed.

This oral surgery has kicked my ass. I have had oral surgery one other time in my life, back when I was 22 and had my wisdom teeth out. It was the only time I’ve gone under general anesthesia and it was relatively easy. I was back eating solid foods like two days later.

But that was an easy surgery. My teeth weren’t impacted. All four of the teeth were actually in, so it wasn’t that bad of a surgery. I probably could have done it under local, but was not offered the option.

This surgery was not easy. My tooth had rotted and there wasn’t anything left above the gum line. And because he was doing a bone graft and later an implant, he had to make sure he was careful in removing the tooth (all of it) and preserve as much of my jaw bone as possible. This all sounds easy until the whole thing got started.

There was sawing the tooth in parts to remove. There was banging, BANGING, with what sounded like a hammer, to MOVE MY JAW BONE OUT OF THE WAY. Like STRETCH it, so there was room for him to like cut the gum and get the tooth out and I just passed out thinking about all of this again.

I expected this recovery to be like the last time. I expected to be fine by Sunday and had even planned a trip to Target. (HAHAHAHA!) I didn’t expect such debilitating pain. And I didn’t expect to be out of my pain meds before Monday. I didn’t expect this much pain AT ALL.

But I forgot the fact that I’m 12 years older. I forgot that this is a whole different, more intensive surgery. I forgot that I grind my teeth at night, which is giving my jaw not as much time to heal, since I’m constantly putting pressure on it throughout the night.

I went back to work on Monday. I was feeling OK. I wasn’t taking my Norco during work hours, so I had to rely on Advil alone. And Advil wasn’t doing much. Add to that the fact that I hadn’t been awake for more than four hours at a time and you can see why come 2 PM on Monday, I was not feeling good.

I told myself to tough it out. I’m tough! It was just a tooth extraction! I have had three days to recover! SUCK IT UP, PUSSY!

But I couldn’t. I caved. I left early yesterday and went home and slept. And iced my jaw and slept some more. And it was exactly what I needed. I tried to do too much, too soon. And it came back to bite me in the ass and my body told me it had enough.

I may have had to turn in my Tough Girl Card. But at least I was smart enough to go home. Because sometimes tough = stupid.

I’ve been sleeping a majority of today, waking up just enough to have some sparkling water and take my medicine.

Hopefully by tomorrow I’ll look less like I have mumps and the swelling will go down.

Wheeeee!

So the surgery went well today and I’m currently sans one tooth. It took a bit longer than they expected because as is the norm with every single dental procedure I’ve ever had, it was anything but routine. But, my surgeon was awesome and he got it all done and said we are in good shape. I go back a week from Monday for a check-up and then in about six months, he’ll put the implant in.

The surgery was really fine. Nitrous is amazing. It’s like being drunk, but without the hangover. When it first started he was all “do you want some more?” And I’m all “HELL YEAH!” Actually it was more like “muah huh” because I had nine million things in my mouth. I’m sure he regretted that later when I was so relaxed and couldn’t keep my mouth open.

The problem is that there were so many opportunities for “that’s what she said” jokes that I couldn’t actually say because of the nine million things in my mouth. (That’s what she said.) In fact, after they were done, I tried to make one and I think it came out as “dwas zut eeee erd”. Because there was no laughing. Except for my own.

I was fully recovered by the time Daisy came to pick me up, which was sad for her and the entire internet. I should have made her come home with me until the pain meds kicked in to get some good material. But then again, that’s what Twitter is for.

(Shout out to her for being so sweet and not only picking me up on a work day, but she also picked me up a smoothie from Jamba Juice and made sure it was extra blended and had no seeds. I’m lucky to have friends like her!)

And seriously, thank God for Twitter. When one has this kind of procedure or is sick or suffering, it is tough when you’re single. The cats don’t help and you just want your mommy and want people to listen to you whine and just make you feel better. So really, thank you all. And I’m sorry for all the excessive tweeting.

Now I’m going to lie down and watch oodles of TV. And maybe do a few cartwheels. Because right now, I can do anything! DAMN these pills are magic!

WHEEEEEEE!!

So I chose to believe her! Of course I did!

I started probiotics a few days ago. And I started the antibiotics this morning. I’m hoping it all works out and there are no poop-splosions in my near future. But, on a good note, I know what the symptoms are, in case I do have a repeat occurrence, and then I will stop taking the medicine. As opposed to the last time, when I just kept taking medicine that was making my ass feel like it was on fire.

Ahem.

Anyway, I bring this up because today I started two medicines in advance of the oral surgery. I picked them up at the drug store near my office this morning because when I went to pick them up yesterday, I realized I left my wallet at home. Good thing I bring my lunch!

The two things were not in a small white paper bag like normal prescriptions. They were in a LARGE brown paper bag. I’m pretty sure everyone that saw me leaving CVS this morning thought I was carrying an enema in the bag. Or 20 pregnancy tests.

But no! It was just a large bottle of pills and a GINORMOUS bottle of anti-bacterial mouthwash.

I started both these medicines this morning. The antibiotic is straight forward. The only thing that worried me was a) the chance of the poop issues, of course, and b) that it specifically says that if heartburn is one of the side effects, to contact your doctor immediately. Like it’s considered a SERIOUS side effect, where poop-splosions are just regular, run-of-the-mill side effects.

Well. Hmmm. That’s not good. Because I GET HEARTBURN EVERY DAY.

How do you know the difference? AM I GOING TO DIE?

The mouth rinse is also stupid. I have to do it twice a day, preferably once in the morning and once before bed. The problem with this is that I cannot eat or drink for two hours once I rinse. That’s fine at night when I’m drooling on my pillow. Not so fine in the morning when I’m hungry and thirsty and ITCHING for the caffeine from my coffee to be racing through my veins.

Oh! And it leaves a nasty taste in your mouth! So even water tastes gross! And food! So! At least it should work wonders on my too-tight pants!

As long as it doesn’t lead to the Kristin Johnsons, I’m calling it a huge victory.

So remember when this happened? The verdict was “your tooth is shit and you are going to need it pulled and get an implant.”

So what did I do? I decided I would ignore it because my dentist cemented the crown back on temporarily and it would last a little while longer. I just wouldn’t eat gummy candy on that side of my mouth.

Done and done!

*makes hand wiping gesture to the computer screen*

I finally bit the bullet and went for a consult a few weeks ago. I knew this was going to be pricey. And drawn out. I figured it would be best to get the first part done this year. That way I could plan ahead for the rest of the procedures with my flexible spending account next year. And/or sell my wilted eggs.

I’m having my tooth pulled on November 18. And then he’s doing a bone graft. And lots of other things that cost a lot of money, aren’t covered by insurance and are necessary because I will need my mouth, teeth and jaw for a lot more years, I hope. (He kept telling me he knew I was going to live into my 90s.)

AND! I’m not getting put under! I’m only doing nitrous because to get put all the way under would have cost me $700 more! Which is ridiculous! I will just deal with the tugging and the pulling and the sawing and all the other unpleasant shit. Hmmmm, maybe I should spend the extra to go under.

The lovely Daisy is going to be a peach and pick me up after surgery. So I full on intend for her to tweet and video tape me in my medically-induced haze. I’d be disappointed if she didn’t.

There is a problem in all of this. Besides being awake for the whole thing and the whole “tooth pulling costing as much as a mortgage payment” thing. Oral surgeon Larry David says there is a bit of an infection in the root of my tooth. (It’s a tooth that had a root canal on it like 20 years ago, so I don’t feel anything.) So in preparation, Surgeon Larry David wants me to take an antibiotic to make sure the infection is all gone.

No big deal, right?

That’s what I was thinking. Until I woke up in a panic in the middle of the night the other night remembering what happened the last time I took antibiotics.

The Kristin Johnsons! POOP IN THE FRIDGE.

So now I’ve got myself all worked up. But I’m going to plan ahead with probiotics now. That way I’ll be all good once I start the antibiotics on Friday.

Because nothing says attractive like a missing tooth and shitting your pants.

#spinstertweets

That and then do an implant. A process that will take 6-18 months and cost me thousands of dollars. So, that’s fun, huh?

My temporary solution is to do nothing and just stare at the oral surgeon referral that is sitting on my desk at work and pretend I don’t see it. Because extra money is something I do not have. Especially thousands of extra monies.

My thinking is I’ll call the oral surgeon next month. We’ll do a consult and then he’ll pull the tooth. And then I’ll fall off the face of the Earth until 2012 when I can put away thousands of monies in my Flexible Spending account to help offset the out-of-pocket costs. And it’s the dentist, if it isn’t a cleaning, there are ALWAYS out-of-pocket costs, even with insurance.

I trust my dentist and she doesn’t recommend things that are cosmetic. And I saw the remnants of my “tooth” and know it’s not much and starting to decay and it’s just better to get the thing pulled.

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I finished Mad Men this weekend. I watched 7 episodes on Sunday. That and laundry was about all I did. Which was fine, seeing as I was a little hungover from the enormous amounts of vodka I sucked down on Saturday. Dear self, just because it seems to have no liquor in it and it is hot out and you’re thirsty doesn’t mean you need to drink it like it is water. You may up puking on the floor in the corner of the bar later in the night. I said MIGHT.

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I ended up buying these Nike flip flops and they are amazeballs. They are so cushy and so comfy and it feels like you’re walking on pillows. They are exactly what I need for commuting in this swamp we call Chicago in July.

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I was on a boat Friday night at the Chicago Yacht Club. It was my first time at a Yacht Club. I got really excited to get my “I’m On A Boat” badge on foursquare, but it turns out, the Chicago Yacht Club isn’t marked as a boating venue. Therefore, no badge for me.

But I did learn a fun game you can play called Yachter or Notta Yachter. It was very entertaining.

I would like to also point out that I had a beer on a yacht on Friday night and that boat ended up winning the 103rd Race to Mackinac Island. Coincidence? I think not.

This will be my pick-up line the next time I end up at a Yacht Club. Something along the lines of “I’m lucky, do you wanna get lucky?”

HEY-OH!

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I think I have finally caught up on my sleep. The weekend before this last one, I was out by my sister’s to help her take care of my niece Maddie since my sister had just had back surgery. And Maddie decided this would be a perfect time to get her one-year molars and NOT SLEEP. And since I’m not really used to any noise while sleeping, besides the fan, the AC or the cats being stupid, hearing a baby fuss (I was sleeping in her room with her), kind of scared the beejeesus out of me. So much so, I leaped out of bed every time she made a peep. And then took me a little longer to fall back asleep. Just in time for her to fuss again.

Needless to say, I didn’t get much rest that weekend. I don’t know how you parental people do it.

Thankfully she’s cute. So I’ll forgive her.

In all honesty, I will be finished with Mad Men by this coming weekend, so I’m thinking I’ll have a lot more time to write, since there is nothing on TV.

Speaking of Mad Men, the Don Draper bot @ replied to me on Twitter and it still make me giddy. Don Draper replied to meeee! TO MEEEEEE! *swoon*

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I actually had a whole post I was going to put here, talking about how tired I am because I was hanging with my niece this weekend, but then this afternoon, I decided to indulge in some Swedish Fish. I know I shouldn’t have, but I was craving some candy and I know that it’s not worth denying it. Unfortunately for me, I’ve been indulging all my cravings lately, which is why I have put back on some of the weight I lost.

Anyway, back to the Swedish Fish. Man, I love them. I love any chewy, fruity candy. In fact, since starting my new job, I may have become addicted to the Sunkist fruit snacks they carry at 7-11 downstairs. It’s too easy to indulge when I just have to take the elevator down to the lobby.

My love of chewy, fruity candy is nothing new. Starburst have been my favorite candy since forever. But I never thought this love affair would come back to bite me.

See, today, as I was eating an obscene amount of Swedish Fish, I felt my tooth, as I bit down. “Hmm,” I thought. “That’s odd.” Deciding to investigate further, I felt around in my mouth in case I had somehow chipped a tooth. “Nope, all teeth present and accounted for,” I lamented. And then I felt my tooth way in the back, the one with the crown on it. And it moved. The fucking porcelain tooth, that is CEMENTED ON, moved. Which means those fucking fish (and years of Starburst, Skittles and fruit snacks) popped my fucking crown loose!

Thankfully, this tooth was a root canal, so I am not in any pain. Not so thankfully is that this tooth had a root canal when I was like 12, and has had a crown on ever since. It has been replaced once. This is not good because there isn’t much of an actual tooth left. So I’m hoping that this doesn’t mean thousands of dollars of dental repairs.

The problem I’m having now, until I can get in to see the dentist tomorrow evening, is that I can’t stop fussing with it. I’ve already wiggled it completely loose and taken it out. And you know what? It reeks. I mean, it’s understandable as it has been in my mouth for like 10 years, but still. I’m not pleased with having dragon breath all day tomorrow until I get to the dentist. (Don’t worry, I stocked up on Altoids after work.)

But even worse than that is my fear that my dentist will tell me I can never have candy, especially Swedish Fish, again.

THE HOOOORRRRRROOOOOORRRRR!!!!

I haven’t been unemployed for that long. It’s only been a little over two months. Not long compared to a lot of people out there right now. But let me say, I jumped right into the unemployed life with both feet back in September. That means I relished my days of sleeping in and watching daytime television and going to Target in the middle of the day. Hell, I’ve been there twice just this week.

And now, abruptly, that is all coming to an end. Well, not that abruptly. I have known about it for a week. So I’ve had plenty of time to get re-acclimated with being up during daylight hours and not staying up until 2 AM and being alert for hours on end. I have had time and I have NOT USED IT! Even today, around 2 PM, I got sleepy and debated taking a nap. Knowing full well that a nap would not be productive to me when I went to lay down my sweet head tonight. But I didn’t succumb. I fought through it by finally catching up on blogs.

Actually, I had grand plans for my last day as a sloth. I was going to get up at a reasonable time (I’m not insane people. It’s still my last day of freedom, I wasn’t going to forgo sleeping in) and then I was going to head downtown and do some shopping, maybe buy myself a new outfit for my first day.

Instead, my tooth had another idea. Because last night I started to get a dull ache in my tooth. The tooth I had the most recent root canal on. The tooth THAT HAS NO NERVE. Yes, the tooth with no nerve was aching. The day before I was set to go back to work. When I would no longer have oodles of time in the middle of the day. Oodles of time to say, SCHEDULE DENTIST APPOINTMENTS.

So I called my dentist. They said to call the root canal specialist I saw a few weeks ago. I pleaded with them and told them my situation. I think it went a bit like “I can’t be that girl that has to take time off within a week of starting her new job. WAH.” And they understood. Also, they asked me questions and figured out that my bite was probably uneven and because of that and because I grind my teeth at night (more so lately because of new job nerves) I was probably causing some pain to the bone.

They got me in right then. They fixed the bite (which, I won’t even point out was messed up when the LAST asshat dentist put the crown on) and then she filled it with more of a longer lasting temporary filling. So that I can wait until January 1, when I have dental insurance again, to get the crown filled. And on top of all this accommodating, IT WAS FREE.

Let me just say, I’m SO glad I sent the thank you note. I love this dentist! I wish they did more than root canals. (Case in point, when I came in, I was all “thank you so much for squeezing me in!” And the awesome dentist was all “of course! Thank you for not sitting around in pain.” Love. her.)

After that, I was too tired and too lazy to go shopping. So I came home and caught up on my DVR and just relaxed and enjoyed my last day off. It was a very nice relaxing day.

Now I should figure out what I’m wearing tomorrow and maybe actually get some sleep. So that I can actually be alert and awake for 9 hours tomorrow while I’m at WORK. At a JOB. Because I haven’t done that for quite some time.

Wish me luck!

When we last left our heroine, Kristabella, she was in immense pain from a rotting tooth and had thrown a tantrum and stormed out of her dentist’s office. This left her back at square one with the task of having to find a new dentist and one soon before she burned a whole in her stomach from all the Advil she was taking.

Today Kristabella had her sorely needed root canal appointment. After hugging her new dentist and not letting go for an inappropriate amount of time, she is now recovering just fine in the comforts of her own home after having many fruity drinks named The Tootie and Blair at the Reagle Beagle tonight with Hotfessional, Kim and Stephanie.

And now since Kristabella cannot keep up this whole third-person nonsense, she will totally break all sorts of rules of writing and switch point of view. Because she is lazy and stupid. And hopped up on alcohol and pain killers, wheeeeee!

I would like to say how much I love this new dentist. I was a bit afraid of telling her my sordid tale of storming out of the last dentist’s office because I was yelled at. Because seriously, when you say it out loud, I really look like a fucking wuss. But then this new dentist lady, who was only my dentist for today because she’s a root canal only dentist, was all “no, you were very brave for what you did. People already hate going to the dentist, you should feel comfortable there.” And then I was like THANK YOU! I LOVE YOU! IS IT OKAY IF I LICK YOUR FACE?

I explained to her the situation with my tooth. I told her that this tooth had quite a deep cavity in it, and yet the old bitchtastic dentist put the crown on anyway. I told her that it had always been sensitive and it has just gotten worse.

Then new dentist was all “so when old dentist did this filling and put on this crown, you felt everything didn’t you? You couldn’t get numbed up, right? You felt the whole filling? The Novocaine didn’t work.” And I just looked at her, mouth agape, and whispered “yes, how did you know?”

So she says “because it is CLEAR AS DAY that you’re tooth is irritated and has been for some time and that dentist SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT AND NOT PUT ON THAT CROWN IN THE FIRST PLACE!”

And then I hugged her again. I felt so relieved and vindicated that it wasn’t me. I didn’t overreact. There was a problem there that should have been fixed back months ago. And I was right to question it and then SWITCH to a more competent dentist. I could have shed tears of joy.

The procedure went awesomely. I didn’t feel anything. She made sure that if I felt anything, she gave me more Novocaine. And even better was the fact that she talked to me during the whole thing. She told me what she was doing. Old dentist never did that before and it is so frustrating! It is so hard to tell me what you’re doing inside my mouth? No, old fucking asshat dentists, IT IS NOT HARD.

And then when I left they gave me some pain medicine, a breath mint and a little bottle of water. It was just so thoughtful.

I know you all told me months ago to switch dentists. And I didn’t because I didn’t want the added costs for switching. So I just wanted to tell all of you today, that you were right. I should have switched MONTHS AGO. Today I realized how a dentist appointment should go. How you should be treated at the dentist. It was worth the large sum of money I had to pay out of my pocket. I just wish I would have listened to all of you all those months ago. You are welcome to say “I told you so.”

And really, I knew I would love her when her magazine collection included Food & Wine.

So would it be weird to send her a thank you note? And maybe a cookie basket?