I picked three winners randomly and they are………

Jen!

Mary!

And Fronz!

Congrats everyone! I’ll email you all your free codes for the cards!

So when Shutterfly approached me and asked if I wanted to give away some free cards to some of my readers, I jumped at the chance! Because you all should be able to send out holiday cards as awesome as this:

I’m still holding out hope that I run into Rahm in the next few weeks to make this year’s holiday card EPIC! He’s on my list, along with John Paxson and Jim McMahon. They are the holiday card Mecca for me!

And Shutterfly has some great new designs for your holiday cards. Check out some of them from their photo Christmas cards:

Or some from their collection of holiday cards:

And you can even select some thank you cards to send out after you receive many lavish gifts!

I have codes for 25 free cards to give to three of you (THREE!)! All you have to do is leave a comment and tell me what card you like best from the Shutterfly collection, or if you’re planning on sending holiday cards this year to family and friends.

The contest will run for one week and comments will close at 11:59 PM (Central) on Saturday, November 5, 2011. I will pick three winners at random from the commenters and send them their code for free cards!

Easy as holiday pie!

Good luck!

I have partnered with Shutterfly to help promote Shutterfly’s 2011 holiday cards. I have not been compensated for my time, but I was given product to facilitate my review. My opinions are entirely my own and I am not paid to publish positive comments.

Well, if you’re not the winner, take it up with the Random Number Generator Thingy.

First off, I had to count the comments since some of you commented twice (which didn’t count) and my mom also commented and she has a shirt.

So, there were 37 entries. And the first winner is…

Denora!

The second winner is….

Moose! (And yes, I only counted one of her comments.)

Congrats ladies! Email me at fullofsnark at gmail dot com what item, size, color that you choose! Oh, and send me your address too, so I can ship it out to you!

Thanks for participating everyone! I’ll have to do this again soon! Bacon likes the attention.

For my 200th post, I wrote something stupid. (See what I mean about bad posts?) The next day I wrote a 201 Things post. (If you want to know almost everything about me, then read that.)

For my 400th post, I gave away some bacon goodies.

For my 500th post, I complained about being tired. Which pretty much sums up this blog in a nutshell.

And for this, my 600th post, I give away nothing!

No! I kid! Come back!

I actually decided that I’m going to give away not one, but two, COUNT ‘EM TWO, Bacon shirts. To TWO lucky winners!

So I have two Cafepress stores. They both sell Bacon items. One contains items that don’t have the word fuck on it, the other store contains only items WITH the word fuck on it.

You get your pick! Without:

Or with:

(That’s actually a mousepad, but shows the design better.)

So browse the two shops and pick out one shirt (or mousepad or bib or onesie) to call your own, if you’re one of the two lucky winners.

To enter, you just have to leave a comment (only one entry per person. Sorry, I’m a comment whore, but not that much. I mean, I am President of the Lazy Club.) It’s that easy! To make it even easier, your comment should contain 600 words EXACTLY about why I am the most awesomest person in the world.

No! I kid! I keed!

But, if you need help on what to write a comment about and don’t feel like blowing sunshine up my ass (although, that is always welcome! Such a refreshing feeling, sunshine up the ass!), please tell my your favorite breakfast cereal. Today mine is Cookie Crisp. Because that is what I had for dinner. I even braved the grocery store two days before Thanksgiving with all the idiots of the world in order to acquire said Cookie Crisp.

Good luck! And have a happy BaconThanksgiving everyone!

Fine print: Contest will close at midnight Central time on Monday, November 30 sometime on Tuesday, December 1. Whenever I get around to it. Winners will be chosen from comments with use of one of those random number generator thingys. If you win a shirt, you have to promise to actually wear it. And possibly photograph yourself in it. Or I’ll take it back. Bribes are accepted. But have no bearing on the outcome. Because winners are chosen randomly. Note to potential bribers – I like cookies. And Swedish fish. And cake without fruit in it. And booze. And money.

It’s also pretty slow in the blog world. Most people are on vacation or taking a needed break from blogging and spending time with their family. I mean, sometimes that laptop attached to your hip and Twittering from the bathroom can totally get tiring. Sometimes we all need a break.

While I am working this week (every day but Thursday), I am mentally on vacation when it comes to blogging. My creative juices, they are frozen like the snow that held my car hostage for four days. Well, either that or my brain has melted into liquid from all the said trashy reality shows. Nothing a bottle, or seven, of wine can’t fix, right?

So in lieu of a real post, I figured I would announce the winners for the books I have to give away! Because it is the giving season.

The first book I have to giveaway is the one I reviewed. It’s called You Lost Him At Hello. I was quite shocked there were not a lot of takers for a free book. I mean, did my review sway you in any way? Because in case I didn’t make it clear, I HATED that book. I tried to be nice and not call out the author for being a groupie and a game player. And in exchange, I think I sold a little piece of my soul.

So, the winner of that book is Stef! Because she actually wanted it! And she said my bangs were cute! So Stef, email your mailing address to me at fullofsnark at gmail dot com and I’ll get that in the mail for you!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next contest was for Eileen Cook’s new book, What Would Emma Do? I will tell you that I finished the book this weekend and it was good! It was filled will all kinds of teen angst and drama! And it was funny! I hope you all enjoy it!

I would like to say I did this randomly, but I am a sucker for compliments! So I chose who I wanted to. Also, I would hope if you read the book and like it and you have a blog, you’ll spread the word for my friend, the author, Eileen Cook.

Winner the first – Casey! Because she’s a friend of my friends Betsey and Hoddy. And I like to be welcoming to new readers. And I would like her to come back again and again. And also, she’s a school librarian and can spread the word to all sorts of young adults about the book!

Winner the second – R! Because R just had a baby and I’m sure she has loads of time to read! I mean, really, how hard can parenting be? Also, her baby B is just the cutest! And has the most adorable nose!

So if you’re one of the winners, please email me with your mailing address (fullofsnark at gmail dot com) and I’ll get those books out to all of you. Congrats!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finally, are you looking for a last-minute holiday gift? Are you a selfish whore and tired of shopping for everyone else? Looking for a good book to read? Then be sure to pick up your copy of What Would Emma Do? by Eileen Cook. It is in stores on now. You can buy it here.

Don’t buy it because I say so. I mean, YES! But it because I said so! Eileen has bills to pay!

But also, buy it because Eileen is awesome and nice and I totally know her. I met her in person and she even sometimes emails me. And she, like, WRITES BOOKS! FOR A LIVING!

Buy it because you know you love young adult books. I mean, Twilight wouldn’t be nearly as popular if it was meant for adults.

Buy it because Emma kisses her best friend’s boyfriend. (GASP!) Oh, the teen angsty drama that can ensue. It is no different than adult angsty drama.

Buy it because you’re dying to know what Emma did.

And finally buy it because while I’m sure Eileen won’t confirm this, but she totally named this book after Bacon. All those times of wondering What Would Bacon Do seeped into her subconscious. Right Eileen?

Also while you’re buying her new book, be sure to check out her debut novel, Unpredictable.

And no she didn’t pay me to write this. If you write books and you’re nice to me, I will become your pimping machine. I am easily bought.  Because apparently I have found that you can never say “my friend, the author” too many times while amongst groups of people.

In the spirit of the season, I will be giving away two copies of the book to two random commenters on this post. Because to keep writing books, authors need to have people buy the books. So I’m doing my part to make sure MY FRIEND EILEEN, THE AUTHOR, gets to keep writing and doing what she loves.

So leave a comment on this post to be entered into the drawing. Bacon will pick a winner sometime after the holidays. And remember, Bacon and I can be bought with compliments. We never tire of you all telling us how pretty (me) and tasty (Bacon) we are.

Good luck!

Oh hello there, readers. What? Where have I been? I have been melting into a pool of my own sweat and tears because I am going to be UNEMPLOYED at the end of the week and what the fuck is up with this heat wave? Don’t tease me with temps in the 70 last week and then bust out the 90s one last time, Mother Nature. You should be fired. Your services are no longer needed here.

So where have I really been? Drunk mostly. And sleeping. And eating a lot of grilled cheese sandwiches because I am too hot and lazy to go to the grocery store to buy real food. I would have never have thought I could get tired of grilled cheese until I decided to eat it four days in a row.

(THIS is what you’ve all been missing on my blog, haven’t you?)

So I’m here to update you on all my goings on. Which I’ve pretty much summed up with UNEMPLOYED, DRUNK, HOT and GRILLED CHEESE SAMMICHES.

Job Update:

My last day is this coming Friday. I have four days left. Really only three since I just have to come in for like an hour on Friday. But since I still have to wake up early, it counts.

I’m not sure how I feel. Well, that’s a lie. I am freaking out. I’m a little nervous. Ideally I wanted to not have a job by my last day because I would like to take some time off and then be all refreshed when I start my new gig. But there is that little voice inside me that is all “HOLY FUCKING SHITBALLS! YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO FIND ANYTHING! THEN WHAT WILL YOU DO WHEN THE SEVERANCE RUNS OUT? WHAT??? HUH? WHAT? SUCKA!”

And really, I can only quiet that voice with lots and lots of alcohol. Because shut the fuck up, Voice. We will cross that bridge when we come to it and NO MORE BEER FOR YOU.

Job Interview Update:

Thank you to all of you who commented on my last post which was like a week ago. (That was a long stretch, huh?) I made the decision to tell the job in the suburbs that I was offered another job and that I had to remove my name from consideration and I thanked them for their time and wished them luck on finding an ideal candidate. (How professional sounding, right?)

The Voice did not like this one bit. Voice is all “THIS WILL BE THE ONLY JOB YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN OFFERED! WE WILL LIVE ON RAMEN NOODLES AND BOONE’S FARM! OH, THE HUMANITY!”

So then I drank more to shut up Voice and now Liver and I are in a big fight because Liver is all “GROW SOME BALLS AND SHUT UP THAT VOICE, BITCH! I NEED TO FUNCTION FOR MANY MORE YEARS TO COME!”

Last week I had my interview with the one job I’m very interested in. I think it went well. I had a writing test, and while I wasn’t super familiar with the material, I think I did OK with it. The hardest thing was making a 300-word bio down to 50. That’s easy peasey since that’s all I did at the Niners was write bios. But 50 words is not a log when the person has worked for 2 companies that each have 10 words in them. So yeah. That and I’m a wordy motherfucker.

So I haven’t heard anything from them yet, but I know they had other people to see and it was a holiday weekend, so I’m going to give them a call on Tuesday and see where I stand.

I also got another call on Thursday so I think Voice is starting to chill the fuck out. And if neither of those work, we’ll go back to the drawing board. And go buy a few 40-ounce Colt 45s for Voice.

Why People Don’t Talk To Strangers Update:

Last week I had a really nice time at the sales conference. This group of people were huge fans of mine for some odd reason. Probably because I am bitter about leaving and don’t sugarcoat anything. Oh, wait. I’m like that normally.

Anyway, last Sunday night, they were all out at a bar. I went down to the lobby bar looking for the group, only to find no one there. Thankfully I saw one of the attendees coming around the corner and he told me everyone was next door. So when I went over there, I learned what it must be like to be a celebrity. Everyone was so excited to see me and yelling my name and giving me hugs and buying me drinks. It was AWESOME.

So needless to say, the week was a lot of fun. Especially since I had nothing more to do than sit in the back of the room and play Sudoku.

Wednesday night, we went out to a bar with karaoke. Because I may have drunkenly mentioned my skill at singing Baby Got Back. And of course they all wanted to see it. So we headed to a bar and took a seat. We sat right next to a table full of Chicago cops, who were eating dinner. Because no one should arrest a bunch of drunk and disorderly people on a full stomach.

As we were waiting for the karaoke to get started, we played trivia. The cops played trivia too. Being a few beers in, and also an IDIOT, I decided to trash talk the cops. Because the one dude, who totally checked me out when he came in, was kicking our ass. So I decided to take off my shirt and dance naked in front of him and his club sammich. It did not work.

Since he wouldn’t bite, I decided to talk to one of the other cops, a very nice policeman, when he was getting up to leave. I wanted to know about his wardrobe selection and why some of them had dark blue bullet-proof vests on and others had light blue. (It’s a personal choice.)

We then got to talking and I started kidding him about taunting the other cops, trying to psyche them out during trivia and didn’t he like my shirtless table dance? (He did.) And then I told him how the one cop, McGruff the Crime Dog, was not friendly. And then I joked to Nice Cop that McGruff got so irritated with me that he gave me a HUGE bruise on the back of my arm. (Yes. I actually said that out loud.)

And then Nice Cop went all Serious Copper on my ass. He started asking me what happened and if the guy next to me did it. He even went so far as to measure the guy’s thumb print to see if it would make a bruise like the one on my arm.

Want to know what I said? (You actually don’t.) So then I was like “Actually, I got it from a rough night. I told him NO MEANS NO!” (*smacks head on table*)

Copper did NOT find me funny and I finally told him that I banged it on the door frame of my car when I was getting in one day because I am a fucking klutz and I bruise like a peach. And then I batted my eyes at him until he went away and am glad he didn’t ask me my name and address.

And then I thought “This is why Heather B. does not like to talk to strangers. Point taken Heather.”

And then I sang Baby Got Back to a crowd of strangers and one of the sales guys took a video of it. That I might share. But it was well-received by the whole group the next day and solidified my rock star status.

Misc. Updates:

• I have not been on the computer much in the last week. I’m way behind on my reader. Thankfully I should have some idle time this week during working hours to catch up, hopefully.
• Saturday night I went to a rooftop party with my friends Shelly and Stacy and ended up making out with a gay guy. Well, he thinks he’s straight, but everyone else at the party is pretty sure he’s not. And he did this weird thing with his mouth when he talked, like an old person would do when talking without their dentures. It was weird. He was weird. And it was just gross.
• And then I got hit on by a seemingly nice, funny guy. Who was 23 and lived at home with his parents and had no job. He didn’t see why this was a problem. NEXT!
• I had a dream this afternoon during my nap about my ex-boyfriend, who may or may not still read this site. I’ll just say it was very real and very out of the blue because I haven’t thought about him for about a year.

Bacon Update:

FINALLY! I’m going to announce the winners of the Bacon contest! And since I’m lazy and sweaty and full of grilled cheese, I’ve decided to use random.org to decide the winner. Because then I can’t feel guilty if someone didn’t win. You’ll have to take it up with a COMPUTER!

First, the winner of the Bacon vs. Tofu figurines is…

Allison! Which works out well since she actually wanted them and had plans for them!

And the Bacon Band-Aids go to…

Melissa! Who will wear them for her appointments with Dr. Hottie.

Congrats ladies, email your mailing address to me at fullofsnark (at) gmail (dot) com.

I’m definitely doing another Bacon giveaway in the near future!

And finally, I need some book suggestions. I’m going to have a bit of time on my hands and I’m out of books to read. Suggest away in the comments!

I loved, loved reading all your road trip stories! I myself am a huge fan of road trips. I really don’t mind driving anywhere. Which comes in helpful when you go to college in Arizona and drive back and forth every May and August, and also when you move from CA to Chicago and are too cheap unemployed to pay someone to drive it for you.

Without further a-do, it is now time to reveal the winner of the Driving Sideways book contest!

First, I put all the names in a bowl. Similar (read: exactly) to the last time.

And then Bacon drew out a name.

And the winner is Kristie! Congrats lady! Email me your mailing address and I’ll send it out you. I would say soon, but let’s face it, the last contest winners just got their Jen Lancaster books.

For those of you who didn’t win, don’t forget to go out and buy your copy of Driving Sideways right now! And be sure to drop by and tell Jess that she is fabulous!

Also, you will notice that Bacon looks like he’s been through the ringer in that photo above. Stay tuned for his stories about all his escapades in San Francisco. He’s very excited to have made it out in public and have some battle scars from his outing.

Thankfully, I got to hang out with her since then, in a quieter atmosphere. And knew I loved her for life when she almost passed out from excitement and the internal squeeeeing after sitting next to Jen Lancaster at Eileen Cook’s book signing.

(Ohmygod, I like know all these authors now and isn’t that the coolest?) 

Jess is a talented, funny, beautiful author who just had her first novel released! I love her and she’s from Wisconsin. And that is saying a lot since I generally hate all things Wisconsin. And since I’m willing to whore myself out for free books for myself (and for one lucky reader, of course), I’ve agreed to help pimp her new novel, Driving Sideways.

Here is the description of Driving Sideways from Amazon:

Leigh Fielding wants a life. Seriously. Having spent the past five years on dialysis, she has one simple wish: to make it to her thirtieth birthday. Now, thanks to the generosity of the late Larry Resnick and his transplanted kidney, it looks like her wish may come true.

With her newfound vitality (and Larry’s kidney) in tow, Leigh hits the road for an excursion that will carry her from Wisconsin to California, with a few stops in between: Mount Rushmore, the Badlands, the Rockies, Las Vegas–and a memorable visit to thank Larry’s family for the second chance.

Yet Leigh’s itinerary takes a sudden detour when she picks up a seventeen-year-old hitchhiker, Denise, a runaway with a bunch of stories and a couple of secrets. Add a long-lost mother, a loaded gun, an RV full of swingers, and Hall and Oates’s Greatest Hits to the mix, and Driving Sideways becomes a hilarious and original journey of friendship, hope, and discovery.

In addition, Jen Lancaster thought it was so phenomenal she wrote the cover quote for Jess. Which, is a big deal in the book world.

So in advance of all the accolades and fame and fortune which will be bestowed on Jess in the very near future from her debut novel, I asked her if she had any pressing questions that Bacon might be able to answer for her. You know, in case there were some things keeping her awake at night that could only be answered by “Hang Out With Hash Browns.”

She told me that yes! Yes, she had something she just HAD to ask Bacon. Because she too is a fan of Bacon. (Who isn’t really?)

Jess: Dear all-knowing and wise Bacon, I sent a copy of Driving Sideways (out now in bookstores or available for purchase online, go get your copy today!) to Cojo (aka Steven Cojocaru for those of you not in the know) because he has PKD and a kidney transplant. Will Cojo like my book?

Bacon: Well, Jess, who wouldn’t love your book Driving Sideways (available for an amazing price on Amazon.com and eligible for FREE Super Save Shipping! Buy yours today!)? Cojo will read you book and then he will “Put the ‘B’ in BLT” and BROADCAST to the world that your book is fabulous and that EVERYONE MUST READ IT!

Jess: Bacon, you are the best! Thank you! But Bacon, if that is the case, does this mean that I have to stop wearing my dirty flip-flops out in public?

Bacon: Well, yes. One, because when Cojo BROADCASTS to the WORLD how fabulous your book is, you’ll be able to buy all the $5 flip-flops your heart desires. And also your arms will be so tired from carrying around all the big bags of money! And two, Bacon says “Smoke” because you need to burn those nasty-ass, dirty flip flops and buy you a new pair, honey.

(And apparently Bacon just turned into Miss J from America’s Next Top Model. I knew watching eight straight hours of that this weekend would come back to haunt me.)

In honor of Jess and all her fabulousness, I am giving away one SIGNED COPY of Driving Sideways to a lucky reader!

To enter, leave a comment about your best (or worst) road trip story. Or say nice things about me and/or Jess. Flattery will get you everywhere! Winners will be chosen by Bacon in a random drawing next week after we get back from San Francisco. The contest will end Monday, June 2.

Good luck! And tell all of your friends to go out and buy Driving Sideways so that Jess can stop walking around Wisconsin in nasty, dirty flip-flops. (Note: Dirty flip-flops not featured on cover.) 

Apparently I’m like a predictor of trends because last year I thought it would be PACKED at Jen’s signing so I got there way early. Only to not have the chairs even set up. This year we get there BEFORE 6:30 (which is more than an hour before she even arrived in the building) and there were only a few seats left! It was standing room only and people were lined up throughout the stacks of books. It was insane. In the membrane.

Second, I need to tell you that being in a room full of that many Jen Lancaster fans and having the author point to you and yell “I totally know her!” will never, ever in one million years get old.

It also makes it a lot easier to take up tons of time talking to her while getting five books signed while the masses wait patiently for their turn.

I also turned my friend Lori into a huge Jen Lancaster fan and she can’t wait to read all the books.

Jen was thrown off by the crowd of 10,000 but was just as awesome as always and takes a real, genuine interest in her fans. And she looked so pretty in her new dress. And she totally said OUT LOUD in front of STRANGERS that she totally knows me.

Enough about me and my total awesomeness. On to the winners of the contest!

First, I typed up all the names and put them in a bowl. Like so.

And then Bacon took a gander. And got prepared to pick out the winners.

And the winners are…

Lara and Slynnro! Congratulations! And it was not rigged and Slynnro did not win because she actually has to share a room with me for three whole nights in San Francisco at BlogHer. But when I stumble into the room drunk, I’ll be sure to remind her “remember when I won you that book?”

Email me at fullofsnark (at) gmail (dot) com with your addresses so I can mail the books out to you.

Thanks to everyone who entered. I can’t do any more contests because I want everyone to win, especially since I’m so the girl who never wins ANYTHING. And then I asked to you say nice things about me and over 50 of you still didn’t win.

So you are all wonderfully beautiful people. And your ass looks fantastic in those pants.