Well, if you’re not the winner, take it up with the Random Number Generator Thingy.

First off, I had to count the comments since some of you commented twice (which didn’t count) and my mom also commented and she has a shirt.

So, there were 37 entries. And the first winner is…

Denora!

The second winner is….

Moose! (And yes, I only counted one of her comments.)

Congrats ladies! Email me at fullofsnark at gmail dot com what item, size, color that you choose! Oh, and send me your address too, so I can ship it out to you!

Thanks for participating everyone! I’ll have to do this again soon! Bacon likes the attention.

For my 200th post, I wrote something stupid. (See what I mean about bad posts?) The next day I wrote a 201 Things post. (If you want to know almost everything about me, then read that.)

For my 400th post, I gave away some bacon goodies.

For my 500th post, I complained about being tired. Which pretty much sums up this blog in a nutshell.

And for this, my 600th post, I give away nothing!

No! I kid! Come back!

I actually decided that I’m going to give away not one, but two, COUNT ‘EM TWO, Bacon shirts. To TWO lucky winners!

So I have two Cafepress stores. They both sell Bacon items. One contains items that don’t have the word fuck on it, the other store contains only items WITH the word fuck on it.

You get your pick! Without:

Or with:

(That’s actually a mousepad, but shows the design better.)

So browse the two shops and pick out one shirt (or mousepad or bib or onesie) to call your own, if you’re one of the two lucky winners.

To enter, you just have to leave a comment (only one entry per person. Sorry, I’m a comment whore, but not that much. I mean, I am President of the Lazy Club.) It’s that easy! To make it even easier, your comment should contain 600 words EXACTLY about why I am the most awesomest person in the world.

No! I kid! I keed!

But, if you need help on what to write a comment about and don’t feel like blowing sunshine up my ass (although, that is always welcome! Such a refreshing feeling, sunshine up the ass!), please tell my your favorite breakfast cereal. Today mine is Cookie Crisp. Because that is what I had for dinner. I even braved the grocery store two days before Thanksgiving with all the idiots of the world in order to acquire said Cookie Crisp.

Good luck! And have a happy BaconThanksgiving everyone!

Fine print: Contest will close at midnight Central time on Monday, November 30 sometime on Tuesday, December 1. Whenever I get around to it. Winners will be chosen from comments with use of one of those random number generator thingys. If you win a shirt, you have to promise to actually wear it. And possibly photograph yourself in it. Or I’ll take it back. Bribes are accepted. But have no bearing on the outcome. Because winners are chosen randomly. Note to potential bribers – I like cookies. And Swedish fish. And cake without fruit in it. And booze. And money.

This year Bacon threatened me to not let that happen again this year. That I HAD to take him along and actually take him out of the bag and introduce him to his loyal fans. He basically told me if I didn’t, he wouldn’t be part of this blog anymore. And I told him “I do not take idle threats from a MEAT FOLDER. So shut your fucking meat face, sir.”

The following is his account of the BlogHer weekend. That he again spent inside my laptop bag the entire weekend. I’m letting him share his story so that he stops telling me to “Sizzle” and “Put the B in BLT”.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi-dee-ho, Kristabella readers, it’s Bacon here. And Bacon is about to tell you the sob stories of all sob stories. About how Bacon could have been fawned over and regaled by over 1,000 people and yet, Bacon wasn’t even allowed out of the computer bag. FOR SHAME, KRISTABELLA! FOR SHAME.

So in case you were wondering, this is where Bacon spent the whole weekend of BlogHer 2009:

It was CRAMPED! And hot! And Bacon was thirsty (he is a salty, cured meat you know) and hungry and all Bacon wanted was some attention! CUE THE WAH-MBULANCE!

Bacon was so excited to make an appearance this year. This was like Bacon’s cotillion! Bacon was going to be presented to society! Of blogging-type people!

But noooooo. Bacon missed out on it all. Bacon missed out on hanging with all the fabulous ladies that shared a room with Bacon and Kristabella. Bacon even heard that two of them didn’t really eat Bacon, which automatically made them BACON’S FAVORITE PEOPLE ON THE PLANET! Bacon representing for Kosher Jews everywhere! Holla!

Bacon would hear them laughing and telling stories and having a grand old time, just PRAYING that Bacon would get to come out and join the party. But did Bacon get to come out? NO. Bacon was STUCK! And then they would leave and it would get really quiet and sometimes that cleaning lady would get a little fresh with Bacon. BACON IS NOT JUST A PIECE OF MEAT, LADIES! Um, well, yeah.

After getting fondled by Luisa the cleaning woman (hola, mi amor), the ladies would come back and laugh some more and eat chocolate Chex and talk about clothes. And then they’d change and be off again. Probably to eat because one of them is gluten-free, whatever that means. In a quick Google search, Bacon discovered that a certain salty, cured meat is gluten-free. BACON, FTW!

(Bacon didn’t actually know what FTW meant. He saw Kristabella type it once into Google, because she’s lame and didn’t know what it meant either, but she wouldn’t let him look. Bacon says “FML”.)

Bacon didn’t get to go to the Expo. Or get lots of free stuff, like 17 flash drives or free socks or free laundry detergent. Bacon also didn’t get to meet life-sized dogs, either. And Bacon loves dogs. Because dogs? ARE NOT CATS!

(Photo courtesy of Ali)

And then the parties! Lo, the parties they all talked about. Bacon didn’t get to go to any of those. And did you know there was a UNICORN THERE? Bacon thought unicorns were fake, just like people probably think Bacon is fake because HE NEVER COMES OUT! Or maybe people think Bacon is a vampire. He heard there was one of those at the party too.

(Photo courtesy of Angella)

And then there was some sort of CheeseburgHer party? Which, hello! BACON AND CHEESEBURGERS GO TOGETHER LIKE FAT KIDS AND CAKE! Or wine and more wine! Which is to say, A PERFECT MATCH!

When Kristabella got home, she went through her swag. And she was all “hey Bacon! Check out my swag! It’s a Potato Head!”

And Bacon is all “FUCK YOU WOMAN! I don’t want your swag and go tell that fucking potato head to Hang Out With Hashbrowns!” And that sent Bacon into a fit of giggles, laughing at his own hilariousness.

But Kristabella was persistent, she was all “NO, for reals Bacon, come check it out!”

So Bacon did. And Bacon fell in love. Look at those arms, aren’t they just made for hugging?

So Bacon forgives Kristabella this year. But next year he’s going to glue himself to her ass at BlogHer in New York City to see how she likes it! Because Bacon knows that’s where all the bacon she eats ends up anyway.

Hi-OH!

Bacon, out.

Anyway, sometimes the internet is so awesome and it reminds you why you joined the blogging community in the first place. Today when I got home, from a typical shitty Monday, I had a package waiting for me. Regan told me that she was sending me something and little did I know how awesome it is.

Behold, my newest possession!

It is a beer mug! With BACON ON IT! How fucking awesome is it? Regan is the best! Friend! Ever! It totally turned my Monday into a FUNDAY!

So I figured New Bacon should meet Old Bacon. They were a little hesitant at first.

Glass Bacon was a tad frightened by the height of Folder Bacon. But she warmed up to the elder Bacon quickly.

And then it just got inappropriate and I told them to just get a room!

Regan, Folder Bacon would like to personally thank you for giving him something to be excited about. And something to take his mind off the cats. And he would say “Regan, Put the ‘B’ in BLT where the B stands for BOO YAH, you are the Bomb Diggity!”

Bacon is also clearly stuck in the mid-90s.

I actually took Bacon to Arizona with me. Because he was going to be hanging out with old friends, friends he hung out with in San Francisco last May. (That was probably his favorite trip and also one of my favorite posts. It inspired a t-shirt.) But in Arizona, he didn’t make it out of the bag. Well, he did once. I thought Lola, Lori’s dog, would try to eat it. NOM NOM NOM. And that would be funny. Well, not to Bacon. But Lola is afraid of moving things that aren’t alive. Like suitcases that roll. Or Bacon wheels that spin. And even though Lola was afraid, Bacon still soiled himself out of fear and actually requested to be put back in the bag until we landed safely in Chicago. Next time he complains about the cats, I’m going to remind him he’s one of them because he’s a pussy. I mean, how can you be afraid of her?

So for Bacon’s 2009 debut, he’s going to answer some recent Google searches. Only to show all of you the idiots who use Google and the things they ask. The things they ask a search engine.

Embarrassed about scrapbooking

Well, random Google searcher, Bacon says if you’re embarrassed by it, then STOP DOING IT. YOU SHOULD BE EMBARRASSED. Scrapbooking is for losers! (Except any of you reading this that scrapbook. Then you are not losers. Possibly.) Bacon thinks you should “Hang Out With Hash Browns” because Hash Browns are the total losers in the breakfast food category. They drown their sorrows by scrapbooking about living in a world where people eat nothing but Hash Browns for breakfast and have never heard of eggs, sausage or Bacon. You’d fit right in.

Zantac tastes like what candy

Candy? Bacon doesn’t understand why you would want to take something that tastes like candy. Wouldn’t you rather eat Bacon candy? Or take pills that taste like Bacon? Bacon thinks you would, Zantac taker, because if you’re taking Zantac, you shouldn’t be eating Bacon in the first place, since it will only make the problem worse. Bacon knows this because all Kristabella ever talks about is acid reflux and all the things she can’t eat, WAH. But for you, Google searcher wanting to know what candy Zantac tastes like (ed note: none. Also, you’re not supposed to CHEW it), Bacon says you should “Liven Up A Salad.” And Bacon wants to remind you to use a lot of vinegar-based dressing on that salad so that you can eat as many Zantac as you’d like.

Sometimes I hate

Bacon would like to finish this for you. “Sometimes I hate stupid people. Actually, ALL THE TIMES, I hate stupid people.” But Bacon really wonders about this Google searcher. Was she looking for suggestions on what to hate? Did she get called out for being too even-keeled and not hating things? So she was looking for ideas? How hard is it to find things to hate? Bacon thinks she should hate the computer and never go on it again looking for things to hate. Bacon also thinks she should “Shrivel” into the cushions of her couch and stay there for all of time. Or until someone vacuums up her ashen remains.

Getting home now…what a tired day

These are the types of searches that make Bacon’s meat head explode. It is stupidity like this that reminds Bacon that he’s better off just chilling out on the coffee table and having a three month hiatus from this blog. Because Bacon wants to remind this person that Google is NOT TWITTER. That box on the Google homepage is a SEARCH box. Not a “here’s what I’m doing right now” box. Google does not ask you what you are doing. Google does not care. Google provides answers. And his only answer to this one is the same as Bacon’s – “Put the ‘B’ in BLT” where B stands for BACK AWAY FROM THE GOOGLE HOMEPAGE. And stop typing butt-ass stupid things in the Google search box.

See, aren’t we all glad to have Bacon back in our lives?

It was good to see everyone and play with Noah and Skyler. I decided to bring over a treat for the kids. See a few months back, Melissa sent me an awesome care package full of all things Bacon. There were Bacon air fresheners, Bacon floss, Bacon toothpicks and the creme de la creme, Bacon CANDY!

Thankfully, it isn’t supposed to taste like bacon. See, it has a STRAWBERRY FLAVOR! It looks so real!

After Melissa sent it, she told me I had to try it. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. It would be one thing if you didn’t have to look at it and know it looked like raw Bacon. So I figured “hey, kids love candy! They’ll eat it! They eat anything that isn’t good for them.”

And they tried it. Without any coaxing. Because they somehow KNEW it was candy without us telling them. They have some sort of weird candy sixth sense. Of course we encouraged them. “They are just like gummy treats!” we told them.

I made them each pose with their Gummy Bacon. Noah dug right in. Figuring that Auntie would not make him eat something disgusting.

Skyler tried it. Her verdict? “This is GROSS.”

I tried it too, just to say that I did. It was disgusting. I gagged a little. I think it was more of the visual. But it wasn’t very gummy, it was kind of hard to chew. The strawberry flavor was real weak, so it was like you were chewing on wax. That looked like raw bacon. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little just thinking about it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you want some of your own Bacon for the holidays, something better than Gummy Bacon, don’t forget to buy all your loved ones a What Would Bacon Do shirt! They come in two styles.

Clean:

Dirty:

Order yours today. We have a variety of items to choose from, ranging from mousepads to infant and toddler gifts, to men’s and women’s apparel. And this Bacon is Kosher!

Won’t you make someone’s holiday Bacerriffic by giving them what we all deserve, BACON GIFTS!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Bacon,

Can you please help a girl out with the robocalls? You see, I work all day at a lousy stinkin’ job and come home all optimistic that the evening will be more fun. Imagine my delight when my answering machine cheerily greets me with 17! new! messages! SQUEE, right? Only they are all automatons beseeching me to vote for their person on November 4th. If I leave an outbound message that says I’ve already voted early, do you think the robocalls will understand this?

Timeliness my forte,

Bikerchick Barb

Dear Barb,

SEE! I TOLD YOU WOMAN TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS FASTER! (pause, while Kristabella smacks Bacon and his sassy mouth for talking back) Well, Barb, Bacon knows how you feel. You see, because Bacon sits at home, all alone, everyday on the corner of the coffee table. And the phone just rings all the time. And no one ever leaves a message. But Bacon has to hear Kristabella’s greeting 11,000 times a day. But for your question, Bacon says “Boycott Tofu.” No real reason. He just has no response to this question because it doesn’t matter anymore. And tofu is gross.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi Bacon,

Can a person like me just up and assume another name, like so many celebrities have recently, without looking like a total douchebag (unlike so many celebrities recently)? I’m not asking for a P. Diddy/ Puffy/ Puff Daddy carousel of stupid, just the occasional right to change my name to some other normal name.

Anonymously yours,

Legally Blonde Mel

Oh Mel,

Bacon is wondering if you want to change your name because you are the Mel behind Mel’s Diner in California and you can’t leave your house with people not asking you to make them a grilled cheese or a turkey club sammich. Because Bacon has been to your fine establishment and he thinks your food is fabulous.

Anyway, Bacon can understand. He himself has run-ins with the papps and sometimes he wishes he wasn’t a paper folder with a Bacon spinner. Sometimes he wishes he could be just a plain old manila folder and not have so many adoring fans. Bacon would love to walk down the street and go unnoticed. But, Bacon lives in the real world. So Mel, Bacon says to “Hang Out With Hash Browns” and continue to be Mel and make a mean Denver omelette that is a perfect hangover food.

Let Bacon know if you want an autographed photo for your diner, Mel.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dearest Bacon,

As soon as I saw that you love using the word conundrum, I knew you would be just the one to help me with my very own (conundrum). You see, I’ve been a Starbucks whore for many, many years now. Unfortunately, since we seem to have fallen on some hard times here at chez Evil, I can no longer afford my elixir of choice on a daily basis. I have given this matter considerable thought and the only solution I can come up with is pimping out my husband for spare change. Although he’s in decent physical condition, he is 52 years old and can’t run very fast. What do you think would be the going rate for such a commodity?

Caffinatedly yours,

Evil Genius

Dear Evil Genius,

This is a good question. It is very apropos since we here in the United States are in a recession. We are all going to have to be cutting back on frivolous things like coffee and milk and cat food. But Bacon would like to mention that Dunkin Donuts coffee is one million times better than Starbucks coffee. And Dunkin Donuts coffee is available at your local grocery stores. Or so I’ve heard, since I don’t do much shopping. And no, Bacon is not being paid for that endorsement. But he does say “Hey Dunkin, call me! There is no better spokesperson for Dunkin coffee. What goes better with coffee than Bacon?”

Oh, but this wasn’t just another answer shamelessly self-promoting myself. Evil, Bacon thinks you should “Tempt A Vegan.” Because maybe you could shake one of them down and get the loose change out of their pockets. That should solve the money problems.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bacon,

Do you think this terrifying thing is real? Also, do you think it might come to eat me in my sleep?

Frightened in the ATL,

Darcey

Dear Darcey,

Bacon is not here to answer your question. He is hiding under the couch until he hears that there are indeed no bird-eating spiders or that this is all a bad dream.

Kristabella

P.S. But I’m sure Bacon would say “Spit Hot Grease” because that is the ONLY THING THAT WILL KILL THAT SPIDER! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Reverend Bacon,

It seems that there are several people from high school, that I barely remember and haven’t talked to in 18 years, who have befriended me on Facebook, but spell my name wrong when writing through Facebook. This confuses me as my name is correctly spelled, in full, on my profile. Also, it has never changed. Is there a polite way to say “Hey dumbass, you spelled my name wrong”? Should I dumb down my name for them?

Basking in your most greasiness,

JRM

Bacon can totally understand this. Because on Bacon himself, the folder, there is a spot on his folder marked “Beckon”, which is clearly not how you spell BACON. Bacon doesn’t really understand how people can be so stupid. So Bacon thinks you should “Put the ‘B’ in BLT” where B stands for putting those motherfuckers on BLAST. Because Bacon apparently still thinks it is 1995 and he’s on TRL.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Bacon,

How do I get the crazy spammers to stop sending me “exclusive” offers for jobs at Wal-Mart and P3Ni5 enlargement. How did I get on this list from hell? Is it because I moved back to the South? Please save me!

Spammed-A-Lot,

Celia

Dear Spammed On,

All Bacon knows about SPAM is that it tries to be as tasty as Bacon and win the hearts of people all over the world, but SPAM fails miserably. And now it looks like SPAM is trying get you to love him through emails. UNWANTED emails. Bacon wants to tell SPAM that this is no way to make you the most desired meat product. So Celia, Bacon thinks you should “Liven Up A Salad” because that was like the only choice left on the folder.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And FINALLY, Bacon wants to wish a VERY! HAPPY! BIRTHDAY! to Kristabella’s mom. You can see that Bacon is clearly the only person Kristabella mistreats because she loves her mom, as evidenced by this lovely post she wrote for her last year. Happy Birthday! Bacon and Kristabella love you very much!

So everyone wish a Happy Birthday to Mahnee!

It is Bacon here. I’m writing to all of you on the eve of this Thanksgiving holiday because our fair Kristabella is lying on the couch, wine glass in hand, enjoying her evening going into a holiday. You know, because it has been a long time since she had all the time in the world to DO NOTHING BUT SIT ON THE COUCH!

Ahem.

Also, Kristabella is complaining about breathing or something. I would know nothing about that because I am a folder. I am made of paper and a little bit if metal. The metal makes me spin. She’s got some issue where she’s having a hard time breathing, mostly because she’s lazy and doesn’t move a whole lot. But also maybe because she quite possibly might be sick. Or if she goes by Dr. Google’s diagnosis, SHE HAS CANCER AND IS DYING.

But who cares about her anyway? Bacon is here and is there anything better? The answer to that question is a resounding NO! Bacon would like to remind you that he does have some questions to answer and he will be doing that tomorrow, when his belly is fully of turkey and stuffing and wine and cat hair. (Bacon likes to just point that out so that maybe Kristabella will GET BACON OUT OF THE HOUSE TOMORROW.)

So Bacon would like to wish all of you a very happy Baconsgiving. Bacon doesn’t get a holiday, so this is it. And who wouldn’t want a holiday all about Bacon? Idiots, that’s who. And vegans.

Bacon (and Kristabella, I guess) are very thankful for all of you readers and friends. Bacon is also thankful our Kristabella has a job and is gainfully employed. And Bacon is also thankful for Jesus turning water into wine so that Kristabella would in turn love it and be tipsy enough to let Bacon take over this here blog tonight. Mwahahaha!

What are you all thankful for on this magical Baconsgiving holiday? (Besides Bacon, of course. That is a given.)

Bacon hopes you all have a wonderful holiday, or Thursday for those of you in Canada!

But some things in life are worth waiting for. Including this post. And Bacon’s answers. I just hope they are funny. Bacon is all salty (pun intended) because I ignored him today after I brought home my new iPhone.  So without further ado, here are Bacon’s answers – Part 1. Because there were quite a few questions. And there are only a certain number of answers on that wheel o’ Bacon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Bacon,

Why does my annoying neighbor always take his cat for a walk (on a cat-leash) right when I pull into the parking lot and why do they always linger near my door, when there’s a huge grassy area with trees and a creek and other things I assume a cat would enjoy 4 steps to the left of my door?

I love you – Jules

Dear Jules,

Bacon says that you really are preaching to the damn choir. You people have no idea the madness Bacon goes through on a daily basis with these stupid cats of Kristabella’s. Bacon wishes someone would come over and take them on a walk. And then just leave them outside for someone else to take home so Bacon could stop gathering dust and cat hair. But to answer your question, Bacon says you must “Taste Really Good” and that is why the cat is always lingering near your door. And Bacon guesses your neighbor really is hoping to find out how good you really taste, the cat on a leash is just an excuse to see you. And also the worst way ever to impress a woman.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Bacon,

What will happen to Sarah Palin’s $150,000 color-me-smart wardrobe after her and McCain lose the upcoming presidential election? (And yes, I AM knocking on wood right now, throwing salt over my left shoulder, and saying a short prayer to a god I don’t necessarily believe in just to make sure I didn’t jinx it for us.)

I hope the answer involves a skillet or something equally heinous! – Tokyo Cowgirl

Dear Bacon’s Japanese Friend,

Bacon doesn’t wear clothes. Unless you count a homemade sweater comprised of dust and cat hair that Bacon is sporting these days. But Bacon doesn’t get all the hub-bub with the wardrobe of Sarah Palin. But Bacon guesses that the wardrobe will end up “Hanging Out With Hash Browns.” Which means those expensive suits will end up on a homeless person sitting outside a McDonald’s on State Street in Chicago.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bacon,

I’m tormented by people downtown in Chicago who STROLL, not walk, on the way to public transportation. And they tend to STROLL in packs so you can’t just walk around them. I feel like I’m playing human dodgeball. Since I don’t want to end up with a bullet up my ass for saying something salty to them, what can I do? – Mahnee

Dear Kristabella’s mom,

Would it be possible, Bacon wonders, for you to have a discussion with your daughter about her slovenly habits? And maybe you would like to have these stupid cats come visit you for an extended period of time? So maybe that one hairball of a cat stops chewing on my Bacon spinner, fortheloveofallthatisgoodandholy.

Oh, and to answer your question, Bacon says to “Spit Hot Grease” on those damn tourists and people who stroll! STOP WALKING SO SLOW! Bacon wants all of you to remember this when you come to town next year for that weird blogging conference you all seem to enjoy so much. You know, that one where there are a bunch of whales who didn’t graduate or something.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bacon,

What is up with those assholes who block all traffic in the grocery store parking lot just so that they can back into the parking space? It’s not like they need the quick getaway and backing in will make it harder for them to load their groceries in the trunk. – Jen on the Edge

Dear Jen,

Wow, Bacon is sure getting a lot of questions about people not getting out of the way fast enough. Bacon has to say he has never encountered this before in his grocery shopping trips. Because Bacon doesn’t go to the grocery store. He’s stuck eating the crumbs that fall from Kristabella’s plate. Sometimes Bacon is appreciative that Kristabella never cleans.

In this instance, Bacon suggests you “Beckon” those people over politely to your car window. And when they get close enough, run over them. That should teach them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bacon,

How can I get my husband to put his beloved Karmen Ghia into storage so I can have my garage spot back? And on that note, why have I lost my garage spot for his second car?

Sincerely – Frost on the Windshield

Dear Frosty the Snowwoman,

Bacon isn’t sure who this Karmen Ghia is, but he sure hopes she’s like that Carmen Miranda with all that fruit on her head. Bacon loves her! Maybe your husband doesn’t want this Karmen lady to have to move to a storage facility. That seems kind of insensitive of you, Frosty.

But if you must put this lovely Ms. Ghia out, then the best way to solve your dilemma, Bacon says, is to “Tempt A Vegan.” And by that, Bacon means you better hope your husband is a Vegan so you can tempt him with a plate piled high of tasty Bacon. Also, tempting him with hot, hot sex wouldn’t hurt.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If your questions weren’t answered in this round, don’t despair, there will be at least one more, if not two, installments of Bacon answering your questions.

And if you just realized you have a burning frying question for Bacon, feel free to leave it in the comments. But keep in mind, these are the crap answers you will be getting.

So I figured since we haven’t heard from him in awhile, that his adoring fans would like to hear from him. And maybe even ask him a few questions. Because he is all-knowing and also wise. Bacon has been completely useful in the past to many a reader of Kristabella. On this post and this post, he helped answer people’s burning questions.

He will answer anything and everything. And he will bring his salty attitude to his responses. Listed below are some sample burning questions for Bacon, along with his answers. To get sage advice like this, all you have to do is leave your question for Bacon in the comments.

:::

Bacon, did Josh Duggar cry on his wedding night? Either because no one bought him jerky or because maybe, um, he couldn’t perform?

Bacon says that Josh Duggar should cry for even being stupid enough to register for jerky in the first place. And maybe shed a tear or two over your cheap guests who couldn’t even spring for the jerky. But most of all, Bacon’s answer is that yes, Josh Duggar did shed tears because he was told to “Liven Up A Salad” and didn’t realize that tossed salad had an entirely different meaning.

I recently used my toothbrush to brush my cats’ teeth. I noticed one of them sneezing this morning. Bacon, am I going to get sick from my cats?

Well, first off, Bacon says you are already sick. Because why would you use YOUR toothbrush in your cat’s mouth? Bacon wants to remind you that a cat’s mouth contains the tongue that has recently spent a great deal of time licking its asshole. Bacon says “Shrivel” because that’s pretty much what will happen to any man’s penis when you tell him this story. Spinsterville: Population YOU.

So Bacon, I have these neighbors below me. They are really annoying. On top of “rehearsing” with their “band” until after midnight, they also have an annoying wind chime on their back porch. Bacon, I live in the Windy City. I want to know, how do you murder a wind chime?

Hmmm, this is quite a conundrum. Bacon just wanted to use that word. He thinks this is an interesting situation. Bacon figures you could probably just steal the wind chime while they are at work. Maybe on your way to throw out the trash. What’s that you say? These people don’t work? Well, in that case, Bacon says to “Put the ‘B’ in BLT” where B means you just beat the hell out of that stupid wind chime. Also, Bacon thinks it would be funny to leave a ransom not.

:::

So there you have it. See, Bacon can and will answer anything with the kind of advice only he could give. So leave your questions in the comments! Bacon will be back next week to answer all your important wonderings.