It started when the bitch at Dunkin Donuts got pissed because I DARED to use a coupon to save a dollar on my iced coffee. And with that, whore, with that dirty look, you lost the tip.

Then I got to work and it got worse. I don’t even know what the deal was. EVERYTHING was pissing me off. I took deep breaths, I took breaks, I walked away from my desk, but I could NOT shake the bad mood. Thankfully I was busy so the day went by pretty fast. Until right before I was supposed to leave and then I got HULK SMASH ANGRY because someone was being not nice to my friend.

Want to see me get pissed and angry? PISS OFF PEOPLE CLOSE TO ME! I will go all freaking crazy mama bear on your ass because if my friends/family are hurt/sad/upset, I am upset.

So, I’m going to post something light! Because I don’t want to anger the full moon gods any more.

Although, this post might anger someone even crazier.

Do you watch Real Housewives of New York City? Do y’all know how crazy Kelly Bensimon is? Well, after talking shit about her on Twitter, she now is following me! UNPROMPTED! I don’t follow her! She FOUND me! WTF?

And then I immediately forwarded it to show everyone and then thought “Oh fuck! SHE FOUND ME! I FEAR FOR MY LIFE! She’s CRAY CRAY CRAZY!”

No more tweets like this:

Or this:

Honestly, she has some sort of serious mental issues. And now I fear she’s going to hunt me down.

WHO WANTS JELLY BEANS?!

Have a great long weekend everyone! I’ll be working only a half day and spending the rest of the day drinking beer at Wrigley for my first Cubs game of 2010!

Besides my trip to Atlanta in the fall, I never really have a plan to do much. I always try to eat a #1 Original at Chick-Fil-A. I prefer to eat at The Flying Biscuit at least once. But other than that, I have THE BEST time in the world hanging out with Ali, Gabe and their kids. Seriously. We can be sitting quietly at the table, both on our laptops, or we can be laughing at Emily experiencing Pretty in Pink for the first time and it is always a shit-ton of fun. It’s very rare to have friends like that. I’ve become so close with the whole Martell clan that I feel like I’m part of the family. And am already planning a trip up to see them after they move into their new house in Toronto this summer.

I mean, Isabella made me a card to welcome me!

So yeah, we watched TV. Ali was under the weather so there wasn’t much she was able to do without dying. So TV it was! We gossiped. We talked “shop” about the blogging world. We laughed, a lot. I learned about famous Disney stars. And watched 17 Again for the first time. And then laughed some more.

And Ali gave me her sickness. I mean, the whole house was sniffly and coughing, it was going to be some sort of major feat if I didn’t get sick. That and the coughing, sneezy, sniffly lady I sat next to on the plane home. So really, a sore throat and runny nose was well worth the trip out there.

Also, because Ali’s husband Gabe, he likes to cook. He has a cookbook and a cooking blog. And he makes REALLY YUMMY stuff! So on Friday night, I got to pick and I picked this. And you all need to make it. It was delicious! But don’t just take my word for it, you can also ask Darcey and Adam, who came over for dinner too. It was a blogstravaganza! (Seriously, Ali, Adam and I spent the whole day sitting at various tables and chatting and laughing. GOOD TIMES!)

Ali also finally showed me the magic that is a Canadian TV show called Rent-A-Goalie. It’s a real show, apparently. And actually quite hilarious. And very raunchy. Please try and convince me that staring at this hottie, episode after episode, is a BAD thing.

His name on the show is Cake. Let me tell you, the fact that I love Cake has taken on a whole new meeting. I’m thinking of moving to Canada.

But now I’m going to go catch some Zzz’s, like my favorite lazy puppy Indy, and hopefully get rid of this damn cold. That dog does sleep right!

So because I’ve had a shittastic week at work (IT IS ONLY WEDNESDAY, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!) and know that we can all use a laugh these days, I’m re-posting it here. Because even if you read it almost 2 years ago, it is still pretty funny. If I do say so myself. And if you don’t laugh, don’t tell me. Because as I mentioned – BAD WEEK!

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(Reposted from July 2008)

Every time one of my fellow bloggers asks about guest posts, I am always one of the first people to be all “pick me, choose me, love me.” Oh wait, that was Meredith Grey.

But I always am totally eager to do it because….well, I’m not sure why. I would already be writing a post for that day on my own site and those people get enough of my inane drivel. Why would I subject others to it as well?

Basically, I’m a shameless famewhore, that’s why. So I decided since Jodi was nice enough to let me take over her site for a day, that I would write an ode to reality television. And how I am lured by its glowing television glow week in and week out.

But I’m not a poet. And I’m not even sure what an Ode entails. And I’m sure it has something to do with iambic pentameter or some poetry nonsense, but the fact is I don’t even remember how many syllables are in each line of a Haiku.

Instead, I figured I would talk about what it would be like to be on one of these reality programs. Because we all know we’ve thought about how we’d kick ass on Amazing Race, or would totally fall in love on The Bachelor or how we would like to make out with Simon on American Idol. What? Oh, just me then.

So I have picked three reality television shows that I would like to be on – The Bachelor, The Mole and Rock of Love with Bret Michaels. And I will tell you exactly how my experience would go if I were to be lucky enough to not have to work and could give up weeks at a time to pimp my famewhore self out on national television.

The Bachelor

Let’s face it, I’m 30 32 now (!), I’m single and I live alone with my two cats. Why shouldn’t I be on The Bachelor? I ask you, who wouldn’t want to date me? Clearly I’m quite a catch.

There are a few things that could go wrong. One, I do not own any dresses with sequins, and I’m sure that would deny me a rose. Two, those bitches are all size zero. I am not. Three, what happens if I make it to the final three and forgo my individual room and go to the fantasy suite with The Bachelor? How could you ever face your co-workers and your family? They will know you are a SLUT.

In reality, I wouldn’t make it past the first episode. Two words – free booze. I’d be a drunken, slurry mess by the time the first rose ceremony rolled around.

The Mole

I never watched this show until this current season and that was mostly because Jodi was all “watch The Mole! It is teh awesome! Even without Anderson Cooper!” And that was all it took for me to watch. Plus it is summer and there is not much else on.

The first time I watched it, I was unsure about the plot. Basically one person is the mole and is sabotaging everyone else. Or something. I still get confused when they reveal who the fake ghosts and mummies are on Scooby Doo. so I’m going to be blown away by whoever the mole is come the end of the show. I just hope there is a mask involved and Velma and Fred are there.

In reality if I was on this show, since I’m not the best secret keeper in the world, all it would take would be one drunken night with all of the contestants and I’d slurringly shout “I’m the MOLE, bitches!” And then giggle and pass out in my vat of wine.

Rock of Love

Who would NOT want to be on this show? And I’m not talking about going on to make out with Bret Michaels and his nasty thinning hair and collection of hideous bandanas. I vomited in my mouth a little just typing that. I’m talking about DRAMA. To the millionth degree!

Although, I’d be in trouble the first night when Bret takes sexy photos of you for your tour badge. Because I’d flash my granny panties and full-length Spanx sucking in all the fat rolls and the sexiness would be gone and I’d be booted before my first can of celebratory Bret’s Brew.

And I’d be OK with it because there’s no need to have to show up all those skanks with my pole sliding-down abilities. Straight from the playground to VH1. Wheee!

Oh wait, that’s not what they use that pole for?

And now you see why I’m a watcher. Not a doer.

I was thinking today, after not sleeping at all last night, for the third night in a row, that maybe it isn’t the lack of sleep that has made me dumb and unable to function, maybe it is all the reality television I watch that has rotted my brain.

So come with me, and embark on a really sad journey. A journey that will make me realize I may spend far too much time in front of the television. Come commiserate (hopefully) with me and tell me I’m not the only one who watches these shows.

1) The Real World. I don’t even have to mention what season. (This one is in Cancun, by the way, and it is FABULOUS!) I watch every season. Every time a new season premieres I tell myself I won’t watch it, but then I get sucked in and cannot stop. Then about halfway through each season, I punch myself in the neck and ask myself WHY I am watching this show and WHY am I getting so invested in these stupid peoples’ lives? And WHY was I so pissed that stupid Mark from the Aftershow RUINED the show for me last night because I happened to be watching live and he told us in a commercial break that Joey would be on the Aftershow, his first appearance since getting kicked out of the house. And then we returned to the episode and JOEY WAS STILL IN THE HOUSE! WAY TO RUIN IT FOR ME, MARK! (Also, if I just ruined it for any of you I’m a) not sorry because now you know how it feels and b) why are we still watching this crap. Also c) Jasmine is an idiot. HE DOESN’T LIKE YOU, HONEY!)

2) Real Chance of Love. Most people probably don’t even know what this is. Real and Chance were on I Love New York, who was on Flavor of Love. And now Real and Chance (who are brothers and part of the Stallionaires, which is a lame as it sounds) are trying to find love on a reality television show. I will point out that this is the second season of this show. And I’m sad to admit I’ve watched so much of this crap so far.

3) Top Chef Masters. This show I love and you should ALL be watching it. I didn’t think I would enjoy it this much, but whoever at Bravo came up with this idea is a GENIUS! (Except for the idiot who thought Kelly Choi was a good choice as a host.) Watching these award winning chefs work under the constraints and time limits that normal Top Chef contestants go through really makes you admire all the past Top Chef contestants a lot more. If Rick Bayless struggles, it CANNOT be easy. Also, the sportsmanship (which is not the right word in COOKING) is impressive. They are all willing to help each other out. They want it to be a fair competition and are not willing to see their fellow chefs fail.

4) Daisy of Love. If VH1 puts a show on the air with “of Love” in the title, I will watch it. This one already ended, but I need to discuss with others out there. Please tell me one of you watched this. Also, if any of you know where Flex lives, please tell me because he’s yummy. Why was there no reunion show? What happened with London?

(INTERMISSION: I feel even dumber for writing this all down. It is no longer secret. And I might be a little embarrassed that I put this much stock into these shows and the lives of these people. Also, I haven’t even touched the surface. This post is just a small fraction of what I watch, reality television-wise. SAD. I KNOW.)

And we’re back!

5) Big Brother 11. I have watched every season of this. Back about three seasons ago, I got Jen Lancaster hooked on it. She’s either really happy about that, or would like to punch me in the gut. I didn’t like this season that much at first, but now I love it! If you watch, feel free to have a discussion in the comments about how hot Jeff is and his dreamy blue eyes. Swoooooon.

6) Real Housewives. Of anywhere. If you are not watching the Atlanta version, start. Now. It just started back up again last week. It is the trashiest of the Real Housewives shows, which is why I love it the most. I’m going to Atlanta in September (booked my trip yesterday! CANNOT FUCKING WAIT!) and I will be expecting Darcey or Ali to drive me past their houses or somehow run into them somewhere. Preferably NeNe.

7) Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List. This is one of the best reality shows around. There is a reason why she’s won like three Emmys. Bitch is funny. And her episode last week focusing on Prop 8 HATE was amazing and very touching. The episode where her mom updated her “FacePlace” page was classic! Also when she took Bette Midler to some off-the-strip casino in  Vegas for fried Oreos. Do not miss this show!

I’m going to stop here. But I will tell you that I have dates on my calendar marked for the premieres of Flipping Out, The Rachel Zoe Project, Project Runway and Top Chef Las Vegas. And I know what you’re thinking and the answer is a big fat YES. And the question? Will I watch anything Bravo airs.

So tell me your dirty reality show secrets. What are your favorites? Which ones are you a wee bit ashamed to admit you watch or have watched? Please tell me I’m not alone in my obsessions! PLEASE!

Today in my daily Gchats with Nic, she gave me a present on her birthday. (Isn’t she generous?) She showed me a website that was just awesome.

Are you all familiar with the Duggar family? She of the clown-car vagina, who is currently pregnant with her EIGHTEENTH CHILD? Well, they currently have a show on TLC called 17 and Counting. I am sad to admit that due to Nic’s enthusiasm about the show, I am now a weekly watcher.

I have so many questions. Does she have any bladder control? Does she have to go three tampons wide when she is riding the Crimson Wave? Isn’t it a form of child abuse? I mean she hardly pays attention to the older kids. She makes them take care of themselves. How can they afford that many children? Why would want to ever have sex again after pushing 17 kids out your va-jay-jay? Why would her husband not secretly get a vasectomy? Why would he even want to touch her ever again? I don’t think this is what God wanted!

Surprisingly, the kids are seemingly normal. Going into the show, I was picturing a ginormous family of Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokels and kin. But they all have teeth. And nice clothes. And speak well. (Yes, I realize I had very low expectation and it was wrong and I was pre-judging. But don’t tell me you didn’t think the same thing.) They are all home-schooled.

This week’s episode was about the oldest kid, Josh, and him proposing to his girlfriend. I watched it tonight, something to kill the time before the debate. I wasn’t paying too much attention because I couldn’t really get over the fact that a 20 year old man who was home schooled GOT ENGAGED BEFORE ME. And he met his future wife at a HOME SCHOOL CONFERENCE! I want to be the trade show coordinator for that. Think of the blog posts.

Clearly these people are very religious. Mom Duggar has that many kids because God keeps giving them to her. And since she used to be on the pill and had a miscarriage on her very first pregnancy, she feels God punished her and that is why she has to have as many children as he wants her to have. (Note to God, please stop. Eighteen is enough.) (I so hope that’s the title of their next show.)

They are also very religious when it comes to their relationships. In the case of Josh and his girlfriend Anna, before getting engaged they were in a period of courtship. Which means they dated long-distance (he in Arkansas, her in Florida) and obviously didn’t have any pre-marital sex. Guess what else the don’t do before marriage? KISS! They are allowed to hold hands and THAT IS IT! Can you imagine your first kiss with your mate being the one at the wedding in front of all your family and friends?

(Josh and Anna “courted” for two years, which means two years of that boy’s life, at his sexual peak, of just phone calls and hand-holding. And they are chaperoned whenever they are together so that means inappropriate rubbing is out of the question.)

I cannot get my mind around this. It is probably because I have had a penchant since college of making out with random people in bars. Making out is fun! And also? Some people are BAD kissers! Can you imagine being married to a bad kisser? A sloppy kisser or someone who wants to lick your tonsils? That is like a death sentence. And not someone I would want to have 17 kids with!

But whatever, to each their own. I am Judgey McJudgeypants and I’m not ashamed of it. I just don’t understand. And yet I can’t stop watching. And apparently I’m going to hell anyway, since just being a nice person doesn’t get you there.

The reason I share all this background with you is to show you one of the best things that I have ever seen on the internet. This site here is Josh and Anna’s wedding website. Take a look around. I imagine this site is what it will be like to work for a churchy organization.

When you’re done looking around, have a look-see at the bottom of the page. At these two crazy kids’ wedding registries, one at Wal-Mart and one at Bed, Bath & Beyond. Most of it is your normal registry stuff – towels, sheets, muffin pans, mixers, measuring spoons. But then there are things that I have never seen on a registry. Here is the list of my favorite Duggar wedding registry items:

• Coke and Sprite
• Pringles
• Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
• University of Arkansas gear – everything from mugs to bumper stickers to flip flops and a hamper
• M&Ms
• Gatorade

And my personal favorite? SIX KINDS OF BEEF JERKY!

But at least they registered for 2 Dyson vacuums and an iPod Touch. So all isn’t lost.

So this week I told myself “Self, this week it is all business. It is time to get to work and put your nose to the proverbial grindstone.” And surprisingly, Self listened. Self doesn’t usually listen. Like when I’m all “Self, you do NOT need to eat an entire pizza” or “Self, I think two bottles of wine is enough for this evening” or “Self, maybe you could work out so that all those clothes in your closet will fit.” Self NEVER listens then. Fucking Self is a bitch.

Monday was shot. I had some errands I HAD to run. I needed toilet paper. I needed deodorant. I needed toothpaste for the days I remembered to brush. But I figured I’d get my Target run out of the way at the beginning of the week and then spend the rest of the week attached to my laptop as a Job Applying Machine.

I forgot how fucking time-consuming that is. I spent six hours (SIX! HOURS!) on Tuesday just doing all the searches on all the different websites. My plan of action was to save all the jobs I found on Tuesday and then use Wednesday to apply for all those saved jobs.

So that’s just what I did today. It was spent applying for jobs. It wasn’t a ton, about 12 or so, but enough. Enough of them that I had to change cover letters for. So that I didn’t have a “INSERT COMPANY NAME HERE” mishap again.

Actually this time, my mishaps were much worse. Because I am lazy and distracted by Twitter and emails. On second thought, I can’t even blame being distracted. I just blame being lazy and trying to get it all done in a hurry so I could watch TV.

My first bonehead move was when I decided it was smart to have seven different Word documents open. All the documents started with “cover letter” and then were dash something. Like cover letter-dash-marketing. Well when I had tweaked the communications cover letter to perfection, I was ready to apply for my first job of the day. So I copied the text from perfected cover letter, pasted it into the window and hit apply. Done and done.

That was until I went to apply for the next job and realized that I copied and pasted a cover letter from July. For a TOTALLY DIFFERENT JOB. Let’s just assume I’m not going to be getting that job. That’s a lot harder to pass over than INSERT COMPANY NAME HERE.

That is bad enough. I mean, I’m only applying for a handful of jobs, my margin for error is quite low. But sadly, that wasn’t the worst or only mistake I made during the day.

I found a listing for a job online for a professional writer, writing about social media like blogging and Twitter and Facebook. When I read it I was like this can’t be for real! Someone wants to pay me to do the shit I already do in my spare time? Sign me up!

So I readied a new email message to send off to the HR Man. I attached my resume and a writing sample. As I was going to hit “attach” to give them another writing sample, I hit send. I SENT A BLANK EMAIL WITH ONLY MY RESUME ATTACHED. THAT WAS IT. Apparently when I say I have great attention to detail on my resume, I am LYING. Clearly.

Then I proceeded to freak the fuck out. I IMed Nic and was all “Fuuuuuuuck! HALP!” She laughed and then was like “dumbshit. Good look landing a job this century, you moron.” And then after I threatened physical violence because I’m like a foot taller than her, she told me just to send another email. And pretend the first one didn’t even exist. So that’s what I did. And I’m sure that HR Man is getting quite a laugh out of it. Too bad I could totally do that job, even if they specifically said no snarky writing. I can be non-snarky. I’m not always Full of Snark. But I am always full of something.

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In other news, who watches Pushing Daisies? Please tell me that one of you out there does and watched the premiere on Wednesday. Because what the fuck? I know it has been almost a year, but they totally just abandoned the cliffhanger from the end of the first season. Ned and Chuck weren’t even talking to each other. Ned didn’t even know where she was. Now, right off the bat, they are talking and everything is fine and back to normal? HOW? Are you just pretending the first season didn’t exist? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND! Hopefully one of you out there can rant with me.

Man, I’m sleepy. My body, in all its revolting, didn’t realize it would be the one that would have to suffer at work today because it decided not to let me fall asleep until after 2 this morning. Which makes my total hours of sleep in the last two days 14 hours. And one of those days I got 10 hours of sleep. It’s amazing I got anything done at work today.

Oh, wait, I didn’t really. It’s still slow. I think a lot of people took the rest of this holiday week off as well, since it is only three days. And since, well, maybe some of them aren’t going to be working there much longer, what is the worst that could happen.

Thankfully we have a sales conference coming up soon, so I do have things to do.

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I was going to write this story about how after 9/11, when I celebrated my birthday a few days later, some of the players from the 49ers showed up. Since the game was cancelled that weekend, everyone had a lot of time on their hands. And I was going to talk about how Bryant Young bought me a beer.

But then, one of my good friends Kevin Lynch, previously of the San Francisco Chronicle and now a blogger (!) for the Chronicle’s website, wrote about that story. Well, not really. He wrote about how awesome BY is (’tis true) and I just happened to have been mentioned. Read it here.

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I forgot to thank my Secret Blogger Santa on here. She sent me this awesome deck of walking tours for the city of Chicago. And I can’t wait to try them all out. So anyone that is planning on visiting me in the near future, bring your walking shoes! And of course your drinking shoes. These can be one in the same. As long as you don’t mind possibly puking Old Style on your walking shoes. You have been warned.

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Are you guys watching Pushing Daisies? And by watching, I mean watched? Since the writer’s strike forced us to be without anymore of Pie-Maker Ned and Girl Named Chuck until an agreement is reached. Which makes my heart oh so sad and lonely.

I know I’m the last one aboard this bandwagon, but this is the best show on TV. It finished a smidge ahead of Gossip Girl. Which lost me a little after tonight’s episode. Because Melrose Place chick should totally be with Rufus the Musician.

Anyway, Pushing Daisies. If you haven’t seen it, I suggest you high-tail it over to abc.com and watch you some episodes. One, because it is a fantastic show. Two, because the dude touches dead things and makes them alive again. Three, he makes pies for a living. And his restaurant, or pie-eteria, is called The Pie Hole. Which, unless you are dead and need my boy Ned to touch you, is fucking hilarious and genius. (Boy, oh boy, would I like Ned to touch me. Ahem.)

I am in love with Ned. Like seriously, I think I had a whole slew of things to write about tonight and I just watched the last two episodes of this shortened season and all I could think about was Ned. He’s so cute. And I just want to take him home with me  and carry him around in my pocket at all times because he is just so damn adorable. He makes me giggle like a school girl every time he’s on the screen. I feel like Girl Named Chuck must feel every time she looks at him, you know if the show were set in real life and someone could bring people back from the dead and you couldn’t even touch the one you love. That face. His smile. His facial expressions. That sound? Was me melting into a puddle.

I just think it is a fantastic show. Every actor in the show is awesome. That little blonde, spunky Kristin Chenoweth steals scenes like it was her job. The principal from Boston Public is priceless in his role. The writing, the dialogue, the humor and the whole premise behind the show is fan-flipping-tastic.

If you don’t believe me, believe the face of this tall, handsome drink of water. Sigh.

I just swooned my ass right off the couch.

And I’m sure there was something else I was going to write about. But. Can’t. Stop. Drooling.

I know. It might be a little shocking. The only person I ever knew that actually liked that wretched woman was Scarlet. But she loves all things British. Especially Tony Blair.

I always thought she was a haughty bitch. Always with that pout. Smile for fuck’s sake. Your life is not that bad! And eat a damn sammich!

But as you’re all aware, I am a slave to all reality television. I even do live-blogging during Top Chef over on MamaPop. I will watch anything. Once. Or in the case of that trainwreck of a show that Bret Michaels is on, every. Damn. Week!

So I TiVoed the Victoria Beckham Coming to America special. Mostly because I heard how baaaaad it was supposed to be. See, it was supposed to be this long series. But they only had enough material for one episode. Which is probably enough. Any more and I may have hated that skinny, stuck up bitch again.

Anyway, so I finally watched it. And I’m here to tell you, she’s entertaining. Yes, I know she’s not really a celebrity and shouldn’t have this much attention on her. Blah, blah, blah. At least she’s a singer. And got “famous” from being in The Spice Girls. Unlike Paris Hilton who got famous because her daddy paid people to pay attention to her ass-face.

But you know what? Posh Spice always has underwear on. Excuse me, knickers. She’s always polite to the paparazzi. She’s not beating their cars down with umbrellas. She’s not shouting obscenities at them. And she’s not drinking and driving! And really, the paparazzi are going to follow celebrities. We can’t change that. But I’d much rather they show her and put her in the news and on magazine covers than those other skanky law breakers.

Anyway, back to the show. If you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend you TiVo it (I think Bravo might still be showing it) or watch it on You Tube. It’s all there.

People, the woman is funny. She does the pout on purpose. She’s full-on aware that she comes off like a skinny, hoity toity bitch in the media. And I think she’s OK with it. She hunted down Perez Hilton and bitch-slapped him and told him not to write mean things. No. Not really. He did buy her a cookie and she turned it down because it would “ruin her image.” She said she just cannot smile, have fun or eat. Especially not in front of the paparazzi.

I love that she’s not that full of herself. (Don’t get me wrong, she’s still rich and thinks she’s better than most people.) But I like that she’ll poke fun at herself and at her image. And that it doesn’t seem to bother her. Mostly I’m glad (read: insanely shocked) that she’s got a personality. And isn’t a robot.

My favorite line was when she was looking for houses. And they found one that Lionel Richie used to own. And the realtor said that the house used to have stone floors, but Lionel replaced them himself. So Posh says “So Lionel Richie laid the parquet floor by hand…(beat)…all whilst dancing on the ceiling.”

Awesome.

And really, her husband is dead sexy. So I can put up with her. But now even more so that she’s got blood flowing under that outside layer of skin. And not wires and transponders and robot shit.

That man is all kinds of yummy.

With summer comes street fests (yay!), hot weather (not so yay since I don’t have air conditioning), sun out for longer (yay! Hate coming home in the dark!) and all kinds of bad summer reality shows.

Oh who am I kidding, I watch all kinds of bad reality shows 12 months out of the year. It’s just that in the summer you can blame it on there being nothing else on. All other times of the year, well, I don’t really have much of an excuse. Except me likey.

I am almost 30 years old. I want to know why I still watch some of these shows. Again, who am I kidding? I heart these shows. For the most part. Most of them I heart in the way you can’t turn away from a bad car crash. But still. Here is a sampling:

The Real World

• I think this was like season 43 or something. I mean, I’m like almost 10 years older than some of these babies. Yet? I can’t turn away. I think I pretended I was mature for like two years in the Paris/Philadelphia seasons. And that was only because I hated the Paris season. It was so boring. (Who else was even on it besides Ace and CT? Two people I couldn’t hate anymore.) It was worse than London. Which was actually The Real World because besides that guy’s tongue getting bit off, the only thing to come out of that is that Jacinda is quite the actress these days.
• Closer look at Wikipedia, I somehow missed Paris, watched San Diego and then skipped Phily. Only to pick it back up for Austin. Which when Danny got his face dented? Awesome
• I totally succumb to peer pressure and only continue to watch for water cooler chatter.
• Which is a lie.
• Apparently they are filming the next installment in Australia. Can’t wait!

Flavor of Love – Seasons 1 & 2

• Anyone who didn’t watch? You missed out. Train. Wreck.
• Nothing like sticking a bunch of ghetto chicks in one house and letting them fight over an ugly man with a clock around his neck.
• This show has given us some of reality TV’s best moments. New York. The spitting incident by Pumpkin. And the chick pooping on Flav’s stairs.
• Flavor Flav!
• If you don’t get a clock, your time is up. Fucking trumps “will you accept this rose.”

I Love New York

• Dudes, Flav rejected her twice and she got her own show. Hers wasn’t anywhere near as good as Flavor of Love, but she’s a walking time bomb.
• The best part was the dude that PROPOSED to her in the season finale, totally rescinded his offer when he watched the show on TV. Dissed New York on live TV.
• Um, hello? Awesome!
• She’s currently casting for I Love New York 2. Get your videos in, pimps. And vote for the craziest!

Flavor of Love Girls: Charm School

• How much does VH1 lurve Flav? He has given them 4 hit shows.
• This one brings together all our favorite crazy people from Flavor of Love 1 & 2.And Mo’Nique is supposed to be trying to teach them manners and shit. Bitch, please. We tune in for cat fights. And Pumpkin spitting on people. And Hottie and her batshit crazy self.

Real World/Road Rules Challenges

• All of them. The Duels. The Gauntlets. The Infernos. Always good TV.
• So. Many. Catfights. Thank God for CT and all his ‘roid rages. Although next time CT, let’s last more than a few hours. You make for good TV.
• The only bad thing is that I think the “older” alums are tired of doing these. These Challenges are usually peppered with a lot of people from the most recent seasons of Real World. And really? I don’t ever want to see Colie again. Someone should dent her face.
• And do these people have jobs in real life? My job sure as hell wouldn’t let me leave for a few weeks to go fuck around in the jungles of South Africa. (Wish they would, though.)

King of Cars

• This is higher-end reality TV. It’s on A&E. Arts & Entertainment people. It’s about this crappy-ass rapper who owns a Dodge dealership in Vegas. And if you don’t know, since they mention it in the first 10 minutes of every episode, they are the nation’s top Dodge dealership. Because Chop, the owner/bad rapper, makes his salespeople do competitions and if you lose you have to do weird shit. Like oil wrestle in a baby pool with the sumo wrestler that works in Accounting.
• I’m not kidding.

Big Brother

• THIS is my summer staple. Apparently this summer will be season 8. That’s almost as depressing as watching 16 seasons of The Real World.
• The best thing about this show, besides the crazy people they lock up in the house with no contact to the outside world, is that it’s on 3-4 times a week. And when there is abso-fucking-lutely nothing on TV in the summer, this is a good thing. And an addicting thing. (And I won’t mention that last year I found a site that transcribed the live feeds. So I would read what was going on in the house at every single stupid minute. Yeah, I didn’t do any work last summer, by the way.)
• The worst thing about this show? Julie Chen. Apparently sleeping with the President of CBS gets you posh jobs. For which you have no business doing. Worst. Host. Ever. (Miss Jones, this is not sexist. She really is married to the President of CBS. I assume she sleeps with him.)

And the cherry on the top of all this? The 7 people from Real World: Las Vegas are reuniting! For like 6 weeks! All together again! And Brynn has 2 babies! And who will Trashelle hook up with this time? This is like reality television gold right there, people.

You can also throw into this sad little mix the ones everyone watches – American Idol, Dancing with the Stars, The Bachelor (although if the next one is as mind-numbingly boring as Andy, I will stick my foot through the TV), Laguna Beach, The Hills, America’s Next Top Model, etc. 

There are plenty, plenty more (Kathy Griffin: Life on the D List, anyone? Starts June 5!), but I’m depressing myself with the amount of crap I watch. It’s why I read the paper and watch the news. For the learnin’.