So because I’ve had a shittastic week at work (IT IS ONLY WEDNESDAY, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!) and know that we can all use a laugh these days, I’m re-posting it here. Because even if you read it almost 2 years ago, it is still pretty funny. If I do say so myself. And if you don’t laugh, don’t tell me. Because as I mentioned – BAD WEEK!

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(Reposted from July 2008)

Every time one of my fellow bloggers asks about guest posts, I am always one of the first people to be all “pick me, choose me, love me.” Oh wait, that was Meredith Grey.

But I always am totally eager to do it because….well, I’m not sure why. I would already be writing a post for that day on my own site and those people get enough of my inane drivel. Why would I subject others to it as well?

Basically, I’m a shameless famewhore, that’s why. So I decided since Jodi was nice enough to let me take over her site for a day, that I would write an ode to reality television. And how I am lured by its glowing television glow week in and week out.

But I’m not a poet. And I’m not even sure what an Ode entails. And I’m sure it has something to do with iambic pentameter or some poetry nonsense, but the fact is I don’t even remember how many syllables are in each line of a Haiku.

Instead, I figured I would talk about what it would be like to be on one of these reality programs. Because we all know we’ve thought about how we’d kick ass on Amazing Race, or would totally fall in love on The Bachelor or how we would like to make out with Simon on American Idol. What? Oh, just me then.

So I have picked three reality television shows that I would like to be on – The Bachelor, The Mole and Rock of Love with Bret Michaels. And I will tell you exactly how my experience would go if I were to be lucky enough to not have to work and could give up weeks at a time to pimp my famewhore self out on national television.

The Bachelor

Let’s face it, I’m 30 32 now (!), I’m single and I live alone with my two cats. Why shouldn’t I be on The Bachelor? I ask you, who wouldn’t want to date me? Clearly I’m quite a catch.

There are a few things that could go wrong. One, I do not own any dresses with sequins, and I’m sure that would deny me a rose. Two, those bitches are all size zero. I am not. Three, what happens if I make it to the final three and forgo my individual room and go to the fantasy suite with The Bachelor? How could you ever face your co-workers and your family? They will know you are a SLUT.

In reality, I wouldn’t make it past the first episode. Two words – free booze. I’d be a drunken, slurry mess by the time the first rose ceremony rolled around.

The Mole

I never watched this show until this current season and that was mostly because Jodi was all “watch The Mole! It is teh awesome! Even without Anderson Cooper!” And that was all it took for me to watch. Plus it is summer and there is not much else on.

The first time I watched it, I was unsure about the plot. Basically one person is the mole and is sabotaging everyone else. Or something. I still get confused when they reveal who the fake ghosts and mummies are on Scooby Doo. so I’m going to be blown away by whoever the mole is come the end of the show. I just hope there is a mask involved and Velma and Fred are there.

In reality if I was on this show, since I’m not the best secret keeper in the world, all it would take would be one drunken night with all of the contestants and I’d slurringly shout “I’m the MOLE, bitches!” And then giggle and pass out in my vat of wine.

Rock of Love

Who would NOT want to be on this show? And I’m not talking about going on to make out with Bret Michaels and his nasty thinning hair and collection of hideous bandanas. I vomited in my mouth a little just typing that. I’m talking about DRAMA. To the millionth degree!

Although, I’d be in trouble the first night when Bret takes sexy photos of you for your tour badge. Because I’d flash my granny panties and full-length Spanx sucking in all the fat rolls and the sexiness would be gone and I’d be booted before my first can of celebratory Bret’s Brew.

And I’d be OK with it because there’s no need to have to show up all those skanks with my pole sliding-down abilities. Straight from the playground to VH1. Wheee!

Oh wait, that’s not what they use that pole for?

And now you see why I’m a watcher. Not a doer.

Anyway, because I love the Oscars and because I did nothing today but sleep and eat a large quantity of Taco Bell, I don’t have time to write a proper blog post. And boy oh boy does this weekend need a proper recap. It needs a post! Or probably two! Because it was that good and kind of ridiculous, but in the most awesome way possible. There was beer! And hot Irish kids! (No really! He was 24! I AM A COUGAR!) And weird dive bars! And karaoke in a different language! And cab drivers! OF COURSE!

But that will have to wait until tomorrow. Until then, I give you a Public Service Announcement: Be wary of a drunk person with a pool stick in hand. You may end up “marked”.

Anywho, since it is Thursday and my brain is mush, and because today had to be the longest day in the history of mankind, all I can muster to post is a bunch of random things. So here we go…

On Tuesday, I saw Broadway in Chicago tweet about a contest to win free tickets.  I didn’t think about to what show they were for, I was just like “I WANT TO WIN!” And the weird thing is, I KNEW the answer. It was Chicago Hope! The question was about Mandy Patinkin. After I sent the answer I was overcome with a wave of the “what have I dones”. Because then I remembered that there was currently a Broadway in Chicago production with Mandy in it. Some sort of “Mandy and some chick sing some songs they’ve sung on Broadway in the past.”

So I won. Because how many people even watched Chicago Hope?  And how many of those people are actually on Twitter? Not many, I would imagine. So of course I won. And of course it was the day after I had just stayed home sick so I was not feeling like being up late and being out watching a MAN named MANDY sing.

Then I remembered that my mom really wants to see this show. So I called her and was all “surprise! You can go see Mandy!” Except, she wasn’t feeling good and also is older than me and doesn’t like to go out on school nights.

So what did I do? I just ignored the @reply and pretended I never won.

But now I can never say I’ve never won anything.

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I finally grabbed a shot of my favorite WiFi network that I see every day on my way home.

Also, this is ALWAYS at a stop light. I don’t check my phone while driving after you all scolded me.

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Kitty Kitty loves to play with straws. This is a note to any of you who come to my house and would like to drink out of a straw. She will not let you. She will spot it and then pull it out of your cup, even if that means spilling the entire contents of the cup all over EVERYTHING! And she will do this at any hour of the day. TRUST ME! I KNOW THIS! She once spilled an entire glass of water, off my nightstand, at like 3 AM!

So because she hasn’t been herself lately, I brought out a bunch of straws for her to play with. It’s kind of adorable. She bats them around the floor, and then she’ll pick it up in her mouth and carry it around, like she’s got a bone in her mouth. Makes me laugh every time.

She bats them around until they go away – under the rug, under a door, under the fridge, etc. So this is what I come home to every night. I’m pretty sure my neighbors wonder why there is always a straw outside my door.

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And now this, that Kerri sent to me awhile back, is just 100 kinds of fitting:

#spinstercards

And on that note, I wish you all a wonderful weekend! Do you have anything exciting planned?

THIS GIRL!

So my new laptop, my stylish and friendly companion, has a webcam, which will probably not be used that much except to have the cats say hello to all of you.

But since I’ve spent all my evening setting up my new computer, I will leave you with my first, and probably last, vlog. Well at least my last topic-less vlog because this was just a mess.

Also, webcams are unflattering. Or I really have 17 chins and a mustache. And note to self: Maybe wear a bra and sit up straight next time, OK?

So here, for your viewing pleasure, ME! And Simba! Ta-dah!

And somehow this is even more embarrassing that showing my 8th grade photo yesterday.

Tuesday nights are hard for me to blog, well most every night is these days (including Monday with two episodes of Intervention and one of Hoarders), but now that Lost is back on, I have no desire to blog after watching a new episode because I’m trying to wrap my head around everything that just happened. And I know a lot of people aren’t liking this season so far because it seems to be slow, but I am loving every second of it! Fake Locke! The cave! The numbers! Alternate timelines!

Anyway, so since my brain isn’t working too well, I thought I would fill you in on Noah the Bear’s travels.

You guys are so awesome! So many of you have offered to help and I’m just AMAZED. My SIL is so impressed with the fact that strangers are helping him out. And I tell her it is the power of the internet. And it doesn’t hurt that Noah the Boy is so ADORABLE!

I’ve gotten some photos to pass on to my nephew. I know this project probably doesn’t get a grade, but I’m at least hoping he will have bragging rights for the rest of the year because his bear went EVERYWHERE! Because of all of you!

Like he has been to the Olympics!

(Side note: Someone at the 80s party that I don’t know asked me if I was playing a part when she overheard me telling a story and I said “like” so many times and she was SURE it was on purpose and that no one would actually talk that way NOT as a joke. And well, that was LIKE the first time in my life I was ever speechless.)

On with the tour!

Noah has been to the White House!

And to the new bridge over the Hudson in Upstate New York!

And he did touristy things in New York City!

And even got to meet some of New York’s finest!

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It’s not too late to take Noah the Bear around your fair city! This project isn’t due until April 16, so if you thought you missed the deadline, fear not! If you want to participate, leave a comment or drop me a note at fullofsnark (at) gmail (dot)  com and I can send you the PDF of Noah the Bear to print out.

Honestly, I can’t tell you all how much it means to me that you’ve helped out my nephew like this. It warms the cockles of my cold, black heart. I know so many of you have plans for him, so I can’t wait to see where Noah will travel to next!

So on Friday night I went to an 80s party. This was the same party I went to last year at Jen Lancaster’s house. Why yes! I totally did just name drop because I went to a party at Jen Lancaster’s house and that is something I will never tire of saying!

Last year for the party, I wasn’t all that prepared. I went shopping last minute and put together a Flashdance-esque outfit. It worked. It was 80s enough that I passed the test.

This year I wanted to amp it up, so I made sure to be prepared. I bought an 80s sequined dress off eBay for $10 and then decided to pair said dress with every bad 80s trend I could find – side ponytail, big bangs, neon, neon and MORE neon, leg warmers and more neon. Here was the final look, which was hard to photograph because I’m tall and it’s hard to get everything in the one shot. Especially when your stupid cat thinks this is an opportunity for her to get her photo taken.

It’s hard to see in that photo, but those are neon green, glittery fishnets. And they were probably one of the most uncomfortable things I’ve ever worn. How come no one tells you that fishnets are so annoying?

Here is another photo, which shows my awesome bangs:

How did I used to do this regularly to my hair? I mean, I didn’t follow the trend for a long time (I remember the shock and horror when I stopped “doing” my hair! HOW DARE I?!?) but I did wear my hair like this at one point in time. I think I even wore it like this for school photos. And I’m pretty sure it didn’t take me 30 minutes to do it, like it took me on Friday night. Thank God for strong hold hairspray!

The party was a lot of fun. There were plenty of fellow bloggers there, which is always nice. Especially when some of them only ever see you at and 80s party looking like this. There were some great costumes, the theme this year seemed to be 80s characters - Madonna, Magnum P.I., Robert Palmer and his back-up dancers with the guitar. A good time was had by all!

And, now I’ve found the cab driver repellent – MALL HAIR! Both cab drivers didn’t say a single thing to me.

Speaking of Fat Tuesday, do people in New Orleans get Ash Wednesday off? Because really, that would be the only way I could go out and party. I went out on Fat Tuesday once, probably about four years ago, at a bar that had QUARTER BEERS! Granted they were smaller cups, but still! FOUR BEERS FOR A DOLLAR! And all I can recall from that night is making out with some guy on a pool table. And I think I went to work the next day. I couldn’t hang now. Am old.

Anyway, the reason I’m writing about Fat Tuesday is because that is what today is. Which means tomorrow is Ash Wednesday. Which means the start of Lent for those of us Christian-types. And the tradition is to give up something for Lent. Or do something good. Basically the idea is to make a sacrifice and be like Jesus on the cross or something. Oh, and don’t eat meat. (Who has two thumbs and knows nothing about Christianity? THIS GIRL!)

I don’t do the meat thing. Because it is stupid. And the Bible just says “hoofed” animals, which means turkey and chicken are OK. I mean, if fish are OK then so is poultry, so says the Book of Kristabella. (Clearly I am not much of a practicing Catholic. What with the birth control and the pre-marital sex and all.)

But I do generally participate in the whole Lenten thing. I try to give something up, or aim to be a better person by doing SOMETHING for those 40 days. Last year I attempted to give up the snooze button. It went OK, but didn’t last too long. I hit the snooze button about 4 times each morning still to this day.

This year I’ve decided to do something a little different. I have decided to give up BEING LAZY. See, I’m President of the Lazy Club. I’ve mentioned this before. I prefer sedentary activities to just about anything. But lately, it’s reached a new level. Part of it is winter. I always seem to get this way because my only instinct is to hunker down and hibernate. I AM A CHICAGO BEAR, YOU KNOW! But the level of laziness I have reached recently is off the charts. And it is time to change.

So my Lent resolution (what is it even called? Lent sacrifice?) is to stop being so lazy in many areas of my life, but namely with this here blog. I have gotten into a really bad habit of not posting here. I went from posting five days a week to one, maybe two, days a week. And I don’t like that. But since I’ve gotten out of the habit, it is really easy to talk myself out of writing each night and talk myself into watching yet another episode of Intervention.

My goal isn’t to blog every day. Because that is ridiculous. If I can’t even come up with  topics once a week, there is no need to bore you every single day. So the plan is to blog 5 days a week for the next however many weeks until Easter. That way if I go out on a weeknight and am too drunk to post, I don’t have to feel guilty. Although I will because Catholics are good at that. Drinking and guilt.

There you have it. And now it is off to bed to think of millions of hilarious post ideas. Otherwise we’re going to get a lot of cat posts.

So how about you? Are you giving anything up for Lent? What is your Lent resolution, or Lensolution, if you will?

Firstly, I am overwhelmed by the response I had on my last post. So many people have reached out to offer to help out my nephew with his traveling bear project. I know it isn’t a contest, but if there is some sort of grade or bragging rights attached to this project, Noah is going to be the winner hands down. Noah the Bear is going to travel the whole world. He’s going to see so many things, all thanks to you guys.

In fact, he has already visited USA Gymnastics and Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis with TMC from Return to Rural.

And then my friend Carri took him around the 49ers facility in Santa Clara, CA. There aren’t any players around because it is the offseason, but he got a tour and got to see the locker room.

Honestly, I cannot thank you guys enough. I am so excited to see all the other places Noah will travel.

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This title is fitting because I’m also overwhelmed by life. It’s many things that are making me feel a bit down, a lot has to do with the weather and some of it has to do with work (that I’m not going to get into here, of course.) But I’m just generally feeling blah and like I could just sleep for days. I think I might be coming down with something since I felt really flushed all day and just didn’t feel right.

Or maybe it is because I am STILL wearing my glasses because my contacts still haven’t come in. I talked to the eye place today and they expect them early next week, so she ordered me one trial pair to tide me over until the shipment arrives. I’m pretty sure this is the longest I’ve gone with wearing my glasses since I was in eight grade and not allowed to wear contacts. And since these glasses are about four years old, I’m pretty sure once I actually start wearing contacts again, regularly, I will probably get really dizzy, vomit and then fall down into a pile of my own puke.

That should only last a few days, hopefully.

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I had to wear my glasses out, in public, at a bar, on Saturday night. We went out to celebrate my friend Jessica’s birthday and I wasn’t going to let my glasses keep me from going. (I originally typed that “me glasses” and I was wondering when Popeye took over writing this blog post.) So to compensate, I wore a dress and knee-high boots to make myself feel like a sexy librarian in my glasses.

I also decided to drink many GLASSES (it’s a theme) of wine and not really remember most of the evening. All I know is that I woke up at 5 AM, still in my dress, most of the lights on in the house, my tights strewn about by the front door and my glasses still on. So it must have been a good night.

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And since I haven’t had a cab story in awhile, I figured that I should tell you about Otus, my cab driver that gave me his number. (I don’t know HOW I got out of giving him mine, but apparently I’m learning.) The funny thing is that I took a cab to and from the bar with my friend Melissa. On both cab rides, I was a chatty Cathy. And at one point Melissa says to me “I see now why you get into the situations you do with cab drivers.”

AH HA!

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And now I’m going to end this lame post because I really don’t need to take up any more of your time. Plus I really need to get to bed. But I needed to do something after Lost ended so I didn’t just sit and stare at my TV with my mouth agape wondering what the fuck just happened.

This blog post is so boring it did just the trick to calm me down and bore me out. You’re welcome!

Anyway, Noah has a project at school right now where he has a travelling bear (also named Noah) and he needs to have his bear go all over the world. He’s been in Chicago to a Bulls game, he’s been to Mexico, he’s been to Atlanta, but he has so many more wonderful places that he needs to go visit.

And that is where you all come in.

Would you be willing to print out this adorable bear and take a photo of him in your city or town? Or have him do fun things like attend events? Anything to enlighten his boring, bear life?

You can even write a little story of his adventures while he was visiting with you and then mail them to Noah the person so he can show his classmates how awesome of an Auntie he has, and all the exciting places Noah the Bear got to go!

And, Noah would really like Noah the Bear to go to China, so if anyone knows anyone in China, let me know.

If you would be interested in participating, either leave a comment or send me an email at fullofsnark (at) gmail (dot) com and I can email you a photo of Noah the Bear to print out with the instructions.

The Noahs and I would be super grateful to all of you that are willing to help. All people who participate will be entered into a drawing for a $10 Amazon gift card. And I’d be more than willing to repay the favor if your kids ever have this project. I mean, what kid doesn’t want a photo of his bear with a drunk lady, a cat and an empty bottle of wine?

Thanks for all your help!

According to Wikipedia, it is defined as follows:

The bystander effect is the somewhat controversial name given to a social psychological phenomenon in cases where individuals do not offer help in an emergency situation when other people are present.

Basically it says that the more people who are around to witness a crime, the less likely people will actually help.

This morning on the radio, they played the following clip from NBC News:

If you don’t want to watch the whole thing, the premise is that they set up a fake child abduction to see who would help, all while the child’s mom watched, hidden in a van, to see who would come to the aid of her child.

I always wonder what I would do in a situation like this. Hearing this on the radio, without any accompanying images, I can tell you, when the kid first starts screaming “You’re not my dad!” there would be no way in hell that I would help. I would have assumed it was a bratty kid who was with her stepdad or mom’s new boyfriend and was pitching a fit.

But as the clip goes on, she clearly starts yelling HELP and asks people to help her because “this is not my dad.”

And it got me wondering – would I have stepped in to help?

I wrote before how I would protect kids from harm, whether they were mine or not, especially when they are in my care. But a situation like this? It makes me wonder what I would do.

Part of my hesitation is that I am a woman. And if a large man (albeit I am not petite flower by any means) was doing the attacking, I know my first thought would be “that man will kill me and the kid.”

But the sound of that girl screaming, although staged, is still playing over and over in my head. Could I be selfless enough to step in, even though I might get hurt? Or I might have misjudged the situation? Shouldn’t that be what I do? As an adult and as a human being?

Obviously, there is no question that if I know the kid/person, I’m stepping in. But why should I have the hesitation with someone else, someone I don’t know, someone not related to me? That isn’t fair. And wouldn’t I want someone to step in if the roles were reversed?

I feel lucky that I haven’t been on either side of this issue. But it definitely makes me wonder and makes me want to somehow ensure that I would react and wouldn’t just wait for someone else to help. Like they said in the video, the worst that could happen if you stepped in would be that you could be wrong and the situation wasn’t what you thought. And no one really wants to imagine what the worst that would happen if you didn’t step in.

So what do you all think, what do you think you would do?