I found one, the Merrell Down & Dirty series, and it was this past Sunday. The race was out by my sister’s house and I somehow convinced her and her friend Amy to run with me. (Thank God, because doing that run alone would have made me cry and just fall into a weeping mess on the grassy field.)

It was hot yesterday. Over 90 and super humid. Even early in the morning. I commented at 7 AM that the temp wasn’t too bad, because it was probably in the upper 70s. But our race wasn’t until 9:30.

We got there super early because my sister and her friend needed to pick up their bibs. One very negative thing I will say about this race (and this might be the only negative thing) is that the packet pick-up and race location were nowhere near each other. I drove an hour out of my way to pick up my bib on Saturday, thinking it would save me lots of time on Sunday morning. It did not. The line on Sunday morning was shorter than the one on Saturday.

So basically by about 7:45, we had our packets and had nothing else to do but wait. We sat in the hot, hot sun and just waited until it got closer to 9:30.

I stayed at my sister’s house on Saturday night, which meant I got to spend some time with my niece Maddie, who is starting to realize I’m the funniest person ever. She has the best baby giggle ever!

When I packed my overnight bag, I was super proud of myself for remembering to pack sunblock, knowing this was the first time my winter white skin would be exposed to the sun for any length of time.

Fast forward to Sunday morning, and I realize that I left my sunblock back at my sister’s house. I almost hear my skin sizzling with this realization. Thankfully my sister went into mom mode and decided to find us some. She asked some guy spraying something on himself if we could borrow it, but realized it was athlete’s foot spray and not sunblock. BUT! Athlete’s foot guy told us the Subaru booth had sunblock. And they did! And my skin was saved!

(I totally registered and added my name to every mailing list they had then, because a million emails is worth the fact that I’m not painfully burnt. Thanks Subaru!)

Finally it was close to 9:30. We got in line. We were in the last heat. I didn’t mind since I am a slow runner and I had no clue what to expect. Close to 10 AM, right when it was getting nice and warm and humid and the lovely breeze was dying down, we finally started the race.

Every time I run, I hate the beginning. It makes me hate running and I never understand why I started this stupid hobby in the first place. Add in a trail on not smooth ground, blaring sun, and I was ready, after about 2 minutes, to turn around. I didn’t.

When I told my sister about this race, she was like “OH MY GOD, THE HILLS!!” She knows this farm where the race was held because she used to live right there and go 4-wheeling on it. When she said this my mind thought “it can’t be that bad, I mean we’re in Illinois for Christ’s sake, it isn’t a mountain range.”

We got one mile into the race and there was our first mud puddle and third obstacle. This was a giant fence to climb. I ran most of the first mile. Until my sister pointed out the hills. And then I realized that those were not hills, they were mountains. With inclines steeper than any street in San Francisco.

Do you see it in the background? THIS WAS NOT THE WORST ONE!

This was the second time I wanted to quit.

I jumped in the giant mud puddle, fell on my ass and then climbed the wall. Mud is heavy. And it was only really on one of my shoes and my hands. But I walked up those hills. I thought I was literally going to die or pass out, but I did it. The worst was getting to the top only to realize there was more to climb.

After the second one, my sister took off. She ran when there wasn’t a hill and I did not. I needed to catch my breath. I figured I’d start running again once the hills ended. But it seemed as if they would never end.

We got to some more obstacles – more climbing – and then I ran into my sister’s friend. I decided to walk with her. From there on out, we walked almost the whole rest of the race in between all the obstacles.

There were 11 obstacles in all. They left like four or five until the very end. And they were like some of the hardest. The ones that required upper body strength were the ones I dreaded most. The climbing wall and the slippery rope wall were right near the finish line. I almost fell off both, but I didn’t. I made it up both.

One of the other final ones was a tarp pit filled with mud. I figured, being tall, that it would come up to my knees and I’d walk through it. Oh, hahahahaha! I couldn’t have been more wrong. I did a combo bellyflop/faceplant into this pool of mud. And then couldn’t figure out how to get back up. It seriously had to be one of the funniest things those people had witnessed all day.

I figured it out, got out of there, ran to the last mud pit and leisurely doggy paddled my way to the finish line. (I kind of forgot it was timed and do you know what is refreshing on a 95 degree day after running 3 miles and doing 10 obstacles? A giant pool of mud. No lie.) (Although, I’ve never been that dirty in my life. There was mud where mud shouldn’t be. It was squishy in my squishy parts.)

It took me one hour and one minute. I’m not proud of my time. I wanted to do better. I want to be able to run in the heat and humidity. My goal is to really train this summer to get myself used to it. I don’t want to be such a wuss again.

But my sister! I’m so proud of my sister, you guys! She had back surgery like a year ago. And she just started running like two months ago when we signed up for this race. And she not only finished, she rocked it and finished ahead of me by like seven minutes. And now she’s hooked and wants to do more races and more mud runs! I’m so proud of her! She did so good!

Overall, it was actually really fun! I’m excited to do another one in July with my SIL and hopefully my sister. And I’m excited to get into training mode and teach my body to deal with this heat and humidity like a normal person.

This race has to be one of the harder mud runs, especially with those hills. The people in charge of the obstacles are all Marines and they don’t let you quit. There is no skipping the obstacles and running around the climbing wall. And they don’t mess around with those obstacles. I didn’t think I could do it. I really didn’t. And I am really glad that I did. And that I have the bruises (and SORENESS, OMG!) to show for it.

I’ve seen Jersey Boys before, but this was a new cast. I didn’t like this cast as much as our first cast, but the show is amazing. If you’ve never seen it, go. The music is awesome, and it is such an interesting story about the Four Seasons.

After the show, we all went to Wildfire for dinner. After dinner we walked down the street to have a drink. I stayed the latest with my SIL, who was waiting for her 8:30 train. After we finished our drinks, we took a cab over to Union Station. We were way early for her train, so I suggested we sit in the train station bar and have another drink.

I found a seat at the bar while she went to check to see if Jamba Juice was open. It wasn’t. So I drank by myself and she kept me company until her train was getting ready to leave.

While we were sitting there, an old man with half his teeth missing decided to listen in on all our conversations and then drunkenly give us advice about us and women in general. None of it made sense. I’m pretty sure the dude had been sitting at that bar since it opened. That was a lot of drunkity speak for 8 PM on a Saturday.

Kim left to catch her train and I sat and finished my beer. Cletus the slackjawed yokel had enough of me ignoring him, and he left. And so a dude with camouflage bags took his seat. I asked him where he was coming back from (Afghanistan), how long he had been deployed (three years!) and then thanked him for his service and bought him a beer.

I don’t know what his deal was, but he was also completely shitfaced. And he basically propositioned me to have sex in the train station bathroom. I don’t know if I love America that much, sir.

Thankfully, the bar was closing and I could try and ditch him. But I also had a beer to finish and didn’t want to waste it. So I did what every other SANE person does in a train station at 8:30 on a Saturday night, I chatted up a strange man eating a hamburger to distract the drunk soldier.

I told him the deal with drunk Army man and that if he could pretend like we knew each other until drunk Army guy left, it would be much appreciated it. He was happy to oblige. And we had a very nice conversation while he finished his dinner and waited for his train back to upstate New York. And then before he left for his train, we became friends on Facebook. Because that’s totally what you do in that situation, right?

And then I got in a cab, chatted up my cab driver and went home and passed out on the couch.

My life: The stuff reality television is made of.

So, people inside the computer box, did you all have a nice holiday season? Were Santa and/or the Hanukkah armadillo good to you? Did you have a grand old time ringing in 2012?

I had a very lovely Christmas. This year I went over to my brother’s house and spent Christmas Eve with them. So I got to wake up at the buttcrack of dawn on Christmas morning to see all the presents that Santa done brought! Actually, I was lucky enough to have been woken up twice by Noah, once at midnight and once at 3 AM, with his excitement over ALL! THE! PRESENTS!

Let me tell you, even though it was early, it was really nice to wake up on Christmas morning with people that were not the cats. Not that I ever minded waking up alone and sleeping in, but it kind of took any magicalness out of Christmas. Spending it with family, especially kiddos, was really nice. I think I have a new tradition!

We then celebrated with the rest of the family and I got my Soda Stream that I asked for. And let me tell you, it is AMAZING! I love it so much! The first full day I had it, I drank three liters of water. Which is 1) a lot and 2) a lot for me, especially when that water is not flavored with Kool-Aid, which was the previous way you could get me to drink that much water. Either that or with barley and hops.

(I wasn’t intending to have this be a recap post. But I’ve got nothing else to talk about, apparently.)

I have spent most of my time off around these holidays in pajamas and watching TV. I’m almost done with Six Feet Under (10 more episodes!) and while I wait for those DVDs in the mail, I am usually watching 100s of episodes of Intervention. I’m really excited that new shows are coming back on regular television. I mean, I’m starting to prefer one rehab facility over another, making a note of it in my mind in case I ever go to rehab.

This is where I should talk all about resolutions, but let’s be honest, I never keep them. This year I’m taking the KISS method and keeping it simple. Nothing has to start Jan. 1, especially since we didn’t go back to work until the third. But here are a few things I would like to accomplish this year. Most are really better habits.

• Start washing my face every night
• Don’t hit the snooze button 11 times every morning
• On that note, get up at a consistent time and get back to my old work schedule
• Lose weight
• Eat better
• Start working out
• Run a race (5k, 8k, whatever, something)
• Post more on my blog

And that’s about it. To date, I have accomplished none of these things. But tomorrow is a new day, right?

How about you, friends? Any resolutions?

See, I went to my mom’s for Thanksgiving. And since I started the new tradition of mimosas on Thanksgiving, I brought the champagne and orange juice. And since my mom needed help, I got there before noon and started drinking then. No one else arrived until close to three. So I drank a lot by myself. (We went through four bottles easily, so everyone enjoyed them!)

Then there was dinner and wine with dinner and more wine and then some beer and then I just passed out on the couch at my mom’s, without posting anything. (I actually tried the WordPress app, but it wouldn’t work. And at that point it wouldn’t have been more than jibberish after all that hooch.)

I just gave up then. There wasn’t any reason to post on Friday or Saturday then, since no one reads on the weekends.

I’m disappointed, but I had a lot of fun on Turkey Day, so I am not too sad. I posted every day for 23 days, and that’s nothing to shake a stick at. And I think I’m back in the habit of posting regularly, so mission accomplished.

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday!

Tomorrow I’ll tell you all about how after just posting THIS, my dentist called me a wuss! GAH!

That was my day today. Even though I got little sleep, was up before the sun and had to take two children with me on the bus and train, it ended up being one of the best days ever.

My brother and SIL ran a 5k this morning downtown. And since they had to be there at zero dark thirty, the whole family ended up staying with me at my house on Friday night. On top of that, my mom was taking Skyler to see Pinkalicious this morning, which meant we all had to be downtown early. Much earlier than Auntie is used to getting up on a Saturday.

But it was fantastic! We had a very interesting bus ride, with a very smelly person. It was so smelly, I had to get us off the bus about 14 blocks before I had intended. But it was THAT bad. And we were sitting in the way back of the bus. Skyler and Noah got the public transit experience in the fullest!

After dropping Skyler off with my mom for the play, Noah and I were on our own for an hour. We decided to go to the Hershey store and get some hot chocolate.

We were joined by my brother and SIL and it was time to pick up Sklyer after the play. We walked around the American Girl Place store (holy crowds and overstimulaton, Batman!) and the Lego store and then we went to lunch.

We ended up at Gino’s East for some deep dish pizza and some beers. And it was just an awesome day to spend with family.

So from time to time, I still get mail there. Most of it is not important. It’s usually free address labels from charities or credit card offers. Nothing I need. And since it has been SIX YEARS and I’ve lived in two places since then, he usually just throws it all away.

Usually.

So last night I get this text message with a photo from my brother.

“I tore this up and then saw your name. Thought you could use it.”

It was this credit card offer that had a really nice balance transfer offer he thought I might be interested in, since I’m trying hard to get out of debt. Nice, right?

The picture? Looked like this:

(Clearly I replicated it. And wrote “words, words, words” on a piece of paper and tore it up.)

I replied:

“Oh thanks! Is there some link or code you can email to me for the offer? Or, never mind, just hold on to it and I’ll pick it up this weekend when I’m over! Thanks!”

He wrote back:

“It’s in the trash. Look at the picture. The link and number are clearly legible.”

At first I thought he was kidding. Because really? Hahahahaha! It’s a torn up piece of paper and a photo message on my phone! You’re kidding, right? TINY, TINY PRINT!

But he wasn’t.

I wrote back:

“Wow. OK. Thanks.”

Thanks for thinking of me enough to tell me about a piece of mail you tore up that you were already throwing in the trash! What’s next? Telling me about the dirty Kleenex you just snotted in that you will be throwing in trash can?

I bet there is a Hallmark card just for this. Maybe I’ll get it and take a crap in it before I give it to him.

Brothers.

I just have literally run out of ideas. I am not longer able to come up with ideas for posts.

Next month is November. And it’s that whole NaBloPoMo, which is National Blog Posting Month. I’m going to force myself to do it. Because I miss writing. And I think all the TV I watch and booze I drink INSTEAD of writing is killing off the small number of brain cells I currently have left. I’m one Real Housewives episode away from drooling.

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I’m still writing over at Food Lush and Draft Day Suit. In fact, this week on Food Lush I talked about grilling my cats not once, but twice! I’m sure I’m the only one who found it hilarious. I hope no one reports me to the authorities.

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My niece Skyler turned six on Wednesday. SIX! I cannot believe it! She’s in Kindergarten and loving it and is such a big girl! She asked for a password-protected diary for her birthday (and of course I got it). I mean, what on earth do you have to divulge when you’re six???

All I know is it will drive her brother Noah NUTS knowing he can’t get in it. He will find a way, I’m sure.

Oh, siblings.

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Speaking of siblings, Noah and Skyler now act like normal brothers and sisters, in that they bicker and fight and generally don’t always love the other one. Typical stuff.

It drives my brother CRAZY to see his son pick on his sister. It’s effing hilarious because my brother was the same damn way. He still is! If he can find a way to pick on me, he will! He’s 37 years old!

I just love pointing this out to him as well.

I hope Skyler and Noah will be as close as my brother and I are, though, when they are older.

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Since Skyler is six, it means my blog is about to turn five. Five years old! I’m afraid to go back and read any of the earlier stuff because I’m sure it was just crap. I shouldn’t have wasted all the good material back then.

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Twitter has ruined me. I can’t even write one whole post about one topic. It gets too boring after a few sentences. I have gotten way too used to sharing everything in my life in 140 characters or less. I actually hate it when I go over the limit and have to change an “and” to a “&” or use one less exclamation point.

This is actually very surprising because I’m really a wordy motherfucker. I am unable to stop talking, ever, in person. Even more surprising is I’m a pretty good listener. It’s the remembering part of listening that I have more trouble with. See note above re: reality TV and booze.

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And here is where I write something witty and smart to end this post on a good note.

Whoops. Too late.

Sleeping on the train is weird. Usually I don’t fall asleep, I just doze. Or rest my eyes, as my dad used to say.

Me: Daaaaaad! WAKE UP!

Dad: I’m not sleeping.

Me: Yes you are! Your eyes are closed!

Dad: I’m just resting my eyes.

(Another of his favorites was, when we would ask “Are we there yet?” and he’d say “just a couple more hours.” That could mean anywhere from 30 minutes to six hours.)

Anyway, on the train, it’s hard to sleep. I mean, there are a lot of people and announcements and doors opening and closing. Plus the whole I-don’t-want-my-bag-stolen thing. It doesn’t really lead to restful sleep. But today, I really fell asleep. So much so that when I woke up, I was shocked that the train was packed and the annoying gum chomper was nowhere around.

And of course, then I was even more tired.

It wasn’t as if I did much this weekend. On Friday night, my mom and I went to dinner at Rick Bayless’ restaurant Frontera Grill. And it was AMAZING! The drinks and food were so worth it. After dinner we went to see West Side Story. It is my all-time favorite musical! I know all the words to the songs and I just love everything about it! I was SO EXCITED I finally got to see a live stage performance of it and it did not disappoint!

And then after an insane amount of rain overnight (close to 7 inches!) and convincing myself that I was going to get fired at work (I didn’t. I’m fine. I just overreacted, shocking I know), I drove up for a pool party at my brother’s house. Because it was hot and they have a pool. And I hadn’t seen them in awhile and Skyler was asking when Auntie was coming for a visit.

It was a lovely weekend of lounging around and playing games. And eating and drinking and watching TV. It was just what the doctor ordered. Although, to be honest, it is how I spend most of my weekends, but this time there was wine and people besides my cats to talk to.

At one point, I said to my brother “Pools aren’t any fun without a swim-up bar.” And then my SIL, who I thought was at the grocery store, came outside with a fruity rum drink. Now that is my kind of party!

I even played Life with Skyler, even though I really don’t like that game because it’s so long and SURPRISE! My life is no better as a board game! I think I lived in a mobile home and owed the bank more money than I had! SAME AS REAL LIFE! Well, minus the mobile home.

Yet Skyler was a lawyer, lived in a mansion and won American Idol AND So You Think You Can Dance. To the tune of $200k!

Skyler also has a new kitty (in real life, not on the game of Life). Her name is Princess Mimi and she’s so little! And it made me want another cat. Until I remembered that I’m a man deterrent enough with two cats. One more would definitely make me a crazy cat lady.

And now I’m going to go back to bed. Because I’m still tired and need to rest up so I can read on the train in the morning and not fall asleep.

That and then do an implant. A process that will take 6-18 months and cost me thousands of dollars. So, that’s fun, huh?

My temporary solution is to do nothing and just stare at the oral surgeon referral that is sitting on my desk at work and pretend I don’t see it. Because extra money is something I do not have. Especially thousands of extra monies.

My thinking is I’ll call the oral surgeon next month. We’ll do a consult and then he’ll pull the tooth. And then I’ll fall off the face of the Earth until 2012 when I can put away thousands of monies in my Flexible Spending account to help offset the out-of-pocket costs. And it’s the dentist, if it isn’t a cleaning, there are ALWAYS out-of-pocket costs, even with insurance.

I trust my dentist and she doesn’t recommend things that are cosmetic. And I saw the remnants of my “tooth” and know it’s not much and starting to decay and it’s just better to get the thing pulled.

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I finished Mad Men this weekend. I watched 7 episodes on Sunday. That and laundry was about all I did. Which was fine, seeing as I was a little hungover from the enormous amounts of vodka I sucked down on Saturday. Dear self, just because it seems to have no liquor in it and it is hot out and you’re thirsty doesn’t mean you need to drink it like it is water. You may up puking on the floor in the corner of the bar later in the night. I said MIGHT.

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I ended up buying these Nike flip flops and they are amazeballs. They are so cushy and so comfy and it feels like you’re walking on pillows. They are exactly what I need for commuting in this swamp we call Chicago in July.

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I was on a boat Friday night at the Chicago Yacht Club. It was my first time at a Yacht Club. I got really excited to get my “I’m On A Boat” badge on foursquare, but it turns out, the Chicago Yacht Club isn’t marked as a boating venue. Therefore, no badge for me.

But I did learn a fun game you can play called Yachter or Notta Yachter. It was very entertaining.

I would like to also point out that I had a beer on a yacht on Friday night and that boat ended up winning the 103rd Race to Mackinac Island. Coincidence? I think not.

This will be my pick-up line the next time I end up at a Yacht Club. Something along the lines of “I’m lucky, do you wanna get lucky?”

HEY-OH!

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I think I have finally caught up on my sleep. The weekend before this last one, I was out by my sister’s to help her take care of my niece Maddie since my sister had just had back surgery. And Maddie decided this would be a perfect time to get her one-year molars and NOT SLEEP. And since I’m not really used to any noise while sleeping, besides the fan, the AC or the cats being stupid, hearing a baby fuss (I was sleeping in her room with her), kind of scared the beejeesus out of me. So much so, I leaped out of bed every time she made a peep. And then took me a little longer to fall back asleep. Just in time for her to fuss again.

Needless to say, I didn’t get much rest that weekend. I don’t know how you parental people do it.

Thankfully she’s cute. So I’ll forgive her.

I read somewhere on Twitter that there is a ban on fireworks in some states (Texas, Arizona, maybe others?) because it is so dry. And people are SHOCKED that they are still hearing fireworks. Um, fireworks are ILLEGAL in the state of Illinois. Completely illegal. Nothing besides sparklers and those smoke bomb things. Nothing that sounds like a gun shot. That’s all that you are allowed to have, in Illinois, when it comes to fireworks.

We’ve even had bans on fireworks in our drought years. I remember one such year when my Uncle was shooting off something into an open field of dry grass and we started a small fire and the cops came.

This stops no one, clearly as I sit on my couch wondering if those are firecrackers or gun shots outside. Because fireworks are legal in all the surrounding states, so we have billboards, in Illinois, telling you exactly where you can buy those illegal fireworks.

(I don’t actually hate fireworks. I like the ones that are legal. The ones that are done by cities and towns or baseball teams. Ones that are done legally and pretty in the sky. Trust me, I worked for a minor league baseball team for two summers, we did fireworks every Saturday home game. If I didn’t like fireworks then, I was forced to like them after that job.) (I still hate the smell of stale beer mixed with peanut shells, though. That is one thing I sadly can never forget from that job.)

Anyway, I promised you photos, so here are some photos from a few weeks ago from my niece Madeline’s first birthday party. Can you believe she’s already one? I can’t!

Birthday girl in her birthday dress.

CAKE!

In my family, we have this tradition where, on your first birthday, we set three items out in front of you – a shot glass, a rosary and a dollar bill. Whatever you pick first, that tells you what kind of life you’ll lead. The shot glass, you’ll be a drunk; the rosary, you’ll be holy; and the dollar bill, you’ll be rich.

Our Madeline Jane picked…

The rosary! (Probably because it was easiest to get in her mouth.)

I’ll give you one guess what her Auntie went for on her first birthday. Come on, just guess!