I am insanely busy right now. Most of the reason is because I’m lazy and I put things off until the last minute. The other reason is because I’m leaving tomorrow night for vacation! To Portland! For Rhi’s wedding! And to hang out with her!

(Never fear, robbers, my free-loading sister will be staying at my house while I’m away to protect my things. And the cats. And to probably drink all my booze and eat all my food.) (Oh, I think I forgot to mention that she doesn’t live here anymore. She moved out before I left for BlogHer. So she’s coming back to do me a favor.)

So I’ve left everything until the last minute – laundry, errands, dishes, packing, you name it!

On top of it, I had quite a busy weekend. I babysat Noah and Skyler at my place on Saturday while their mom and dad went to the Cubs game. So in preparation for their visit, I had to clean the house. Which I put off until the very last minute, clearly since they arrived at my house the minute I jumped out of the shower. Whew!

(I actually put off cleaning for months because said free-loading sister said if she lived with me, she would clean and I just kept NOT cleaning in hopes she would GET THE HINT. She did not.)

But I had a great time with Skyler and Noah. We baked cookies, ate donuts, watched a lot of Nickelodeon and we went to the park.

Actually, we went to two parks. We went to the first one, a few blocks from my house, that is part of an elementary school. It is a pretty old park. They were not impressed with it at all. Plus, it was hot, and Auntie didn’t think to bring water or money, so we were parched and decided to walk home, get some water (and Auntie’s purse) and then go to a different, hopefully better, park. And we would drive this time.

So that’s what we did. Armed with three water bottles, we hit up a much newer and nicer park. As they were playing, we noticed there was a carnival going on behind the school. “Let’s go check it out!” I said! (Yes, I had to convince them to go check out a carnival! Imagine that!)

It ended up being a street fest for a local church. One of the many things I love about Chicago, especially in the summer time, is the abundance of street fests. I’m just not usually on the lookout for street fests with carnival rides, I just usually make sure there is a beer tent.

Were you aware carnival rides are more expensive than beer? And that I am a sucker because I think I spent about $50 on those rides?

But it was worth every penny. Noah and Skyler had a BLAST!

Skyler was afraid to go on most of the big rides, but was fine with the kiddie rides. Until Noah went on the big rocking boat and told her how much fun it was.

Then she was hooked!

After that we went home, waited for their mom and dad and then we all went out for pizza for dinner.

It was seriously one of the best days I have had in awhile! I love the heck out of those kids!

And now I really need to go pack. Because it is in the 60s and 70s in Portland. And I have forgotten how to dress for that weather. I think I need to dig out the sweaters.

So my Gram hasn’t been doing well lately. She’s currently in a rehab facility and has been for a few weeks.

I should back up…

Back after Fourth of July my Gram took a turn for the worse. She was having trouble walking, standing, going to the bathroom and just about everything. In a matter of a day, ONE DAY, she went from being my sharp-witted, feisty Gram, to being confused, disoriented and unable to walk on her own.

My mom lives with Gram. So she was there to help. But it wasn’t easy. Gram couldn’t really be left alone on her own because she was having trouble with most everything, including making it to the bathroom. It was taking a toll on my mom something fierce because she’d be up all night with Gram and then wouldn’t get a wink of sleep and was missing work.

My mom finally realized that things weren’t getting better and she needed to involve my aunt. My aunt is a nurse. After a few days of trying to get her back to normal, my aunt decided that Gram wasn’t getting better and we needed to take her to the hospital. My mom and aunt decided to take her to the hospital my aunt works at because she knows all the doctors, etc.

Long story long, turns out Gram had some sort of interaction with her meds. It caused water intoxication-like symptoms. Those symptoms are like symptoms of a stroke – disorientation, loss of balance, forgetfulness. Thankfully it wasn’t anything worse. But the sad part is that when you’re an 87 year old woman, a week in the hospital can set you back weeks.

I visited her after she got out of the hospital. She wasn’t my Gram. She was like a shell of herself. It was so sad to see. Even after she was out of the hospital, she was still disoriented and confused. It broke my heart. And none of us could understand why this happened so out of the blue.

We arranged to have family members come over during the day so my mom could go to work. And then my mom would handle Gram duties at night. But like before the hospital visit, Gram needed a lot of help in the middle of the night and my mom wasn’t getting any sleep. My aunt would come over and spend the night when she could, but it was taking its toll on everyone.

Since Gram was having a hard time standing and walking (something she was doing just fine up until right before July 4), my aunt thought maybe a rehab center was the place to go. And it was covered under insurance since she was just in the hospital. So my mom and aunt went to check out a few places, places where my aunt knew people, and Gram moved into a rehab place.

She’s been there for a few weeks. I went to visit her before BlogHer and it made me sad. She hadn’t gotten any better. She still couldn’t walk and she couldn’t remember anything. (Now, I know she’s 87 so her memory isn’t the greatest, but she was remembering things before all this happened. And this happened literally overnight. And they did all the tests and brain scans for dementia and nothing.)

After my first visit, I told my mom I wanted to be like Clint Eastwood in Million Dollar Baby and help ease her pain. My Gram NEVER wanted this. She has told us for YEARS to never put her in any kind of home or assisted living place. And to see her, a shell of herself, made me so sad.

I told my mom my thoughts about this, and how she wasn’t getting better and it seemed odd. That therapy should be showing some improvement. So my aunt and mom went in to talk to the therapists and got Gram on a tougher training schedule.

And it’s working! I went on Saturday to visit and she was so much better. So much more alert and walking on her own just fine! She still needed the aid of a walker or someone there to hold her just in case, but it was like a WORLD of difference from the last time I saw her.

And while she’s still sad and depressed (she’s 87, she just wants to go to her own home), she’s more herself and feisty and mad and so much more my Gram!

My mom and aunt are supposed to talk with the social worker tomorrow to see what her status is. We’ve all seen the improvements and we know it is time for her to come home and to come home SOON.

This has been really hard for me to deal with. I lived away from home for 10 years and wasn’t around for these kind of things. On one hand, that is nice because you can distance yourself physically and emotionally. But on the other hand, you’re not there for support and to help in a time of need. I’m glad I’m living in Chicago now and I can help.

Near or far, watching your loved ones get old is never an easy thing. I am so glad my Gram is doing better because I’m not ready for her to not be around. (I swear she’s holding on until she sees her spinster granddaughter get married or at least have a boyfriend!) We are all ready for her to be back at home, in her own house, where the only annoying roommate is her daughter. (Hi mom!)

I know one day I’m going to go through the same thing with my own mother. But this is why I’ve already prepared her by telling her for the last couple years that I won’t be able to deal with this, so she’s just going straight to a home. I’m nothing if not the perfect daughter!

I figured I needed to post something new, since I noticed quite a bit of traffic from the announcement. And then people came here and if they read past the header, they got to read about poop in my fridge.

Kristabella: Keeping It Klassy Since 1977.

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Speaking of poop (I swear, soon I will stop talking about this!), my doctor called and apparently my samples tested positive for this. It’s basically a bacteria you get from taking antibiotics. Which I recently took when the damn cat bit me. It all comes back to that dog.

This medication is supposed to take care of the problem. I have to take it for 14 days, three pills a day. And you can’t drink alcohol. Oh, I know you’re not supposed to with regular antibiotics, but it isn’t really a huge deal with regular antibiotics. They just suggest you try not to.

With this medicine? YOU CANNOT DRINK ALCOHOL. Like NONE. AT ALL. Like my doctor was sure to mention this to me yesterday before she called in the prescription. That’s 14 days with no booze. I’m actually OK with this, I think. Seeing as the first bit of alcohol I had last week, the first beers in almost two weeks, had me on the shitter for hours. So maybe this is for the best.

And hey, think of all the calories I’ll be saving!

I finish the last pill the morning I leave for NYC for BlogHer. Yes, I calculated this out to make sure I could use all my drink tickets.

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It’s hot here. I mean, it is summer so I can’t be too shocked. But last summer was so mild that I was kind of hoping we’d have something similar this year. No such luck.

I think I’ve mentioned before that I don’t have A/C in my car. There is a leak somewhere and not worth it to get fixed on an 11 year old car. So I just fill it up with coolant a few times a summer to recharge it.

I’ve put it off forever this summer and have suffered for my laziness. And by suffered, I mean loads and loads of boob sweat. This past weekend I thought it was about time to stop complaining about it and buy the damn coolant and put it in.

I made THREE trips to AutoZone. Because the first two cans, they busted. The hose broke off in my hand, twice, attached to a full can of coolant. The highly-pressurized, frostbite-causing coolant. So that was fun. Especially at $20 a can.

I finally got some put in on Saturday and then realized it wasn’t working too well and I should have bought two cans. So it is coolish when I have the A/C on, but does nothing when it is in the 90s, sunny and humid.

New for this year is that my car also tends to overheat when I have the A/C on and I’m in stop and go traffic. And if I’m not paying attention, I’ll be sitting on the on ramp to Lake Shore Drive on a Sunday, in stopped traffic, with my A/C blasting and notice that the temperature gauge on the car is reaching boiling levels.

And then, in this situation, as to make it home and not end up stranded on the side of the road, you turn the heat on, like you always should do when the car is overheating. (Kristabella’s Car Lesson of the Day!) So you’re sitting in a dead stop in 90 degree weather in your car with the heat blasting. And you will continue to sit in traffic, not moving, because you decided to take Lake Shore Drive home during the craptastic traffic trifecta of a REO Speedwagon concert, Transformers filming that shut down Michigan Avenue and a Sunday night Cubs game.

Then your brother will try out some video calling app with you and take a screenshot of your face and show you exactly what you look like after that experience.

I kind of miss my old iPhone that didn’t have video capability. I don’t need to know how big of a hot mess I am. It’s why I avoid mirrors.

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Proctor & Gamble apparently reads my blog. Look what I got in the mail yesterday:

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I think I mentioned I saw my niece Maddie on Sunday. I hadn’t seen her in a few weeks and she’s gotten so big and alert. I ended up holding her most of the day, one, because BABIES! SQUEEE! and two, because she was kind of fussy. My arm was so sore when I left. I was actually up most of the night because of the arm pain, mostly because I’m forgetful and the pain was in my left arm and I might have kept thinking I was having a heart attack.

I only ended up getting one picture of my Goopy (my nickname for her). I tried out the new front facing camera on my phone. It’s not good at all, but at least you can see how adorable she is and how she has the chubbiest, most nom-worthy cheeks in the history of all babies!

And at six weeks, she already has a better tan than I ever will.

But this is a different kind of tired. Because I went to my sister’s house this weekend to hang out with my new baby girl, Maddie!

She will be two weeks old on Tuesday, so she’s pretty much the same baby that I met the day she was born. She eats, sleeps, cries bloody murder when she has to have her diaper changed, and poops. Pretty typical for a newborn.

She is a little spoiled. She only likes to sleep while being held. I’m sure she misses the womb she was ripped out of. My sister will probably be a little irritated with this sleeping habit, but as the favorite Auntie, I LOVE EVERY MINUTE OF IT!

One little squeak out of her, and I was right there to pick her up!

My sister needed to run to the mall to get Father’s Day gifts, so I happily offered to watch her while my sister went out by herself. We ended up both napping on the couch while watching TV and it was the greatest way I can think of to spend a Saturday afternoon.

She is a lot more alert than she was the day she was born. She opens her eyes more. So now I have photos of her with her eyes open. All dressed up for Father’s Day!

She had a bit of a goopy eye. Probably just a blocked tear duct, which is common with new babies. My sister was worried and said “I think that is doctor, goopy.” And I have been calling her Dr. Goopy all weekend. She’s my little goopy goober. Goopy gumdrop! The Goop!

And Goopy even got me a present!

It has been so long since we’ve had a baby in the family. I’m so excited to spoil another little niece. I can’t wait to watch her grow up and see what an amazing little person she becomes.

And after spending this weekend with her, I really can’t wait to have one of my own someday. Someday soon.

:::

So how was your weekend? What? I can’t hear you over that CLOCK TICKING SOUND!

ANYWAY, if you saw it and wondered where it went, that’s where it went. No more blogging hopped up on Benedryl after a loooong weekend.

BUT! I went to my brother’s this weekend to see my niece Skyler in her dance recital. Last year she did ballet, this year it was tap. And she was awesome!

She was a bit of a snot most of the day. Because she knew it was her day and the whole world had to pay attention to her no matter what. She’s totally smart, that one. So we started with a lot of photos like this:

(HOW OLD DOES SHE LOOK??)

And then we tried (successfully) to make her laugh.

But she did SUCH a good job on stage! She was so much better than last year. She’s grown so much. They danced to “Do You Love Me?” and it was adorable to see them do the Mashed Potato and do The Twist.

I can’t believe how old my little girl is! And how she’s getting to that age where her Auntie isn’t the be all and end all of her life. She has friends! And things to do! And stuff to play with! She has no time for her crazy Auntie. I knew this day would come. I think I’m still going to eek out a few more years of her thinking I’m the bees knees. Whether she likes it or not.

She came into the world this morning, weighing in at 7 pounds, 4 ounces.

I went to the hospital after work today to meet her.

I think she already likes me best.

I bought this for her to wear.

She is just perfect.

Her big brother Tommy thinks so too.

I am the world’s proudest Auntie. Welcome to the world baby girl! I’m so glad we finally got to meet you!

So I’m like 11 years older than her. I babysat her when she was a newborn. I still think of her (and her sisters) as those little girls. But now they are adults and driving and of legal drinking age and MAN, I am OLD!

She was living in an apartment in the city with a few roommates. One of them happened to be her ex-boyfriend. He liked to sometimes hit her. So I stepped in and told her she wasn’t allowed to live there anymore. As much as I love living by myself and being able to sit on my couch with no pants on and spend hours and hours of my days watching crap reality television and picking my asshole, my comfort and lazy lifestyle was not a priority when it came to her safety.

So last Thursday, I had a roommate for the first time in six years. Although, it isn’t really like a roommate since she’s not paying rent. But I am going to make her clean for her shelter. Mostly because she likes to clean and I do not.

It is going well. I’m as shocked to admit that as you all are to read it. I actually had a very busy weekend so I wasn’t home a lot. And she was working so she wasn’t either. So she didn’t get a real gauge on the amount of TV I watch.

Thursday night we moved her in, got some dinner and I introduced her to the magic that is The OCD Project on VH1. You know she’s only my half-sister because she doesn’t watch ANY reality television. WHO ARE YOU?

She ended up passing out on my couch before 9. So we didn’t get to have the “no boys/no sex/no parties” chat. If I’m not having sex in my house while she is here, neither is she! Also, I couldn’t really allow others to sleep on the futon in my second bedroom in the future knowing she did the nasty with some dude she met at a bar on it.

Anyway, Friday night we both went our respective ways to watch the Hawks game. I was on the South side and debated about just staying over at a friend’s house so I didn’t have to drive. But then the game was HORRIBLE, I was sober and I ended up going home. It was really hot, humid and rainy, so the air conditioning was on. And since I keep my A/C at like 71 during the night, I figured I needed to let Alix know where the extra blankets were, in case she got cold. Because I knew she wasn’t going to be coming home sober.

So I sent her a text. I was such an old lady. But it gets cold in here! I am a good hostess! She finally rolled in around 2 AM, I think. I only know this because I heard her trying to get in the front door. She couldn’t figure out which was the right key. I knew the nice thing would have been to help her, but then it isn’t as funny.

On Saturday I headed out to a street fest to stand around and drink steins of beer and wish my friend Sarah good luck on her move to Ohio. Alix actually called when she got off work and wanted to meet us out. Us 30 somethings! I was shocked. I figured she wanted free beer. I think I had enough tickets for a brat.

I was at this street fest all day. I walked the trek back and forth from the ticket booth/port-a-pottys/beer line multiple times that day. And then I walked through it with a hot, young blonde and all of a sudden there were A LOT of guys talking to her and coming up to her.

Story of my life.

And to make it worse, the cats already like her better than me.I think Simba is plotting a way to get her to take him home with her.

Whenever that is. And it better be soon, right Alix? RIGHT?!?!?

We ate them a lot growing up. The only thing I really remembered is that they burnt my mom’s hands with the splattering grease and that they made the house smell Steak-ummly delicious! But it has been about 20 years since I’ve had them. And they are still as good as I remember! And look, there is only one ingredient – BEEF! Who cares what part of the cow it is from! Steak-YUMMY!

In other news, I only posted one time last week because Ali and her family gave me an ear infection. She’ll try to tell you that she didn’t since no one else had an ear infection, but where the hell else would I have picked it up? I haven’t had an ear infection since I was like 2. They are no walk in the park, let me tell you. They are kind of a pain, like REALLY a pain. OUCH! At least it explained why I was feeling so run down. I must have been fighting something.

Now I either have allergies or a cold. But since they are pretty similar symptoms, I just don’t know. I’ve never had allergies before, so I’m not sure what they feel like. But I know you don’t feel as tired and run down. So since I slept for 14 hours Sunday night, I’m thinking it is probably a virus.

WHAT?!? 14 hours you ask? Why yes! I spent most of the day sleeping on Sunday. And then I took a four-hour nap at 5 PM, which was not the smartest move. And I could have slept straight through until morning, but I needed to take my antibiotics. So I got up and did some things around the house and then went to bed at 10:30. And I was CONVINCED I would be up in the middle of the night, and was prepared to regale all of you with my middle-of-the-night blogging tales. But I needed the rest because I slept until the alarm woke me up at 7:30 AM. Not knowing what day it was.

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So Saturday was my nephew’s First Communion. And Noah is also my Godson, so it was a big day for Auntie/Godmother. (I know! Someone made me a Godmother! The girl who mocks people in church!)

Anyway, it was pretty neat to see. I don’t actually remember my Communion, which was the last one I went to, so it was kind of cool to watch all these kids experience it.

On the way over to the church, Noah exclaimed “I can’t wait to eat the Eucharist!” And I was all “don’t get your hopes up too high, kid.” (See, Godmotherly duties right there.) And then he was all “I’m starving!”

After he received his first communion his response was what I would imagine most kids reactions are: “That bread was kinda stale.”

Skyler was a riot during church. She did not help my lack of attention span. She was giggling and then told us “I’m SLAPHAPPY!” And that she couldn’t “stop laughing!” Which only made my brother and me giggle more. Like I need anymore of a distraction at church besides judging people’s clothing choices.

But at least I got a photo of Noah, Skyler and me where we are all showered and dressed up!

I was definitely the hottest Godmother there!

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And finally, I just remembered this, so I thought I would share.

My friend Melissa and I were talking on Saturday night about transgender people. It came up because there was a chick on the Real World who used to be a man and Chaz Bono was recently in the news after having his/her surgery.

Melissa made some comment about how Chaz didn’t want to talk about the actual surgery. Here is how that conversation went:

Melissa: “you talk about everything else, but then when it comes to the actual details…”

Me: “then you clam up!”

Melissa: “HAHAHAHA! CLAM!”

And then we laughed for like 20 minutes. And then later in the night, someone said clam and we started laughing again! HA!

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And now I’m off to kill my sickness with Nyquil and get lots of rest. Because tomorrow night I get to have dinner and drinks with my friend Kristina, who is in town, and then I get to see Ali, who is in town for work! YAY!

So my Lensolution didn’t go as well as planned. But I did blog more than 20 days. And Lent is like 40 days, so that’s not half bad. I think it was better than what I had been doing before Lent started, so I consider it a big WIN! And had I not gotten the Death Plague, I would have posted even more.

Did everyone have a nice Easter holiday? Or Sunday, for those of the non-Christians out there?

Mine was very nice. I went to church with my mom and Grandma and then we went to my aunt’s house for the day. It was a nice day. I got to hang out with my sister, yelling into her belly to make the baby learn to love me. “HELLO BABY!” I wanted her to move or kick for me because I’ve never felt a baby kick. Baby did not oblige. She may not like me so much now for yelling, but as soon as she makes an appearance, she will be thankful that she has me as an Auntie because I’m going to spoil her rotten!

I went to church. You did read that right up above. I go on Christmas and Easter because it makes my grandma happy. She’s a strict Catholic and goes to church every week. She feels better when I’m there because at least she gets to show me off to her friends and try to find me a husband. (She wanted me to talk to an attractive young man because he was tall. She didn’t really get that he was like maybe 21, so that is almost illegal.)

Church and me, is not really a good mix. I know I should sit there and really listen and feel the power of Jesus sweeping over me or whatever it is that people feel when they are in church. But I’m so cynical. And also a people watcher. So I kind of tune everything out and just watch the people for an hour. For instance today I witnessed:

• A snotty church lady who takes her ushering duties very seriously. She was probably over 70 years old and wearing a short skirt and purple, suede, knee-high boots.
• She asked us to move to the middle of the pews and we just looked at her and didn’t move.
• A pony-tailed man who saw that his pew neighbors were Hispanic so he assumed he needed to speak to them in Spanish.
• A family of three in front of me, a mom, a daughter and a son. The daughter was very unfortunate looking. She was really, really skinny. Like she had to be anorexic. But she had the worst the haircut I’ve ever seen. Like it was really unattractive. So if the goal was to distract people from your skinny body with awful hair, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!
• (I should burn in hell for making fun of people in church but Easter mass is LONG!)
• When the priest was talking about the meaning of Easter, and how Jesus rose from the dead, the power went out for a second in the church. Not ONE person said anything! No one yelled out “HE IS RISEN!” or “HE IS WITH US!” or “PRAISE JESUS!” Not one person!
• Well, I may have whispered it to my mom.
• There was a guy wearing a hat in church. Apparently this is disrespectful. Because when he walked past us to get in line for Communion, both my mom and my grandma snickered and said “He’s wearing a HAT? IN CHURCH?” And then the woman in front of us turned around and looked at my mom and said “he has cancer.”
• So I said “it’s OK mom. You’re already in church. You can get instant forgiveness!”

I might have to start going regularly just for the people watching and blog material. I don’t think Jesus cares, right? Just as long as I go?

Oh, didn’t I tell you? My sister is pregnant! With a little girl! She’s due at the beginning of June! I’m so excited! BABIES! I’m going to be an auntie again!

So I was all set to drive out there on Saturday and go shopping with her and look at all sorts of small, pink, cute, fluffy things! But then she texted me – she fell down the stairs and sprained her ankle. She and Baby Girl are OK, but probably not the best idea to be walking around stores when she was gimpy.

She decided to rest up on Saturday and I went out today and we got all the registering done. She even told me something she wanted that wasn’t at Target that I’m going to get her, so my shopping is done too!

I’m pretty sure it is no secret that I love kids! I WANT to have a child of my own one day. Since this year I’ll be the ripe old age of 33, I have been thinking about it quite a bit. I know that regardless of whether I get married or meet the man of my dreams, I will be a mother. Whether I have to adopt or go to the sperm bank or steal one (KIDDING!), I will have a kid. And if I have to do it on my own, so be it. In fact, I’ve pretty much decided that I’ll probably start going down that road after I turn 35, since hello! CLOCK! TICKING!

Anyway, spending an afternoon in the baby aisles of Target and Walmart will really make your ovaries ache. The stuff! It is so cute! And my sister, who already has a child, is all willy nilly about the registering, figuring she’ll get stuff regardless. Whereas I’m like “YOU NEED TO GIVE PEOPLE SOMETHING TO BUY YOU! ALSO, YOU NEED THIS WHOLE AISLE!”

(Do you see why she took the scanner gun thingy away from me?)

It was a good day. We got to spend some time together, we got to ooh and ahh over cute little pink things and I got to try pizza beer.

Pizza beer, you ask? What on Earth is that? And what does it taste like? Well, I shall tell you. It tastes like you’d imagine. Like someone put a little pizza sauce into your beer. Not the worst thing in the world, but also something I probably never need to drink again.

Apparently it’s “beer so good, it needs its own wine glass.”

I don’t even know what that means. All I know that I’m offended as a wine glass owner and as a wine drinker.

So, how was your weekend? If you’re wondering, I am still fighting the Death Plague. IT IS DAY 12 PEOPLE! TWELVE!