Also, my blog stats are in the tank with my infrequent posting so it doesn’t really matter. And this way my mom will know how my trip went.

Portland, where do I begin?

This was the first vacation I’ve taken in awhile where I went somewhere I’ve never been before. And since I know a few people there who are big fans of the city, I knew I was going to have a good time!

This is just going to be a bulleted list of highlights with some photos interspersed…

• Portland is a drinking person’s city. Wineries, breweries and drinkers, oh my!
• We started my first morning off in Portland with probably one of the best things I’ve ever eaten – a fried egg sandwich with bacon and pimento cheese on a homemade biscuit. (Washed down with a big mimosa in a pint glass, of course.)

• I would now like to put pimento cheese on everything.
• Before I left for the trip, Rhi asked what I wanted to do on Thursday afternoon – a brewery tour or a winery tour. I told her I was under the impression that 2 days before your wedding, you have time for neither. But being from Portland, Rhi makes time for booze, and we headed to the wineries.

• We hit up Sokol Blosser, where Rhi is a preferred guest at. Also the winery doing the wine for her wedding. And the first woman-owned winery in Oregon. We got our tasting for free! And we enjoyed ourselves! After that we headed to Ponzi, not the actual winery, but their shop. We drank wine and snacked on meats and cheeses and I cursed the fact that I couldn’t get any of this wine home with me.

• In between all our fun, we did get some wedding errands done. And I made sure to help whenever and wherever I could, so the bride could enjoy her company with me. I mean, I am awesome, let’s face it.
• Thursday night I went to dinner with the bride and groom and I sampled some local Oregon beers. And I noticed we were on Flanders St. And I was like “ha! I saw a Terwilliger street today too! Like The Simpsons.” And Rhi is all “um, you know the creator is from here?” No. No, clearly I did not.

• So I did what every other drunk person would have done, I sent a photo of it to my brother in the middle of the night because he’s the biggest Simpsons fan ever.

• After dinner and a stop for one more beer, we headed back to the house and opened the wine. Rhi and I decided to don some some lovely hair bows. And then we decided to get nice and drunk and I decided I needed to cut Rhi’s cat’s nails.
• This is Gelsey, who also answers to Goo and Fat Cat. She had really long nails. They would click-clack on the hardwood floors like she was wearing kitty high heels. She couldn’t sneak up on anything, poor thing.

• And Rhi was improperly trimming her nails because Rhi is weak and doesn’t like to hear her cat sad or uncomfortable. Whereas my cats are a bunch of whiney bitches so that doesn’t bother me one bit.
• I think Goo was a little traumatized, especially when she later went to use the scratching post and bounced off it because her nails weren’t as long. And then I laughed.
• May I remind you, we were three sheets to the wind when this was all going on. The Goo will thank me some day.
• Or she probably peed in my suitcase.
• Also while the bride-to-be and I were wasted off 100 beers and a lot of wine, we decided to alphabetize the seating cards for the wedding. Which were written in fancy script. And very hard to read when you were seeing double.
• Rhi had to completely re-do them in the morning.
• So much for making less work for the bride.
• Being severely hungover the day before the wedding is not our smartest move. Probably for me more than her, since I seemed to be struggling all day. We did all the last minute things on Friday – picked up the dress, ran to Target, got our nails done, stuffed the wedding confetti into bags and tried to keep Rhi calm. (We succeeded. Mostly. There was a small incident at lunch, but Rhi recovered like a champ and I distracted her with my dancing like a chimp! Or something.)
• And then it was on to the rehearsal! I served as the official photographer for the rehearsal and I think I got some good shots. I tried to capture it all. It was a lovely venue (more on that come wedding day) and it was so nice to meet both Rhi and Bill’s family and friends.

• The dinner was at a lovely Peruvian restaurant and we had a private room and it was a beautiful way to spend the evening, talking to old friends and new, and anticipating the big day for Rhi and Bill on Saturday!

And now I think I’ll leave it at that because this post is long enough! And there is still two whole days left of the trip, including the Wedding of the Century!

I want to tell you all about my trip. Even though no one really cares, because it was my trip and who wants to read about my fun and my awesome times and my days off from work?

But I’m too tired. I went to bed last night at 9 PM, which was actually a smart thing because I didn’t sleep well at all. First I woke up around 11 PM from a dream where Spike from Top Chef was my doctor and diagnosed me with a brain tumor. And I woke up freaked the fuck out and not worried at all about the fact that a chef was my doctor, but convinced that my dreams were telling me I had a brain tumor. You try getting back to sleep after that kind of dream. GOOD LUCK TO YOU.

When I woke up, I realized that my internal clock had made the shift to Pacific time and it felt like it was 5 AM and not 7 AM. That’s no way to start your work week.

I want to tell you all about my awesome visit to Portland. And about the awesome food in Portland, and the awesome wine and beer. I want to tell you all about the fabulous times I spent with Rhi and Kerri (and Kramey and Amanda and others). I want to tell you about Rhi’s wedding and the fun times we had! And I need to tell you about Nick, who is so perplexed by blogging and Twitter that he asked us to write about him.

But it is going to have to wait. Because my brain can’t handle more than keeping my eyes open and my body upright. And now that it is close enough to bed time, it is time for me to go to bed and to read my book and attempt to win as many games of Catan as I can so I can become this:

I’ll also be celebrating the fact that my Gram should be coming home to her house on Saturday! No more rehab! Cross your fingers that all of the Is get dotted and Ts get crossed and it happens as it should!

I am insanely busy right now. Most of the reason is because I’m lazy and I put things off until the last minute. The other reason is because I’m leaving tomorrow night for vacation! To Portland! For Rhi’s wedding! And to hang out with her!

(Never fear, robbers, my free-loading sister will be staying at my house while I’m away to protect my things. And the cats. And to probably drink all my booze and eat all my food.) (Oh, I think I forgot to mention that she doesn’t live here anymore. She moved out before I left for BlogHer. So she’s coming back to do me a favor.)

So I’ve left everything until the last minute – laundry, errands, dishes, packing, you name it!

On top of it, I had quite a busy weekend. I babysat Noah and Skyler at my place on Saturday while their mom and dad went to the Cubs game. So in preparation for their visit, I had to clean the house. Which I put off until the very last minute, clearly since they arrived at my house the minute I jumped out of the shower. Whew!

(I actually put off cleaning for months because said free-loading sister said if she lived with me, she would clean and I just kept NOT cleaning in hopes she would GET THE HINT. She did not.)

But I had a great time with Skyler and Noah. We baked cookies, ate donuts, watched a lot of Nickelodeon and we went to the park.

Actually, we went to two parks. We went to the first one, a few blocks from my house, that is part of an elementary school. It is a pretty old park. They were not impressed with it at all. Plus, it was hot, and Auntie didn’t think to bring water or money, so we were parched and decided to walk home, get some water (and Auntie’s purse) and then go to a different, hopefully better, park. And we would drive this time.

So that’s what we did. Armed with three water bottles, we hit up a much newer and nicer park. As they were playing, we noticed there was a carnival going on behind the school. “Let’s go check it out!” I said! (Yes, I had to convince them to go check out a carnival! Imagine that!)

It ended up being a street fest for a local church. One of the many things I love about Chicago, especially in the summer time, is the abundance of street fests. I’m just not usually on the lookout for street fests with carnival rides, I just usually make sure there is a beer tent.

Were you aware carnival rides are more expensive than beer? And that I am a sucker because I think I spent about $50 on those rides?

But it was worth every penny. Noah and Skyler had a BLAST!

Skyler was afraid to go on most of the big rides, but was fine with the kiddie rides. Until Noah went on the big rocking boat and told her how much fun it was.

Then she was hooked!

After that we went home, waited for their mom and dad and then we all went out for pizza for dinner.

It was seriously one of the best days I have had in awhile! I love the heck out of those kids!

And now I really need to go pack. Because it is in the 60s and 70s in Portland. And I have forgotten how to dress for that weather. I think I need to dig out the sweaters.

Right up until I left for BlogHer, I was doing pretty good. But with the poop issues and stress from packing and traveling and trying to get a lot done in a few short days, my diet and exercise suffered. And then when I was in NYC, all bets were off because I was in NYC. And I could drink again! Food and booze! A glutton’s dream!

I figured I could get back on the bandwagon once I got back. But that didn’t really happen. Mostly because I was so tired and still recovering from the trip, so I couldn’t be bothered to even make my own lunch, let alone work out every day. I did make homemade spinach & cheese enchiladas, which were FANTASTIC. But they were so good, instead of eating one or two at dinner, I would eat three or four. So while they were lower in calories, that’s all negated when you eat half a pan a night!

I told myself that I would try to get back into good habits this weekend. But then I drank very strong champagne drinks on Friday night and had to get up early Saturday morning, so I ate Arby’s, Taco Bell and a milkshake throughout the day.

But then Sunday, oh Sunday was going to be different! And it started out that way! I had a light breakfast and then a sandwich for lunch. But then I sat on the couch all day, being sucked into episodes of Flipping Out and the Rachel Zoe project, so come dinner time, I didn’t want to cook, let alone go shopping. So I went to Burger King. Because that is reasonable. And now instead of making my lunch for tomorrow, I’m watching three episodes of the Duggars.

This week will be different! It’s going to be cooler so I won’t be a cranky mess in the evenings from driving home in 100 degree weather with no air conditioning. (My car’s AC has officially shit the bed. I will be new car shopping next spring.) Cooler temperatures means I’m more likely to stop to work out after work. I can’t find any energy to go to the gym to sweat when I show up at the gym pre-workout like I’ve already ran three miles.

And I’m going to cook dinner this week! And make my lunch every day! One, because I am not made of money! And two, because IT IS NOT THAT HARD TO MAKE YOUR LUNCH! (My brain seems to think otherwise.)

Here’s to hoping I can get back on the horse or bandwagon or whatever other euphemism they use. Basically I’m going to attempt to stop being such a lazy arsehole! I have to look good for Rhi’s wedding in two weeks!

In fact, I was pretty close to buying a set of these:

Or these from Etsy:

But thankfully I have delayed these purchases and these confrontations. Because apparently someone doesn’t like my method of punishing you in the parking garage by parking so close you can’t get in.

I’m not 100 percent sure it was in the parking garage, but the lack of paint and the fact I really jammed in this douche in a white Range Rover last week has me thinking he’s the culprit.

So I’m on the hunt for him in our parking garage. OH IT IS ON!!!

This past weekend I went up to visit the Martell clan in Milwaukee. Ali has been up there the whole month of July, but because of the Kristin Johnsons and some other issues, we haven’t been able to meet up. I was super bummed because I know that weekends at her mom’s are rough with Shabbat and the kids not being able to watch TV, leave the house or play video games.

So we decided that this past weekend, poop or not, I was going up there. Thankfully the poop issue seems to be almost gone (I say seems and almost because I don’t want the cruel hand of bowel movement fate to slap me in the face) so I didn’t have to worry about that.

It was a great weekend. It was just what I needed. I needed to get away and be around my peeps and laugh and stuff my face with good food, including this cake, which you all need to make right now. My diet went out the window with my first taste of this cake on Friday night, and I was dreaming about it for hours after my third piece Saturday night. (It was my dinner. And I have no regrets about that whatsoever.)

Meeting blog friends in real life is always so much fun. It’s even better when you get to meet their families and see their blogs come to life. When I go to visit the Martells, I’m as excited to see Ali as I am to see all of them. In fact, I’m pretty sure Emily thought I was coming to visit just her. Which, maybe I was, since she thinks I’m famous!

And she’s not the only one. It’s nice to know everyone looks forward to seeing me too!

I mean, it would be kind of awkward if I kept inviting myself over to see them and they didn’t enjoy seeing me as much as I enjoy seeing them. I’d be like Urkel. Or Kristabella the Menace.

We did what I do every time I see them, we spent the day in our pajamas. (On Shabbat! I was shocked!) Emily and I played spit (I beat her YET AGAIN!) (Yes I just got cocky about beating a nine year old at a card game.) We laughed, ate donuts and cake for dinner and they got me hooked on the Settlers of Catan game. (I’ve already downloaded the app so I can get better and maybe win once.)

It was a perfect weekend, hanging with friends who feel just like family. Just what the doctor ordered (in addition to antibiotics that still make my mouth taste like rancid food). And thankfully I won’t miss Ali too much, since I’ll see her again on Thursday when I get to NYC for BlogHer.

So, internet, what did you do this weekend?

And then I think “well, considering everything I’ve been ingesting the last three weeks has ended up flushing down the toilet, maybe I’m not getting the nutrients I need to be at a normal energy level.” And maybe that + medication is making me a walking zombie. Add that to the fact I haven’t been really drinking coffee because it hasn’t been sitting in my stomach well, and it’s lucky I don’t nap under the desk at work a  la Constanza.

Everyone is going to tell me to keep working out. But see, the problem with this issue of the Kristin Johnsons, is that it’s not as easy as it sounds. Last night I got about halfway through Day 2 of Couch to 5k and had to jump off the treadmill and run to the lockerroom, lest there be a poop-tastrophe on the gym floor. No amount of sanitizing spray could clean that up.

So until I kick this and get done with the antibiotics (SEVEN MORE DAYS!), I’m going to try to take it easy, eat bland things and hope I never have this bacteria ever again in my life.

The one really annoying side effect to this medication is that it leaves a weird taste in my mouth. I had read that in the leaflet and then laughed because really? That’s a real side effect? Suck it up pansies.

And then, as is usually the case with my life, I got this known side effect. And let me tell you, it is nasty. It is kind of a mix of a metallic taste/the taste of your morning breath after going to bed without brushing your teeth the night after a bender. And it doesn’t go away. Drinking plain water tastes like I’m drinking it as it is filtering through a cat’s asshole. I have to add Crystal Light to every bit of water I drink. (Look at that! I touted my review posts twice without planning to! Remember this is the last week to enter the drawing!)

The thing that helps the most with this is eating. Especially things like peanut butter, that stick to your tongue and linger. Peanut butter is a Godsend this week. Except, because this side effect taste is so nasty and never goes away, I’ve pretty much consumed an entire jar of Skippy in three days. So much for the diet and eating right!

I’ve finally found a balance. I use the mix-ins in my water at work and when it is really bad, I go get some iced tea or something acidic from the little store in the office building to wipe the taste out temporarily. And today, I finally bought some gum and that has helped tremendously. The only problem with that is then my fruit punch Crystal Light tastes a little minty. But that? Still better than the nasty taste on my tongue from the medicine.

Has this ever happened to you? Does it go away?

So that didn’t happen. If I recall, the night I planned to go to the gym after work, there was a tornado warning and the sirens were going off and I huddled in the bathroom with my cat. Yes cat. Because Kitty Kitty doesn’t come when you call so Simba and I left her because we weren’t going to go down in the storm. Every man and feline for himself!

Regardless, that was over a month ago. It didn’t help that soon after that I got the Kristin Johnsons and really, driving to the gym and being far from home base (read: MY TOILET) wasn’t the best idea. So I put it off. I didn’t get the honor of being the President of the Lazy Club by doing things and following through.

I have been doing well with my eating, though, and keeping track of my calories. In fact, I’ve lost 5 pounds since I signed up for SparkPeople. I’m sure it is because 90% of my calories ended up in the toilet bowl, but still. I will take any victory I can get.

I know I need to work out to lose weight. I also know that working out is just good all around. It lessens stress, helps with controlling my depression, helps you sleep better. The benefits are endless. This is clearly not enough motivation for me to go and join a gym.

Until last Thursday. On the way home from worl, I went and signed up and then worked out for 50 minutes. ME! President of the Lazy Club! Can you believe it?? And not only did I go Thursday night, I even went after work on Friday. WHO AM I?

Honestly, I have no idea what gave me the final push. It might have been that there is a shoe store by the gym and I was looking for a pair of silver shoes. It may be because BlogHer is in less than two weeks. It may be that I’m just tired of being Chubby McGee. Whatever finally gave me the motivation to join, it was a good thing. Yay!

Now I’m hoping I can keep it up. I didn’t go this weekend. One, because I can NEVER find motivation to work out on the weekends. This has always been this way. And two, I’ve been having some nausea side effects from the crazy NO ALCOHOL antibiotics I’m on. So I’m thinking since I’m not eating much, running on a treadmill isn’t my best idea. Plus, I really need to make sure I take care of myself and get rid of this bacteria so I can go back to normally scheduled bowel movements.

Speaking of living a healthy lifestyle (this is the best segue ever!), hop on over to my review blog to read my latest Crystal Light post. This is the last one of the campaign, so be sure to comment to enter for a chance to win a $100 Visa gift card!

So last we left, I was sidelined with the Kristin Johnsons and buying all the toilet paper Target had on the shelves. Things did get better. After a weekend spent in bed doing nothing and eating very bland things, things seemed to be getting back to normal.

(Side note: My mom doesn’t like to call them the KJs because she was hoping I’d be well known for something more than loose stool in my lifetime.)

And then last Thursday came. I didn’t think too much of it when I pooped two times at work before noon. Nor did I think about the multiple times I had to go in the afternoon. I just figured I overdid it with fiber or something.

Thursday night we went out to a restaurant for book club. I had a good time, was home at a decent time and had chicken, veggies and a few beers for dinner. Then I got home and proceeded to spend hours on the toilet. NOT KIDDING! I think flames were coming out of my ass, since it was so raw it felt like it was on fire.

Clearly there was no chance I was going to make it into work on Friday. I didn’t even think I could make it through a shower, much less a bathroom-less commute and an eight-hour work day.

I decided it was time to head to the doctor. I couldn’t get in with my doctor, but thankfully I’m part of the Northwestern hospital group, so there are offices all over the city. (And fellow Chicagoans? The new office on Halsted in Old Town is super nice!)

I explained my symptoms to the fetus doctor (seriously, she looked like she was 22. I hate getting older and my doctors getting younger). She was very nice and very thorough. She thinks it is some sort of bacteria/infection. So she prescribed me some antibiotics. AGAIN. Because I hadn’t been on antibiotics for YEARS and have now been on them three separate times since May.

Also, on the off chance the antibiotics didn’t help or it wasn’t an infection/bacteria, she asked me to take stool samples.

And then I puked on her and asked for my $20 copay back. Because really, lady doctor? I pay you the big bucks to do gross shit like that (pun intended).

She assured me it was a last resort. And then said it takes five days to get the results, and hopefully the antibiotics will have cleared everything up and then we will never have to speak of this again. EVER.

I had to take samples from 3 separate movements. I figured that would be no problem since I had been MOVING quite a bit during the last 24 hours. Who boy, was I wrong. Want a cure for the Kristin Johnsons? Tell your sphincter that you need to take stool samples. ON A WEEKEND. Will stop you right up. Better than Pepto.

(I even went to get greasy food for dinner to move the poocess, I mean process, along. DID NOT HELP.)

Here’s the thing: I had until 3 PM on Saturday to get these collections knocked out. If that happened, it meant that the vials of poop would spend less time in my house, IN MY FRIDGE. But thanks to the sudden onset of blocked-upness, this did not happen. I finished “collecting” sample number three at 3 PM on Saturday afternoon. After the ONLY doctor’s office who is open on Saturdays was CLOSED. So the poop? Stayed in the fridge until Monday.

POOP. IN. MY. FRIDGE! Next to perishables! Like cheese! And beer!

So that was my weekend. Sitting around waiting for my bowels to move. I stayed at home until things were done. I needed to be on my home turf, clearly. I wasn’t going to be handling that in a dirty toilet at Target. (Although, the Target toilets are probably cleaner than mine.)

And now I would like to just erase this whole thing from my memory banks.

Except now there will be record of it the Library of Congress!

DAMN MY NEED TO OVERSHARE ON TWITTER!

I have literally spent the last way too many days, in bed, eating toast, drinking water and shitting my brains out.

It all started Tuesday night when I got home. I wasn’t hungry and ended up only having a bowl of cereal for dinner. Then as I was sitting on the couch, I was FREEZING! It was about 95 degrees out and super humid and yet, I was freezing in my house with the A/C on. Even though it is set to the same temperature every single day.

I was tired and figured I should go to bed early. I was fine until I woke up about 4:30 AM and then spent the next two hours on the toilet. I decided not to go to work, obviously, since 1) I didn’t know if I could drive in without having to stop and 2) I don’t like spending that much time in the bathroom at work. Or any public bathroom, for that matter.

Regan has dubbed ass-splosions “The Kristin Johnsons”, hence the title of the post. And her poor son has been afflicted with The Kristin Johnsons this past week too. But he’s lucky because he wears a diaper and doesn’t have to worry about pooping in a gas station bathroom in the middle of nowhere because he can’t make it home.

I will spare you more poop talk and just tell you that it still hasn’t gone away. I went to work on Friday and attempted to eat something more than toast for lunch. I had soup and a turkey sandwich. You would have thought the soup was laced with Ex-Lax from the reaction I had. I made it until about 4:30 in the office (after several incidents of The Kristin Johnsons at work) and decided I needed to go home. Let’s just say, I barely made it home. It was ROUGH.

So much for no more poop talk, huh? Like calling it The Kristin Johnsons makes the fact I’m talking about loose stool any less gross.

I’M DONE! I SWEAR!

Anyway, the worst part about it? I was supposed to go up to Milwaukee this past weekend to visit Ali and her family. But it’s almost a two-hour drive up there. And I knew it was a big risk, so I stayed home. I was so sad. But I have vowed to kick The Kristin Johnsons to the curb this week and go up there next weekend. Because it has been awhile since I’ve celebrated the Sabbath and I miss my second family.

So that’s what’s been going on with me. And why I have been MIA. And why everyone on Twitter wishes I would just stop talking about poop.

I still have a sneaky suspicion the cats were behind it somehow…

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