What Ails Me

Posted By on May 25, 2010

Ails. Is that a word? Is that the right use of the derivative of ailment? “A cure for what ails you”?

Anyway, don’t mind me, I’m back to posting on consecutive days and here I will yet again complain about my old body and its failings.

I woke up this morning with a sore back. I didn’t do any heavy lifting yesterday (or within the last 15 years), so I was a tad perplexed. Add that to the fact that the pain was right about where my kidneys are and it felt like someone had sucker punched me right in the pee-making organ overnight. And on top of it, I got up last night to pee a total of four times. Which is super odd as I prefer to never get up during the night because those are precious moments I could be sleeping. But at best, I’ll get up to pee once.

(Also, because I have an irrational fear of falling off the toilet while I’m peeing in the middle of the night because apparently one of the old coaches from the 49ers passed out one time and since he was standing up, bashed his head on the toilet and broke his jaw and was paralyzed or something. Because did you know that your blood pressure drops when you pee? And when you wake up from a sound sleep to pee, your blood pressure is already super low, so you could easily pass out whilst pissing on the pot in the middle of the night? Do you see why I don’t like to get up from a sound sleep to pee?)

Anyway, so I basically convinced myself that I had a kidney infection. I was like “back pain? CHECK. Frequent urination? CHECK. Kidney infection? CLEARLY A BIG CHECK!”

Well, it turns out, I don’t really have any other symptoms. Apparently I tweaked my back and I’m properly hydrated. The end.

But then I’m like “how the hell did I hurt my back?” I do not move much when I sleep, so I doubt it could have been from that. Like I mentioned, I haven’t carried anything heavy.

And just now, as I’m writing this post, from the comfort of my couch, I’ve pretty much figured out what the hell happened.

Remember this photo?

And how I moved the plant to the top of the entertainment center?

Well at 4 AM this morning, I heard a loud bang and shattering of glass. Somehow Simba had gotten on top of the entertainment center to eat that fucking plant and had knocked over all my picture frames. Glass + hardwood floors =

So at 4 AM, I chased Simba, caught him by the tail and then…did nothing because WTF am I going to do to a stupid cat at that hour of the morning? Not much. But at least I could go pee and now worry about low blood pressure.

I moved the plant to the kitchen counter because then at least he could feast on the plant without knocking anything over and I could get a few more hours of sleep. But before I went back to bed, I made sure that he couldn’t get back on the entertainment center. He was jumping from the ottoman there by the window to the top of the entertainment center. So at 4 AM, I picked up that heavy ottoman and moved it clear across the room so as to not cause any more disasters. At 4 AM! I’m pretty sure I didn’t lift with my legs.

So I think I solved the mystery of the phantom kidney infection. That is really a sore back. And I have since moved the plant to the balcony. Where Simba has forgotten all about it. Except for one wistful glance at it this morning as he said his goodbyes. After which I tried to put him in the shower with the water on to make him pay for his naughty behavior. Don’t cross me cat!

About the author

Kristabella, who also answers to “Hey! Drunk Girl!”, is a reformed band geek with an amazing ability to drink most people under the table. You can read her inane ramblings here, where she talks about her exciting life as a spinster with two cats and a fascination for Bacon.


10 Responses to “What Ails Me”

  1. Mahnee says:

    Glad the back issue is resolved to figuring out how you hurt it. Feel better!

  2. Tara says:

    I am the queen of irrational fears. I did this dialog in the dark thing where they simulate what it’s like to be visually impaired, and I was afraid I was going to pass out in the exhibit, and nobody would even realize it until somebody tripped over me. There’s a glass walkway/bridge thing at work, and I think about snipers when I cross it. Because, of course I do. So now I can add passing out while peeing to my list. Thanks for that 🙂

    Also, I can’t have plants or flowers in my house, either, or the cats eat them and then throw up everywhere. Pets. Good times.

  3. slynnro@gmail.com says:


  4. Candy says:

    Man, when I hear breaking glass in my house at 4AM I draw the covers up over my head and breathe very quietly. You’re a wonder woman, going out to investigate!
    .-= Candy´s last blog ..Penis Envy =-.

  5. I actually went to the dr last week CONVINCED I had a kidney infection. I had the exact symptoms you had and nothing else and all I got was bitched at for not drinking enough water. NO kidney infection here. Damn it. I was hoping they would hook me up with some good stuff to take the pain away! 😉
    .-= Michelle @ Mommy Loves Stilettos´s last blog ..?Random Dozen. =-.

  6. Libby says:

    My cat walked along the mantle and knocked off just pictures with me in them. My husband says it was happenstance, but I know better.

    Glad you aren’t feeling crappy any more.

  7. Angella says:

    You MOVED FURNITURE at 4am??? You crazy.

    But good crazy. 🙂
    .-= Angella´s last blog ..Vegas, Baby =-.

  8. Hilary says:

    I so feel your pain. I pulled my back out last week by sneezing. Sneezing? I spent the entire week shuffling around like an 85 year old and sitting with a heating pad at work. Oh, I was such a pretty sight!

    Feel better!
    .-= Hilary´s last blog ..Adventures in the air =-.

  9. gorillabuns says:

    so, since i have high blood pressure normally that when i wake up to pee, i’m at a normal status?

    actually, i have a grand fear of dying of a stroke while crapping on the toilet.

  10. Rhi says:

    Poor Simba, separated from his one true love, the plant.