Bacon Thinks Stupid People Shouldn’t Be Allowed To Google

Posted By on March 24, 2009

Did you know we haven’t heard from Bacon since December? Here it is almost April and we haven’t heard a single thing from him. DO YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH HE HAS TO SAY? So much so that I had to cover him in books and blankets to quiet the yelling and screaming and meat-laced profanities.

I actually took Bacon to Arizona with me. Because he was going to be hanging out with old friends, friends he hung out with in San Francisco last May. (That was probably his favorite trip and also one of my favorite posts. It inspired a t-shirt.) But in Arizona, he didn’t make it out of the bag. Well, he did once. I thought Lola, Lori’s dog, would try to eat it. NOM NOM NOM. And that would be funny. Well, not to Bacon. But Lola is afraid of moving things that aren’t alive. Like suitcases that roll. Or Bacon wheels that spin. And even though Lola was afraid, Bacon still soiled himself out of fear and actually requested to be put back in the bag until we landed safely in Chicago. Next time he complains about the cats, I’m going to remind him he’s one of them because he’s a pussy. I mean, how can you be afraid of her?


So for Bacon’s 2009 debut, he’s going to answer some recent Google searches. Only to show all of you the idiots who use Google and the things they ask. The things they ask a search engine.

Embarrassed about scrapbooking

Well, random Google searcher, Bacon says if you’re embarrassed by it, then STOP DOING IT. YOU SHOULD BE EMBARRASSED. Scrapbooking is for losers! (Except any of you reading this that scrapbook. Then you are not losers. Possibly.) Bacon thinks you should “Hang Out With Hash Browns” because Hash Browns are the total losers in the breakfast food category. They drown their sorrows by scrapbooking about living in a world where people eat nothing but Hash Browns for breakfast and have never heard of eggs, sausage or Bacon. You’d fit right in.

Zantac tastes like what candy

Candy? Bacon doesn’t understand why you would want to take something that tastes like candy. Wouldn’t you rather eat Bacon candy? Or take pills that taste like Bacon? Bacon thinks you would, Zantac taker, because if you’re taking Zantac, you shouldn’t be eating Bacon in the first place, since it will only make the problem worse. Bacon knows this because all Kristabella ever talks about is acid reflux and all the things she can’t eat, WAH. But for you, Google searcher wanting to know what candy Zantac tastes like (ed note: none. Also, you’re not supposed to CHEW it), Bacon says you should “Liven Up A Salad.” And Bacon wants to remind you to use a lot of vinegar-based dressing on that salad so that you can eat as many Zantac as you’d like.

Sometimes I hate

Bacon would like to finish this for you. “Sometimes I hate stupid people. Actually, ALL THE TIMES, I hate stupid people.” But Bacon really wonders about this Google searcher. Was she looking for suggestions on what to hate? Did she get called out for being too even-keeled and not hating things? So she was looking for ideas? How hard is it to find things to hate? Bacon thinks she should hate the computer and never go on it again looking for things to hate. Bacon also thinks she should “Shrivel” into the cushions of her couch and stay there for all of time. Or until someone vacuums up her ashen remains.

Getting home now…what a tired day

These are the types of searches that make Bacon’s meat head explode. It is stupidity like this that reminds Bacon that he’s better off just chilling out on the coffee table and having a three month hiatus from this blog. Because Bacon wants to remind this person that Google is NOT TWITTER. That box on the Google homepage is a SEARCH box. Not a “here’s what I’m doing right now” box. Google does not ask you what you are doing. Google does not care. Google provides answers. And his only answer to this one is the same as Bacon’s – “Put the ‘B’ in BLT” where B stands for BACK AWAY FROM THE GOOGLE HOMEPAGE. And stop typing butt-ass stupid things in the Google search box.

See, aren’t we all glad to have Bacon back in our lives?

About the author

Kristabella, who also answers to “Hey! Drunk Girl!”, is a reformed band geek with an amazing ability to drink most people under the table. You can read her inane ramblings here, where she talks about her exciting life as a spinster with two cats and a fascination for Bacon.


22 Responses to “Bacon Thinks Stupid People Shouldn’t Be Allowed To Google”

  1. Lori says:

    Aww, look at my Lola girl. She misses you. And is still afraid of roller bags, vacuum cleaners and bacon folders!

    Loris last blog post..obama at sun devil stadium

  2. Jules says:

    I heart Bacon! And I hate stupid people.

    Juless last blog post..The F*ck You Face is Back Baby!!

  3. Ah, Bacon. How I’ve missed you.

    nancypearlwannabes last blog post..Testing… Testing…

  4. Mahnee says:

    Welcome back, Bacon. There’s nothing left to say about the asshats on Google. Idiots. I’d like to rip their lips off for being so stupid…oh, wait…it’s kinda early in the morning for being so violent. I’ll go drink my coffee now.

  5. HouseofJules says:

    YAY for Bacon! “Embarrassed About Scrapbooking” is a good name for an indie band.

    HouseofJuless last blog post..Maybe he dropped the phone when he saw her number written on the wall

  6. ali says:

    wow. you are lucky. you wouldn’t believe the kind of “therapy” searches that come over to my site…

    i sit on my child therapy toronto
    i like to lick eyebrows therapy.

    be lucky it’s just stupid searchers coming to your site.
    and we won’t even get into the pokemon porn

    alis last blog own spring awakening…if it was, you know, warmer than -2

  7. ali says:

    wow. you are lucky. you wouldn’t believe the kind of “therapy” searches that come over to my site…

    i sit on my child therapy toronto
    i like to lick eyebrows therapy.

    be lucky it’s just stupid searchers coming to your site.
    and we won’t even get into the pokemon porn

    alis last blog own spring awakening…if it was, you know, warmer than -2
    OH! You’re my new favorite blogger fyi

  8. Welcome back, Bacon! I am hugely pleased to learn we feel the same way about scrapbooking, scrapbookers (scrappersons? scrapples?), and their kind. It is, er, not for me.

    Can we just generally include “breakfast potatoes” in the worthless breakfast accoutrement category? They are the parsley of the 21st century brunch.

    Legallyblondemels last blog post..You Only Do It Once – In Memoriam

  9. Eileen says:

    Speaking for myself- my life has been empty without Bacon

    Eileens last blog post..My dog is smarter than the average toddler

  10. paperdiva says:

    I love the commercial for the new Amy Poehler show, mostly for the line “I hate the public. The public is stupid” It sums up my feelings exactly!

  11. Sara says:

    Yay! Bacon’s back.

    I agree with you though, people are stupid.

    Saras last blog post..Woman uses fake ID to get plastic surgery

  12. Darcey says:

    Bacon, I didn’t know how much I missed you until I saw you today. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Le sigh.

  13. TUWABVB says:

    I love bacon…although he makes me very hungry and craving of a BLT.

    Honestly, I wouldnt’ have had an opinion about hashbrowns until I tried to cook some packaged ones that I bought over the weekend. I ended up throwing the whole thing out – they SUCK. They were burnt on the outside and raw on the inside and soaking in the 90 tablespoons of oil I had to use to keep them from sticking to my non-stick pan! HATE! I will never stray from bacon as my breakfast side-dish again.

    TUWABVBs last blog post..The People Ride in a Hole in the Ground

  14. Sarah says:

    I love Bacon. So glad he’s back.
    My mother was telling me about this blog she came across the other day and did I know about it? The one where the girl has an obsession with bacon? I laughed my ass off. She couldn’t figure it out.

    Sarahs last blog post..Happy Blogiversary!

  15. Chris says:

    You seriously crack my shit up every time.

    Chriss last blog post..Yet Another Thing I Don’t Understand

  16. Ree says:

    I love Bacon. (and bacon, too, but that’s kinda beside the point right now.)

    Rees last blog post..Days of Future Passed

  17. Nicki says:

    Bacon made me ROFL! Give him a belly rub from me! 🙂

    Nickis last blog post..Kid’s Product Review: Wikki Stix!

  18. Angella says:

    Ah, Bacon. How we’ve missed thee!

    Angellas last blog post..1-800-Luv-Beer

  19. Midnight says:

    I love Bacon! And my dog Caramel could be his sister! Hmmm….caramel bacon, wonder how I could make this? Er, excuse me while I get my google on.

  20. Molly says:

    Speaking of things we haven’t heard from in a while – why hasn’t there been a Death is Not an Option since OCTOBER??? What’s up with that?

  21. gillian says:

    Bacon? You cut me, man. Cut me deep.

    I am a scrapbooker.
    I love all things paper.
    I love to tell stories.
    And I love to take pictures.

    I also happen to love potatoes in any form. Breakfast or otherwise.

    None, I repeat NONE of the above make me a loser.

    Plenty of my other personality traits may make me a loser, but none of those particular ones.

    Cut me.


    gillians last blog post..pi day revisited