What’s Next, Bed Sores?

Posted By on March 23, 2009

You know, if I was a reader of my own blog and I saw this title come up in Google Reader, I would probably not keep reading. But I’m bad at titles! So keep reading! Or not.

(I’m sure this will not be a featured post on the BlogHer ad network. Or they’ll change my title for me. They’re nice like that.)

So it is a well-documented fact that I am lazy. I am President of The Club for Lazy. And not only am I the President, but I’m also a client. In fact Kim and I decided we should start a Lazy Club. We exchanged many an email about it. But that’s about as far as we got because we didn’t want to do any work for it. She automatically made me the President because she had to pawn any work off on me. And I immediately forgot all about it because it required effort. We are clearly model members.

Anyway, tonight as I walked up my stairs into my apartment I thought “Hmmm, that’s odd. I seem to have some sort of weird pulling sensation in the back of my legs.”

And then I took a few more steps and thought out loud “Well that’s odd. My legs seem to be sore, as if I have done some sort of physical activity. This is odd.”

As I made my way to the couch, to melt into the cushions and match up perfectly with my permanent ass print, I was very perplexed. How on Earth could my hamstrings be so sore. Was I running in my sleep? Did I sleepwalk and stand against the wall for the majority of the night? Did I become unconscious at work and someone put me in a permanent squat position? Did the cats carry 20 pound weights onto the backs of my thighs while I slept? How can this be explained?

There is no explanation. This is clearly the first documented case of an injury caused by laziness. (See? This is why I’m President of the Lazy Club. Don’t try and run against me. You will lose.)

It can be easily explained. I spent 90 percent of the weekend in bed, napping and watching TV, hoping to kick this damn cold  I’ve had for three weeks to the curb (shh! Don’t tell my friend Julie I’m sick. Or she won’t let me hold the cutest baby ever when I go up to visit them on Friday. Click here so you too can see the cutest baby ever!) (Julie, I’ll totally be fine by Friday. Promise.)

Anyway, I spent a lot of time sleeping. And not moving. And come Sunday, all the things (dishes) I had to do on Saturday (dishes) were piling up (dishes). So I spent my now weekly 25 minutes standing at the sink doing dishes. And I’m telling you, I’m pretty sure the STANDING and washing dishes gave me sore hamstrings. An injury from LAZINESS. Put that down in the Guinness Book of World Records. Mmmmm……..beer.

I have an excuse. I can’t even walk up three flights of stairs without having a coughing fit. This cough has kicked my ass. (Totally will be gone by Friday, Julie!) So for the last week and a half, just the half-block walk to my car has made me cough so hard I almost threw up. Saturday night I walked down to Subway, a block away, and once I got there, proceeded to cough all over the whole store! You’re welcome, patrons, for your mucus that came on your five dollar foot long!

But I am feeling much better. I have to say (and no I’m not being paid for it) Mucinex is a life saver. That shit is worth the price of the world’s grossest commercials. I feel 100 times better after taking it for one day.

So now maybe I can avoid the bed sores that are soon to come from this prolonged stretch of extreme laziness. And maybe now I can get a little more exercise. At least more than walking back and forth from the living room to the kitchen to refill my wine juice glass.

About the author

Kristabella, who also answers to “Hey! Drunk Girl!”, is a reformed band geek with an amazing ability to drink most people under the table. You can read her inane ramblings here, where she talks about her exciting life as a spinster with two cats and a fascination for Bacon.


26 Responses to “What’s Next, Bed Sores?”

  1. Angella says:

    Dude. I will be lazy with you in Chicago in July. I can’t wait.

    Angellas last blog post..Use Your Noggin

  2. slynnro says:

    See, this is just the kind of post that needs Larry Lilly’s input.

    slynnros last blog post..Why You Should Be Watching The Dish with Danielle Fishel.

  3. Julienne says:

    I have totally had the same sickness for the last few weeks. I ended up in the hospital with doctors saying they couldn’t do anything. It got to the point where I hadn’t slept in almost 10 days because every time I laid down I would have a coughing fit and turns out I’m not exactly proficient at sleeping sitting up! Finally a doctor agred to put me on an inhaler to take away my urge to cough – worked like a charm!

    Juliennes last blog post..Hope and happiness with a side of optimism.

  4. -R- says:

    How do you pronounce Noe? Is it like Zoe/Zoey?

    I am very, very jealous of your laziness. I aspire to be that lazy.

    -R-s last blog post..Too Popular For My Own Good

  5. Mahnee says:

    You’re right…mark this one down for the Guinness Book of World Records. NEVER heard anything like this EVER!!!!!

  6. I’m impressed you guys even exchanged emails about the Lazy Club. That seems like something that could get done over Twitter. Anything more than 140 characters is hard work.

    nancypearlwannabes last blog post..Testing… Testing…

  7. No way, the world’s grossest commercials are the ones for foot fungus where the animated fungus picks up the animated toe nail. That makes my stomach lurch.

    But I’m glad to hear you are feeling better.

    Dutchess of Kickballs last blog post..I do not expect to live to 120

  8. I want very much to be a member of your Lazy Club. I come highly qualified.

    ballerinatoess last blog post..Grace in Small Things, Part 23

  9. Mahnee says:

    PS Noe is absolutely gorgeous!!!!!! Give her a big germ free kiss for me when you see her. Hugs to Julie too!

  10. Michelle says:

    Thanks for walking six blocks to meet me on Sunday! I feel special! Maybe that’s why your legs hurt.

  11. Melissa says:

    Feel better soon! Coughing like that is NO fun!

    Melissas last blog post..Would You Rather?

  12. paperdiva says:

    I think I would put up a decent half-hearted challenge to your Presidental status. I dont have a job and invent new ways to be lazy on a daily basis.

  13. ali says:

    if you got bed sores, i’d probably laugh. i’m just saying.

    alis last blog post..I AM red cross certified, you know…

  14. Jen says:

    Have not seen any ads for Mucinex, maybe it is not available in Canada-land? But yes to the earlier commenter – that toe fungus commercial makes me feel ill. I am glad you feel better and hope you get to visit that baby!

  15. Kerri Anne says:

    Bed sores has to be one of the best (and grossest) of all mental images. Like bed bugs, only better.

    (Glad you’re feeling (mostly!) better.)

  16. Cass says:

    Replace leg pain with ass pain and you have me yesterday & today. Well, ok ass pain sounds just plain wrong, bruised tailbone is more like it. I STILL have no clue how this happened. Seems like one of those things you should remember.

    Casss last blog post..I think I’ve found my best friend

  17. Rhi says:

    Dude. I had shortness of breath after climbing the stairs to my SECOND FLOOR OFFICE today. Embarrassing.

    Rhis last blog post..This is an unpopular opinion, I know

  18. Moose says:

    Lazy Club? WHERE DO I SIGN UP?

    The one time I ventured from my bed on Sunday, to get coffee, the walk – and the fresh outdoors – nearly killed me. Better to stay in bed than face untimely death, I say.

    Hope you’re feeling better!

    Mooses last blog post..Last of the Bile, Promise

  19. Darcey says:

    Most of the time, yeah, I would fit proudly into the lazy club. But then there are mornings, like this one, where I dragged my ass out of bed and spent 75 whole minutes at the gym. That’s an hour and 15 minutes. And I didn’t even use the sauna!

    My lazy club membership card should be revoked.

  20. Kimberly says:

    Rah Rah Rah for our Lazy Club!!!!

    Whew, now I’m tired. I need a nap.

    Kimberlys last blog post..Glue Guns & Barbies: Can You Guess The Play?

  21. Ree says:

    Can I join? I’ll be happy to, oh, I don’t know. Do nothing.

    Rees last blog post..However.

  22. Lori says:

    Dangit. I knew I should have given you the gift I bought for Noe. That poor girl is going to be too big for it by the time I ship it to JRC.

    Loris last blog post..obama at sun devil stadium

  23. Lori says:

    Oh, and by the way – I haven’t shipped it yet because I am the Ambassador of Lazy!

    Loris last blog post..obama at sun devil stadium

  24. Amity says:

    After reading your post, I literally got up, changed out of my pajamas, and went to CVS for Mucinex. If it does not cure me of the funk, I will be very sad. 🙁

  25. Kat says:

    I would love to join your lazy club. But, I am just to lazy……………

  26. Erin says:

    I know the cold/cough you are talking about. I used to get bronchitis all the time and even though that cough is annoying and hurts and has the potential to make you throw up, it is also giving your abdominal muscles an incredible workout!

    Six pack abs while lying about and not doing much moving at all? Sounds like your status as President of the Lazy Club is secure!

    Erins last blog post..GIVEAWAY TIME!