One Of These Days It Won’t Be A Cat Toy

Posted By on January 7, 2009

When I left work tonight and was walking to the train, I started to think of an idea for a post. I thought “oh, I think I’ll share some funny things that made me laugh today with my readers!” And then I began brainstorming what exactly made me laugh.

I was walking in the snow that was coming down sideways, right into my face, which was really not pleasant at all. It wasn’t those big, puffy white flakes. No, those always come down straight. It was the partially frozen, little snow BBs that explode into your skin. And I kid you not, EVERY time the snow comes down sideways, the wind is blowing in my face. I’m constantly walking in the same direction, apparently. Or maybe in a circle. Like a hamster in a ball.

Anyway, the reason for telling you all this is because I have very few brain cells, apparently, and cannot remember a damn thing unless I write it down. Because on my walk to the train, I constructed a post in my head that was so hilarious, I actually laughed out loud. To myself. In the dark, in an empty parking, while walking to the blue line. 

And now I don’t remember most of it. But it was funny. Unlike this post.

The one funny thing I did want to share with you is this photo. Just click on it. I promise, you’ll smile. Or you may giggle uncontrollably at your desk like I did. Or on your walk to the train just thinking about it, like I did. I don’t know why it is so funny, but it is. And I’m going to keep this link for the next time I get really mad and want to shout obscenities at someone. (I know. I’m linking to Dooce. But still, just click.)

That was one of the funny things I remember. The other thing I wanted to share with you is a moment in my life, a quick glance of what it is like to live in my world, that of a spinster with cats who drinks too much booze and shouts obscenities far too often.

Yesterday when I came home, after I fed the cats, I went in my room to change into my PJs. I would have done that first, but they start biting my ankles and then it bleeds and it’s just a big mess. It’s just better to feed them first thing. Anyway, I walked into my room and I saw this.


This is my bed. And look! I made it! (Actually, total tangent, I make it every day because about 6 years ago, I read something that said it takes 21 days to make a habit. And I made it my mission to PROVE IT WRONG. So I started making my bed every day. Six years later, I make my bed every day. It works. Try it.)

That little shiny thing on my bed? That’s a cat toy. And no, I did not put it there. This actually happens quite often. When I’m gone during the day, I often come home to this toy on my bed, on my side of the bed no less. It is a present. My cat leaves me presents.

It’s actually pretty normal, I guess, for cats (and probably dogs). It is their way of showing you they love you, or so the “experts” say. Normal outdoor cats, they’ll bring you DEAD things and leave them for you. As a present. And this is why my cats are not allowed outside. (Although, if they are that scared of a dog, I’m pretty sure they would hide from a squirrel.)

Sometimes, Simba leaves these presents for me in the middle of the night. And this toy? It crinkles. It makes a lot of noise. Especially when you roll over in bed at 3 AM and hear that damn crinkling and freak the fuck out because WHO IS IN THE HOUSE? CRINKLING THINGS? WHERE IS MY PHONE? WHAT IF HE’S UNDER MY BED AND IS GOING TO CUT MY ACHILLES? And then I roll over and see the cat staring, nay smirking, at me and remember it is just a fucking toy and fall back asleep.

The other cat, she leaves me presents too. Just not in my bed. If I get any kind of take out (i.e. Chinese food or Taco Bell) and I get any kind of sauce packet with said meal, I will find said sauce packet chewed to shreds in the living room soon thereafter. Which means she jumps up on the kitchen counter in the middle of the night, grabs the sauce packet, chews enough holes in it so it leaks, and then drags it around the house with her. Last Friday morning I woke up to a trail of soy sauce on my living room floor.

I’m not entirely convinced that this isn’t all part of their grand plan. Lull me into a feeling of bliss with their cuteness and their “presents” when all the while they have plans to leave me a present of the pipe bomb that they are currently creating in their secret laboratory when I’m at work. “Oh she thinks we’re cute now,” they’ll say. “But just wait until we give her this present and then KAHBLOOOIE! She’ll be blasted to smithereens! And we’ll be licking her tiny pieces of flesh off the walls for months to come. We need to get her before she starts that diet so there’s more of her to go around! Mwahahahahaha!”

And now you all know and can tell the proper authorities when the time comes. I am counting on you all to avenge my death.

About the author

Kristabella, who also answers to “Hey! Drunk Girl!”, is a reformed band geek with an amazing ability to drink most people under the table. You can read her inane ramblings here, where she talks about her exciting life as a spinster with two cats and a fascination for Bacon.


23 Responses to “One Of These Days It Won’t Be A Cat Toy”

  1. Angella says:

    I know you offered to let me stay at your place, but now I’m afraid of the crinkly toy. Or having soy sauce or taco sauce dripped on my head.

    And possibly, a pipe bomb.

    Angellas last blog post..On Faith

  2. SO that 21-day-a-habit thing actually works???

    Also, I LIVE for the Daily Chuck.

    Camels & Chocolates last blog post..Shameless Wednesday Confession: On Fire

  3. sandy N says:

    2 comments for you:
    I make my bed everyday because what if i were to die during the day; i would hate for someone to come to my house after my death and see an unmade bed? i wonder if that means i have mental problems??
    as for the cat toy in the bed, i come home to that alot too…i always get sort of crabby, thinking i am off working, earning money for THIER keep and they are playing in my bed all day? i never thought they were bringing me things cause they loved me? are you sure??

    thanks for the blog…they make my day.

  4. LOL I’ve been telling the bf for months now that all the pets in the world are planning a coup.

    Dutchess of Kickballs last blog post..You know it is time for the holidays to be over and to get back to the grind when:

  5. ali says:

    shit. why don’t i find that picture funny?

  6. Rhi says:

    My cat never brings me anything. I’m showing her this picture and telling her to get freaking busy.

    Actually, when we lived in a house with two stories, she used to bring a mouse to bed every night, usually in the middle of the night.

    And, she also really LOVES those little gel packet thing that come in new shoes. They’re probably toxic to felines. Who knows.

    Rhis last blog post..An Affair to Remember?

  7. Thing is, you’re really funny even when you think you aren’t. Which is more than the 99% of the rest of us can say. I can, however, relate to thinking of something Epically Funny that I just can’t wait to share, only to have it evaporate from my brain as quickly as Algebra II (although can’t say that I miss the latter).

    Cats are secretly running the planet. You heard it here first.

    Legallyblondemels last blog post... . . In Which I Embrace My Shallow Self and Talk Target

  8. Noelle says:

    That’s sweet. The last present my cat gave me had to be cleaned up with three sheets of paper towels and four squirts of floor cleaner.

    Noelles last blog post..Internet, I need you

  9. Giggle Pixie says:

    I just love cats. I would just love to get inside their little kitty heads and actually hear what goes on in there!!! 🙂

    Giggle Pixies last blog post..Welcome to My Life

  10. Ha ha, this WAS funny 🙂 I wish Lola would leave me presents. All she does is steal my underwear and chew holes in the crotch!

    La Petite Chics last blog post..The Great Debate

  11. Amber says:

    That Chuck picture is a classic 🙂

    We get presents from the dog, too. Only, in our case, because our sheets are patterened, we sometimes don’t notice them. And we go to sleep with the “presents” on top of us. And wake up with them on top of us. I am REALLY glad he doesn’t bring dead things to us…

    Ambers last blog post..That Girl

  12. LarryLilly says:

    Your cats should have their own blog.

    LarryLillys last blog post..Great, now I am being told I am a woman

  13. December says:

    our lives are weirdly similar. Except I have a naughty little dog who leaves toys at the top of the stairs to trip me so I careen to my death. and a stinky husband who may be trying to bump me off for the insurance. (tit for tat on that I say.)
    But other then that, I can’t figure out why the Wind / sleet always hits the exact same side of my face every time too.

    Decembers last blog post..New Years resolution.

  14. Celia says:

    Argh, the crinkly ball toy! I had to throw our out because I was being slowly driven crazy. And in our 5 room house, of course the only place it can be played with is under my bed at 3am. I’d say sleep deprivation is another arm of the grand plan.

    Celias last blog post..New Start, New Year

  15. Melissa says:

    Omg, I think your losing it…to much snow in the face 😉

    Melissas last blog post..52 New….

  16. jen says:

    At least your cats aren’t so retarded that they wait to use the liter box until you come home. You have to feed yours immediately, I have to follow mine to the bathroom so we can both pee simultaneously.

    On another note: (it has a bunch of LAME “tests” once you scroll through, but it made me laugh).

  17. Darcey says:

    My mom tried to get me to start the habit of making my bed in high school because I had a scorpion sting me while I was sleeping in my bed. How did he get up there? He climbed up the sheet that was sitting on the floor from my lazy butt not making my bed.

    Now I just make sure the sheets aren’t touching the floor. Which means huge pile of down comforter and 1000-thread count Egyptian sheets that make for a great substitute for leaf-pile-jumping!

  18. Sarah says:

    Every morning when I wake up there are at least 3 cat toys in/on my bed.
    I appreciate the thought, but it’s annoying.

  19. I know what you mean…I had a whole post worked out in my head about how my bathroom appliances talk smack about me when I am gone.

    thecoconutdiariess last blog post..The Un-Resolutions

  20. slynnro says:

    I had a friend who grew up near a meat processing plant. You should have seen the shit her cats brought as gifts.

  21. I know this isn’t the point of your post… but I love your bedding.

    Laurie | Your Ill-fitting Overcoats last blog post..More Than a Paragraph, Part II

  22. Only one response about this “21-days to make a habit” shenanigans? So you’re saying that if I make my bed, get up at 7 am, or go to the gym EVERY DAY FOR 21 days, I will do it for the rest of my life? Baloney.

    Anonymous New Yorks last blog post..I know, er, HOPE you’re out there!!

  23. Jill says:

    Ok – two things – #1.I totally need this email card – becasue I don’t know when to end an email conversation. And – when it finally does end – I’m sort of miffed because I didn’t get that one comment back from my last email to said person. It’s insane – and I must stop the madness – maybe I’ll try it for those 21 days – to make a habit.

    Ok – #2 – my dog always leaves her toys on my side of the bed and I have to tell you that it has pretty much annoyed me for the past two years -but now, since the “experts” and of course, YOU, say it’s their way of showing me the LOVE – well, now I’m all – AWWWW she likes me – she really really likes me! – but, serioulsy – one toy is enough – when I come home it’s more like 4-5 toys on my side – her side? completely clear so she can sleep without rolling over on a squeaky.
    Thanks for the afternoon giggle!

    Jills last blog post..What if . . . and an update