30 Going on 80

Posted By on January 27, 2008

I always vow that the next sales conference is going to be different. That I’m going to drink less, have some nights where I stay in and go to bed before 10 and have nights that I make sure I actually blog and read my feed reader.

Clearly that didn’t happen last week. In fact, I think I regressed because I only blogged once and didn’t even sign on to Google Reader. The outcome? Irritated people who want to make sure I didn’t get swallowed by a sink hole and/or had less stairs to climb to my third-floor-now-first-floor apartment. And also? Over 600 posts to read on Google Reader. Which I made a feeble attempt to start looking at. But then my 13 hours of reality TV in my DVR were calling my name. And my bed. Because I needed a nap. And keep them coming.

I also realized I might have a slight addiction to blogs. And should maybe get some help. Because after a week without reading blogs, I get all twitchy. And twitchy + hung over = a hot mess.

This past week also turned me into an 80-year old woman. The following are signs that you’ve become an old lady, besides the fist shaking and prune juice, of course:

  • After going dancing on Tuesday and Thursday nights, I realized that at 30, and almost 6-feet tall, I am unable to continue to “get low, get low” on the dance floor. Because once I get down there, I either fall, or I can’t get up.
  • Also, “getting low” leads to waking up the next day with quite a pain in my lower back. I’m about three minutes from getting a walker.
  • In addition to “getting low” and the inherent ass slapping, I blame the shopping cart and paint the curb dance moves for my condition.
  • I said “my condition.”
  • At 30, I’m talking about how I can’t do things like I used to.
  • I actually yelled at some meddling kids to turn down that infernal racket.
  • They were unpacking their groceries.
  • I did the Wii fitness test and it told me I was 56.
  • I got my newest issue of US Weekly talking about the new crop of stars, including Miley Cyrus. And I asked myself out loud when I got old because when did US Weekly start putting babies on the cover?
  • Besides Britney’s babies and their soda-stained teeth.
  • All I can talk about is the pain in my back, the queasiness in my stomach and the stupid bump on my lip that I need to get cut out.
  • I actually debated this afternoon if 5 PM was too early to go to bed.
  • I had the Early Bird Special at the diner down the street.
  • I made sure to get the mushroom barley soup because 80-year olds need plenty of fiber.
  • I seriously can’t stand up straight because of the pain in my back.
  • I’m repeating myself with the same ailments.
  • I can’t remember if I brushed my teeth today.
  • I got hot when I saw Morley Safer on 60 Minutes.
  • I watched 60 minutes.

In other news, my apartment is fine. The cats are fine. The one actually found hidden paper to eat as opposed to the stuff out in the OPEN. And they left their token pile of puke for me to clean up. Just to show me who’s boss.

But no damage, I found parking and I learned a good lesson. Water main breaking = lots of water. And in winter with additional moisture from snow = lots and lots of mud. Like a good three inches outside on the streets and the sidewalks. Thankfully, it looks like they are just about done and they are set to clean the streets on Monday.

So thank you, ALL of you, for your concern and listening to my venting. It warms my bitter soul.

And finally, since I am heading to bed soon because it is well past my bedtime of 5 PM, I want to give a BIG WELCOME to Marianne’sΒ new addition, Nathan Jacob! Congratulations to her and the Targo on their bouncing baby boy! I can’t wait to meet him in person! Since I’ve already offered my babysitting services (because the complete stranger route goes over well every time) (well it worked for Heather B. and Amalah). And I also promise to bring brownies and guacamole.

About the author

Kristabella, who also answers to β€œHey! Drunk Girl!”, is a reformed band geek with an amazing ability to drink most people under the table. You can read her inane ramblings here, where she talks about her exciting life as a spinster with two cats and a fascination for Bacon.


22 Responses to “30 Going on 80”

  1. Jules says:

    Your weekend sounds like mine, if you rearrange and remove some of the words of your 3rd bullet. Here’s my version:

    “I blame ‘getting low and the inherent ass slapping for my condition.”

    … and I wasn’t even at any dance clubs. πŸ˜‰
    House of Jules

  2. Mahnee says:

    Glad you’re back! I miss starting my day with a dose of Kristabella!

  3. Raven says:

    I’m glad your apartment isn’t in a sinkhole.

    Also, stretching is the seekrit to dancing as an old fogey. Being 3 years your senior I can attest to this fact.

  4. nancypearlwannabe says:

    Boo to back pain. Boo, I say!

  5. Melissa says:

    Wow, I didn’t even get to dance and I’ve said a few of the things you wrote this week.

    And I went to bed at 7pm. Sheesh, maybe I’m acting like an 87 year old…;)

    Feel better!!

  6. Katie says:

    Aww, I’m glad you’re back. I missed you and your hilarity πŸ™‚

  7. slynnro says:

    I’m old too because I nodded my head to that entire list.

  8. Julie C says:

    OK- what’s wrong with watching 60 minutes??? You’re giving me a complex. I TiVo it every week, just in case I miss something… Last night’s show was very good (and no, I do NOT watch Andy Rooney). πŸ˜‰

  9. Vanessa says:

    I recommend a hot bath and glass of wine for your back. Oh, maybe lay off the 60 minutes? That can make anyone feel old!

  10. Allison says:

    Yup…old. I’m right there with ya. I went out to dinner with my aunt on Friday night. We had to wait for a table so long that we didn’t end up eating until like 9:30. I complained about what an ungodly hour it was to be eating dinner when I should be home in my jammies, falling asleep with a book open on my chest, my mouth open and a little drool coming out.

  11. Kristie says:

    Dude, welcome to my sad sad pathetic life! Ha!

  12. Laurel says:

    Know what makes you feel really old? When you sign into Facebook and your college-age cousin has posted a “status update” bitching about how his back hurts because he’s “too old to sleep on a futon.”

    And you’re like, “But he’s an itty-bitty baby!”

  13. Seattle Amber says:

    I think the cure for the ailing back is simple; take two bottles of wine and call bacon in the morning.

  14. Sarah says:

    Okay, well then this is bad. Very bad. I’m a few years from 30, yet, very much already feel 80 on many days.

  15. Scarlet says:

    I’ll be 28 in 20 days. My back feels ok…so far.

  16. Scott says:

    You really want to try and beat the crowd at the Early Bird Special. Usually 4:30 or 4:45 at the latest. Plus the other benefit of going then is that meddling kids making infernal racket usually aren’t loitering about like they tend to do in the later hours.

    I’m glad you’re posting. I guess you’ll see this comment tomorrow. πŸ™

  17. hotfessional says:

    She probably won’t let us tag-team the babysitting, eh?

  18. Hey there!

    Keep it down over here!

    Your 30/80 year olds are nothing but a bunch a hooligans, so says this 40/110 year old!

    Glad you’re back. Hope your back feels better soon. No more getting down for three weeks.

  19. Swishy says:

    Can we get bulk discounts on the walkers? All day long, all I can do is complain about my aching back. Just imagine how fun I’ll be in 50 years!

  20. Marianne says:

    Hey KJ! (sorry for the late response…) Thank you for the shout out … and I’m totally hip to you babysitting! But first, I’d love for you to come for a visit. You know, after I dispatch with the (wonderful) narcotics, erm pain killers, and the crazies.

  21. When you said get low, all I can hear in my head is “To the windows………….to the wall……”

  22. I wish I had a baby you could watch because with brownies AND guacamole on the table, I’d hand him/her over in a heartbeat. Probably why I don’t have one yet.